Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I Lost It

For a couple of weeks now I have been trying and trying to come up with some way to explain what’s been going on with me and this now month-long absence from this blog. I just haven’t been able to get it out. But I can’t stand the thought any more of people thinking that I have just abandoned ship.

No, I don’t know what will happen next with this journal of mine – I want to keep it up but it is so low on my priority list right now that I just can’t find the time or the energy to get on here. And, yes, I am struggling. Deeply and with reason. Things are bad and they have affected my eating terribly. I have continued to track everything I eat and it is slowly improving, but it is still quite bad.

I have really battled with myself over whether to post about what has been going on because it is so deeply personal, but I feel some sense of loyalty to many people who read this and can’t shake the feeling that I owe some sort of explanation. I know that’s not the case, but it’s how I feel. And I also suspect – based on some of the comments left on my blog in the past – that I have some followers who are probably thinking I am an awful deserter. Perhaps that’s my own insecurities coming out, but – again – it has played into my decision to briefly explain my hiatus…

I was pregnant.

My husband and I very much wanted the baby – we had been trying and were beyond excited when we found out about the pregnancy. But it turned out that the embryo was in my right fallopian tube and that I had to have surgery to have it removed. I was told the tube would rupture and that I could die if I didn’t. I cried so much that I didn’t even recognize myself in the mirror.

I had been sent to emergency the day after I last posted and I spent the night in the hospital and had the surgery the next day. The doctors have followed my blood work to make sure that everything returns to normal, but it hasn’t. I was told they missed some cells and that I had to have an injection – a drug often used in chemotherapy treatments to stop the development of rapidly growing cells – to stop their growth. Again, the threat was tubal rupture. And now, almost a week after that, my numbers just came back as inconclusive, so I don’t know if the drug worked or not. I am supposed to hear back from one of the doctors tomorrow about where we go from here.

So, I can’t offer anything more than that right now. I am doing the best that I can – as we all do – in every moment. And I will continue to do so regardless of my circumstances or my state of mind. All we can do is try… and trust that everything happens for a reason.

120 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to hear that, that's a terrible thing to have to go through. Keep your head up, you are in my thoughts!

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  2. I have been following your blog for just a few months now and love the way you write and inspire us who are trying to lose weight. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. Do hope you recover soon.
    KathyR

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  3. Oh my gosh, I am so sorry, very sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is just beyond words. Please know you're not alone and people care about you. Praying for your physical and emotional recovery. Hugs.

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  4. When I tell you I understand, I understand. I suffered a miscarriage in September 2009 after a 10-week emotional roller coaster. It's the greatest pain that I've ever known, physically and emotionally. I can also say now with absolute certainty, I'm stronger, more resilient than I could have ever imagine. You'll learn that about yourself too, if you haven't already. It gets better.

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  5. I am sorry..and I too understand. i miscarried in 2005 and it was one of the lowest points in my life. The idea of having to end a much wanted pregnancy must be even more unfair..even more difficult.
    Big hugs.

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  6. What a sad and terrible thing for you to go through--and still have uncertainties after such a loss. Please accept my deep sympathies and a prayer for your complete recovery. I hope you will be able to have that longed-for child someday soon. God bless....

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  7. I'm so sorry. I had thought you might be pregnant from some of the things you'd said--I imagined you were waiting for an ultrasound to confirm what was going on, and then got bad instead of good news. But this, of course, is even worse.

    There are many bloggers out there who've detailed their fertility and miscarriage struggles. When I was going through something similar I found solace in their writing. One who's still around and whose story had a happy ending through IVF after an ectopic pregnancy is Julie at www.alittlepregnant.com. All of her archives are still up, too. (As well as a link to a long list of other bloggers.)

    Good luck to you and your husband.

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  8. I'm so sorry to hear this, and wish I knew what I could say to help...but I only can say how awful this must be without knowing personally. Can i direct you to people who really do know at the Lost and Found and Connections Abound
    http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/
    People there really know how you feel...all the posts link to the very many people who share your awful news.. Take care of you
    Dawn

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  9. Sending big love and hugs sweetheart.

    Sheilagh

    xxx

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  10. Wow...that is all so terrible to hear. I really hope the best for you & your entire family during this time.

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  11. I am very very sorry to hear that.

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  12. I had suspected that you might have been pregnant by the tone of your last posts - I feel your pain. I was at high risk for ectopic pregnancies. I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks - It is so incredibly hard. My prayers are with you and your husband.

