My husband and I made a difficult decision yesterday. We are currently facing the deadline that we had given to ourselves for when we wanted to have the conversation about trying to have children. We both have the normal nerves surrounding the subject, but we also really want to be parents sometime in the near future.
So after my fears about the whole low blood pressure thing flared up my husband gently recommended to me that when I do get pregnant that I should not go anywhere near the internet since my hypochondria will likely be fed to an astronomical degree. As soon as he said it, all of the anxiety that I've been feeling on exactly that topic came rushing to the surface.
He's completely right. As a mother-to-be, in the shape I'm in now, I would be the worst for experiencing paranoia over every hick-up, heartburn, or morning sickness experience. I would automatically assume the worst and probably do more harm through my worrying than anything that could have occurred with all my imagined symptoms combined.
I am ready to have a child - as ready as any person can be, that is - but I am absolutely terrified that my weight and poor fitness level will bring harm to either myself or the baby I would have inside of me. Concern over diabetes, risk of stroke, and birthing complications come into my mind regularly when I think about carrying a child. At the very least, I suspect that the nine months of pregnancy would be a time of fear and anxiety rather than joy and expectation.
So, with tears running down my cheeks, I told my husband all of this. And he kissed me and told me we could wait. I suggested just a couple of months until we talk again... long enough for me to feel like I have put a dent in my weight loss journey and like I am a healthier version of the me that is typing this now.
My current goal is to weigh 150 pounds by the end of next July. If at that time I have a baby growing inside of me, I will happily and with great joy re-adjust my vision. In the meantime, my husband and I have made the very difficult choice to hold off on trying for a little while, and I now have a new reason to work hard at getting in better shape. I'm not only doing this for me, but for the beautiful baby that I want to hold in my arms sooner rather than later.