Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I Lost It

For a couple of weeks now I have been trying and trying to come up with some way to explain what’s been going on with me and this now month-long absence from this blog. I just haven’t been able to get it out. But I can’t stand the thought any more of people thinking that I have just abandoned ship.

No, I don’t know what will happen next with this journal of mine – I want to keep it up but it is so low on my priority list right now that I just can’t find the time or the energy to get on here. And, yes, I am struggling. Deeply and with reason. Things are bad and they have affected my eating terribly. I have continued to track everything I eat and it is slowly improving, but it is still quite bad.

I have really battled with myself over whether to post about what has been going on because it is so deeply personal, but I feel some sense of loyalty to many people who read this and can’t shake the feeling that I owe some sort of explanation. I know that’s not the case, but it’s how I feel. And I also suspect – based on some of the comments left on my blog in the past – that I have some followers who are probably thinking I am an awful deserter. Perhaps that’s my own insecurities coming out, but – again – it has played into my decision to briefly explain my hiatus…

I was pregnant.

My husband and I very much wanted the baby – we had been trying and were beyond excited when we found out about the pregnancy. But it turned out that the embryo was in my right fallopian tube and that I had to have surgery to have it removed. I was told the tube would rupture and that I could die if I didn’t. I cried so much that I didn’t even recognize myself in the mirror.

I had been sent to emergency the day after I last posted and I spent the night in the hospital and had the surgery the next day. The doctors have followed my blood work to make sure that everything returns to normal, but it hasn’t. I was told they missed some cells and that I had to have an injection – a drug often used in chemotherapy treatments to stop the development of rapidly growing cells – to stop their growth. Again, the threat was tubal rupture. And now, almost a week after that, my numbers just came back as inconclusive, so I don’t know if the drug worked or not. I am supposed to hear back from one of the doctors tomorrow about where we go from here.

So, I can’t offer anything more than that right now. I am doing the best that I can – as we all do – in every moment. And I will continue to do so regardless of my circumstances or my state of mind. All we can do is try… and trust that everything happens for a reason.