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  13. I am so sorry to hear about your loss and the remaining issues. You and your husband are in my thoughts.

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  15. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been there as well and can tell you just to take one day at a time.

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  16. I'm so sorry girl. I'll be praying for you and your husband as you try to heal from this. And yes, we must trust that everything happens for a reason. It happened to me, too, so you'll just have to trust me when I tell you that things will get better with time. Big hugs.

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  17. Please don't think that any of us think you are an "awful deserter!" I was hoping you'd come back and say, "all is well, I just haven't felt like blogging!" I think many people who read were just concerned for your well being during your absence. I'm so sorry to hear that this is what has been going on while you have been away. I have never been in this situation so I can't even imagine how tough it is. Please know that you have a lot of people here reading who care and are pulling for you.

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  18. I am so glad you were able to post today as I was quite worried and concerned about you. I am so sorry about the baby and wish you all the best my dear girl. Sometimes talking about the worst that has happened to us helps you to recover. Please continue to talk with someone and keep letting your feelings be known. All the best

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  19. We all struggle.

    I think what is important is for us to be healthy in every aspect of our lives. Sometimes our hearts or our minds take precedence. Sometimes our bodies.

    You are pretty awesome. Just the way you are. I promise.

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  20. Im so sorry to hear this. You are in my thoughts.

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  21. I just started following your blog and I'm so sorry to read of your sorrow and now the events you've gone through to try and regain your health. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I'm wishing you well very soon. Please know that I also understand how life takes over at times and would never concider you a "deserter". Warm wishes ~mary helen

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  22. Hi again... I know there are no words to comfort you... but clearly you must feel the love and support around you as we have all been waiting and checking in daily to see how you are doing. While I am so sad to hear your news... I was so happy when I opened your bog and saw that you had communicated...

    You MUST focus on yourself and getting healthy... for you... for your husband... and for your future. While it is wonderful to hear from you, only write if it helps you through your journey of life... Life is full of many ups and downs... and unfortunately you are experiencing a terrible pain... My heart aches for you and your husband and your loss. Remember that God never puts anything in front of us that we can not handle... and you will be stronger and grow from this experience.

    God Bless You and take care of YOU.

    HUGS....

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  23. I am so so sorry to hear this. Obviously a blog is never going to be as important as your own happiness.

    You will be in my thoughts.

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  24. I am SO very sorry for your loss. I had a feeling this was what was going on. I've been there...4 times to be exact and the feeling was worse than anything I could have possibly imagined. Again, I am so sorry. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Keep your head up. If it is your hearts desire to have children keep trying. I have 3, but it was a hard road to get to each one. You did nothing wrong, it was just bad luck. There is a lot of hope, don't give up! My thoughts are with you! Hugs!
    Bridget

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  25. I am so very sorry for your loss. I had 3 miscarriages before I finally had my 2 daughters. The scars will be on my heart forever. I pray for healing for you, both physical and emotional.

    Tracie

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  26. Bless your heart! I'm sending positive energy your way to you and your husband. Take care of yourself and do what's best for you and don't worry about us, we'll still be here when and if you feel like the time is right for you to continue on your journey.

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  27. Sending healing energy your way and keeping you and your husband in my thoughts.

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  28. My first pregnancy ended with miscarriage, and it remains a haunting loss to me, 28 years later. I am so sorry for your pain, and that you had to undergo surgery and further treatment. Just keep facing the light and getting through one day at a time. It's not the time for self punishing, or even for trying to restrict intake too much. Focus on protein as much as possible - it helps with healing.

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  30. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss and the extreme difficulties you are dealing with now. I just started following your blog recently, and it has been a great inspiration to me. But I would never want you to post if it wasn't primarily helping you through whatever life is sending you through. Do whatever is right for you,of course. Thanks for sharing so much of your experience. I'm sending thoughts of healing your way.

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  31. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I am thinking and praying for you and your husband.

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  32. Oh no! I am sorry to hear the news. Praying for you and your husbands strength as you deal with this loss.

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  33. so sad to hear what you are going through. This same thing happened to me when my husband and I first started trying to have kids. I had 2 ectopic pregnancies and in the end had to have surgery to have the tube removed. Today I have 3 beautiful children, all conceived with one measly tube! I know for you it sucks now but there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Good luck.

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  34. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you at this challenging time.

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  35. I am so sorry for your loss. I had no idea what was going on, but would check back every few days to see if you had posted. I'm glad you have come back. Know that you will get support here, if you want it -- it doesn't all have to be weight related!
    Take care of yourself, and do what you need to do for you.

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  36. I have a story for you...
    email me
    diana.martin@xplornet.com

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  37. You owe us nothing. We are here to listen if you want to write. Sending good thoughts...

    Missa
    LosingEthel

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  38. I am very sorry for your loss. The pain of miscarriage is deep, personal and we who has suffered can only do the best we can. My heart goes out to you and your husband and I am praying that your test results are in your favour.

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  39. I am very sorry for your loss. It is very kind and thoughtful of you to share with your concerned readers such a personally painful experience just so that we don't worry. I hope that the sharing helped you a little as well.

    Take care, we will wait patiently and hopefully for your return to health and well-being.

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  40. I'm so sorry for your loss. I truly believe everything happens for a reason but it's so hard to see that when we're hurting. Take care. I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

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  41. I don't know if you will read this but I want to share something of myself with you - I've always been obesse - done it all, up down yo yo. I found out in my 20s I couldn't have children it didn't really hit me till I got married and i'm now in my 30s. Within the first few months of the relationship that became my marrige I fell pregnent then miscarried, it was such a suprise then such a loss, it still hurts. It was a difficult time as I'm sure you can understand. A few years ago I was diagnosed with Spinal Stenosis I'm in the later stages of it and require an operation. I can't walk much, can't stand long enough in one place to wash up or even shower and i'm on so much medication i rattle when I walk. I had to give up work and it feels like I gave up my freedom. I'm now stuck in a flat most of the time. I Have been told that I can't have the operation to help me untill I loose weight. Thats without exercise btw. I was 142kg when I first started im now 121kg but thats over 3 years of chronic pain. I have to get down to at least 100kg before I can have the operation. Every Day Hurts but life goes on. I'm generaly a happy person but it's a battle.

    I'm sharing this mainly to tell you - I get it. I understand pain, loss battling and odds. You don't owe us anything, you only owe yourself. I found your blog only recently, so i'm just starting to understand your journy - but It's an inspiration - you're an inspiration. I'm so sorry for your loss and pain, but from what i have seen so far - you are strong and you will survive. Hold on to your strengh it's what makes you you. Pain will lesson, It wont go away but it will lesson you will be okay.

    Thank you. -x-

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  42. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!! So sorry you are going through this!!

    Take care of yourself. Sending many hugs your way!

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  43. I am so unbelievably sorry. I lost my second baby at 12 weeks last May, and have to have an operation that was also not successful and landed me a two day stay in the hospital and another surgery six weeks after the initial loss. All of the physical issues just made the emotional pain every harder to deal with.
    It took a long time before I felt like myself again, but I did get there, even though I will never be quite the same.
    Prayers to you. If you ever want someone to talk to, please email me:

    pam (at)themeltaways (dot) com

    http://www.themeltaways.com

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  44. Thinking of you today!! Sending prayers and many hugs your way.

    Take care of yourself my friend!

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  45. I hope you have gotten better medical conclusions by now and are healing well, body and spirit and mind and heart. Just thinking of you. I hope you can post soon and let us know how you're doing.

    God bless, sweets.

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  46. I'm so sorry about your pregnancy--I cannot even fathom how hard that must be on you and your husband.

    I'm glad I found your blog. We have very similar stats--I started my weight loss journey in August 2009 at 253 pounds and am at 139 right now. Congrats on your huge weight loss--I know how hard you must have worked for it!

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  47. My Dear...I stumbled upon your blog today as I was researching inspiration for a weight loss journey I must undertake. You see, I have gained weight over the past 2 years from 2 pregnancies that both ended in miscarriages. After I read your last post, I cried. I understand the frustration, the anger, the confusion, the sadness and the fear. Take it one day at a time, really. For that's all you need to do for awhile. Hold your husband tight and know there are brighter days ahead. Sending love and healing prayers to you and your husband from NYC. Peace.

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  48. You are so lucky to have so many kind followers and comments! Just know that you inspired a lot of people I see ( I just found this blog a couple of weeks ago). I told my daughter after our Chuckarama buffet that I am going to blog my eating habits just like this blogger that calls her blog 266. I came by today to see how you blogged some more and start mine.
    2 cups of coffee with homemade sugar free creamer
    Bowl of Life cereal so far.
    I was going to put the exercise in when I decide to post...and how many cups of water I drank. I am wearing a black shorts and black top considering no bra...and especially no head lol if I do that!!! I will post at night.
    You have been in my head ever since I saw your blog.
    I am really sorry for your tubal pregnancy, but thought that maybe if I tell you that a recent stranger is all thinking about you and you helped me see a method to lower my weight....
    prayers are with you.

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  49. Hope you are doing okay. Thinking of you

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  50. you have been an inspiration to a lot of people. It is terribly sad that after all this good you are hit with a major upset. I shake my fists at fate for you. I am a crass sort of woman(thus my handle Fat Bitch) who is inspired by you diet bloggers, especially you 266!
    I have started a blog for myself in similar pattern as yours. I just can't do the weigh in yet (angry at the numbers) and I can't do the pictorial yet (angry at the picture) but I plan on religiously documenting my daily intake! I am turning my computer obsession int an obsession to make my body look better naked again!
    Thankyou so much!

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  51. Today, just now, is the first time I have ever come across your blog. I was looking for inspiration to lose weight blah blah blah and saw your amazing video/journey. First, I was so in awe of your spirit and energy (and secondly your weight loss)! However, when I came to your Home page and you disclosed your sad sad loss, I felt like I had to write. I also had an ectopic pregnancy. I did end up in an ambulance with emergency surgery etc etc. I remember the roller coaster of emotions, the joy, the loss, the shock, the hormones, the moment of daring to think what might never be. When someone would say to me "well, it's for the best..." I would think "Best for who? Not for me. Not for the baby". Don't let anyone minimize your loss but do get support if you need it. I did have one miscarriage after that (but I was actually thankful to know the baby was in the right place that time) and THEN I had three girls over the next 7 years. With one tube! Go Tube!!! Years later, for some odd reason, it was comforting to me to realize my body carried, what OVER 400,000 eggs? What does that mean? To keep trying!? I don't know, but it made me feel like my body didn't fail. Or that it wasn't for a "good" reason. It just happened. I am so sorry for your loss (and the long winded note from a total stranger). Good luck with your new journey - many blessings to you. From what I have seen, you will do just great :)

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  52. WOW. i just found your blog and, naturally, this was the first post i came to. this is incredibly hard... i will be praying for you and your journey through this rough time!

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  53. Be well in peace.

    Life is so difficult and sad, at times, and it brings so many surprises, some seem bad and others good. We don't know what to make of it all, though, until the story is over...

    Your story is still being written. I wish you much peace and serenity.

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  54. Hoping you are doing well. Thinking of you today and pray you have strength, peace, love and joy!!

    Keep focus on your journey!!! Sending hugs your way!!

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  55. Just found your blog after googling weight loss blogs - read your inspiring story before this post - and just wanted to say that I wish you the very best and hope you can begin to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. There are no right words when it comes to expressing to a stranger your wish for them find strength - I just want you to know a stranger on the other side of the world is thinking of you and wishing you the best.

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  56. Are you ever coming back? Thinking of you.

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  57. Just checking to see how you are doing. Hope you are well.

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  58. Wish you would consider coming back. I miss your blog. I hope you are continuing to heal and are doing well.

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  59. Your blog has been incredibly inspirational. I found it just today through a link to your anniversary weight loss video. It was so moving. I clicked on the header to find the most updated news and saw this post with your sad sad news. I'm so very sorry, and I, like many others, hope that you have since recovered. It is sad to miscarry, even sadder when your are forced to for the sake of staying alive, and then the one-two punch of still being in danger after the operation and drugs. It's just devastating.

    My heart goes out to you, and I hope that by now you have started the road to recovery. Even if you never write another word in this blog it has helped a lot of people, including me. I am already grateful for what you have written.

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  60. I hope all is well. I am praying for you. Thank you for being such an inspriation.

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  61. just checkin in, hope you're ok :( You are missed.

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  62. Hey, I've been off the map for quite a while myself, and just now reading all this. So sorry to hear all that you've gone through. I always enjoyed blogging with you and hope to see you back on here someday when you're ready for it.

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  63. I'm so sorry for your loss. We've been trying to conceive for over a year now and thought last week that I'd had a miscarriage. Turns out I wasn't even pregnant. I can only imagine what you have went through all during these last few months. Don't worry about blogger. Concentrate on yourself and your husband. Do what you need to do for yourself.

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  64. I wish you would come back, I've always supported you as have many others. I wonder how you and your husband are and send you my very very best, dear.

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  65. Five months since this post. Please update. Folks worry...

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  66. Thinking of you today. I pray you are filled with joy, peace and hope!

    Take care of yourself and stay focused on your goals!

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  67. I wanted to check in. I hope you are doing okay. If you feel up to it, would love an update, but if not, just know people out here care.

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  68. Praying for your hope, peace and joy, in all things, to be restored! I pray for a new vision and direction for your life! That this day will be a turning point day!

    You are missed!!!

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  69. It's been, what, 9 months? Come on. Come back. At least post an update if you plan to ditch the blog. A lot of folks just wanna know you're okay (or not, or in between). Please, don't leave your online followers/pals/concerned folks hanging. Hugs..

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  71. I was just re-reading my blog and saw that you were one of my first commenters. I miss you!!

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  72. Please update us.....I miss you:)

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  73. I wish you would come by and say happy Thanksgiving. A lot of people love you in blog land and wish you the very best.

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  74. I always look to see if you've updated and maybe I've missed it.

    The blogging community came to hold you in our hands when you gave us the news of your loss. I hope you know that you can come to the community and share your ups and downs.

    I've had a pregnancy loss as well and know that only sharing my experience with others was I able to help others. You never know who needs to hear your story.

    I hope you are doing well.

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  75. It's been 10 months +. Please update. So many comments were left by folks who worried and cared. Please, just let this community know you're alive and..whatever. AlIVE!

    Please. How hard can one post be?

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  76. thinking of you and hoping you can find your way back to blog.

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  77. Hope all is well! Thinking of you today!!

    Keep focused!!

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  78. A good weight loss diet plan is all you need for a healthy life. Congrats' all for loosing weight, and remember, dieting should be enjoy and not forced!

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  79. You probably never bother reading this anymore, but I still want to say that you got a tremendous amount of love and support on the blog for a long time. It's pretty disrespectful to all your readers to have just left and not ever responded, officially closed down, or thanked people for continuing to check on you over a year later. I suspected for a long time that you lost weight too fast, ate too little, and were at risk for some food addiction kind of issues. My honest hope is that you find help, and mostly, peace.

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  80. Wow! I can not let that last post go... This woman shared her life with strangers... YOU are a stranger! She owes you, us NOTHING! I come here every now and then just to read the information she was couragous enough to share with all who desired to read it. Your comment reveals so much more about your possible shortcomings then your uninformed judgments of her! Is it jealousy? Envy maybe? Perhaps a seat on a professional's couch would help you sort it out, but please don't drag others down with your negativity!

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  81. Thinking of you today!! I hope you are doing well and still working your plan!! Keep focused!!!

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  82. Just stumbled onto your blog. You are amazing and I hope that your heart will be mended and healed.

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  83. Perhaps the author, writing a quarter century after the other gospel writers, realized that the symbols had begun to lose their power, and hence omitted them.

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  84. Own insecurities coming out, but again it has played into my decision to briefly explain hiatus…

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  85. Make sure that everything returns to normal, but it hasn’t. was told they missed some cells and that had to have an injection – a drug often used in chemotherapy treatments to stop.

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  86. Everything returns to normal, but it hasn’t. was told they missed some cells and that had to have an injection – a drug often used in chemotherapy treatments to stop.

    ReplyDelete
  87. Told they missed some cells and that had to have an injection – a drug often used in chemotherapy treatments to stop.

    ReplyDelete
  88. Insecurities coming out, but again it has played into my decision to briefly explain hiatus…

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  89. It's been over a year and a half. Thought about you today, wondering if you were okay. Please update. Some of us still have thoughts about you from time to time out here in bloggy world.

    Hugs,
    Princess Dieter
    http://happyweightafter.blogspot.com

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  90. This is not only your problem, most of the people are facing this types of problem but don't worry you can grow up slowly slowly. You should take daily exercise for that and also should consult the doctor.

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  91. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  92. Miss you and wondering if you're okay. Hoping and praying you are.

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  95. I went through this with my right fallopian tube on 3/27/02. Now, I just went through it with my left fallopian tube on 4/18/13. I now have neither tube due to ectopics. Also, my first pregnancy ever was the 2002 ectopic and I had had to have the methotrexate after the surgery. No fun. :( I know this is a super old post but it still stuck a chord with me because I've been through this myself... two times now. :(

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  96. I can understand, I have a blog as well and I have lost about 80 to 90 percent of the weight I wanted to lose and every since I have had a hard time sticking with my blog. But I left the content up for others and when thing get crazy with me I like to go back and look at how far I have come.. It keeps me focused!

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