About Time

Again, I didn’t do too badly today. I am still not quite on solid ground, but I am finally gaining a bit of footing. Every day is one more chance to make improvements and I am trying to take advantage of that.

I am largely lacking in sleep though and I think that is an issue. I am actually feeling a bit run down even during the days, so I know that I have to make some changes in that department. When I am consistently struggling to find a moment to even type out my food and exercise lists, and I am still only sleeping for four or five hours a night, then I know there is a problem. Where does all my time go?!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 6 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 3/4 cup low fat orange yogurt
- 2 caramel rice cakes
- 1 cocoa coconut cluster bar
- 1 piece of a chocolate pecan square
- 1 mug coconut steamed soy milk
- 1 cup heated tuna salad with grated cheese, grated zucchini, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, seasoning. and pepper
- 1 cup tiny cheese crackers and cranberries
- 1/2 apple
- 9 pieces of a California sushi roll with caviar and soy sauce
- 3/4 cup low fat piña colada yogurt with 1 cup multi-grain Cheerios

EXERCISE:
- 45 minute walk

Finally Feeling Fine

This is the first day in quite a long time that I actually felt relatively on track. It’s a great feeling! I just wish I had a bit more time to revel in it!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 6 glasses of water
- 3/4 cup mixed berry yogurt with 1 cup maple nut wheat flake cereal
- 1 chocolate delite fiber bar
- 3 cups Caesar salad with bacon bits, Parmesan cheese, and croutons
- 1 garlic bread wedge
- 1 nectarine
- 2 small pears
- 2 homemade tuna cakes
- 3/4 cup low fat piña colada yogurt with 1 cup maple nut wheat flake cereal
- 1 cup fruit salad

EXERCISE:
- 1 hour and 5 minutes of rowing a dragon boat

Partner Up

I had a great talk with my husband this evening about my struggles – or, more specifically, our struggles – with this journey of late. We have both gained back approximately the same amount of weight and are going through very similar issues with craving sweeter foods, being less careful with what we are eating in general, and being more prone to miss out on exercising. Plus, we have been doing so while in each other’s presence, so it becomes a bit of a cyclic system with each of us lacking in our steadfastness and dedication to stay on track which then makes it easier for the other person to do the same.

I think, though, that the conversation we had this evening will help. Neither of us are overly happy with how we have been doing and so I think getting back on the same page with the intention to do better together will really make things easier. It always helps to have someone fight the fight by your side!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 6 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 chocolate delite fiber bar
- 1/4 cup homemade granola
- 1 homemade blueberry strawberry and white chocolate muffin with butter
- 2 homemade lavender shortbread cookies
- 1 1/2 cups carrots, broccoli, and red and yellow peppers with Mexican dip
- 3 slice Hawaiian pizza
- 1 pumpkin spice steamed soy milk
- 1 large ginger molasses cookie
- 2 cups mint chocolate bar ice cream blend

EXERCISE:
- 45 minute walk

Weigh-In For Week 60

I hummed and hawed a bit about whether to do a weigh-in because I knew that last night's greasy, high-sodium meal and a half was going to lend itself to a large (though assuredly temporary) increase on the scale. Finally, what it came down to was that because I had not planned on not weighing ahead of time, but was merely considering it on impulse due to overeating unhealthy choices, that I should go ahead and keep my records consistent. If I decide not to weigh some week down the road and make that choice ahead of time that would be different, but the thought of me not doing so today was simply a glimmer of my not wanting to be accountable to a moment of weakness.

So, without further ado, the very scary number is 159.8. That is exactly three pounds up from last week so, no, there is no joy in my weigh-in today. However, the one thing that I can take the tiniest bit of solace in is that I was very convinced that I would step up on that scale this morning and see a number that was deeply entrenched in the 160's. So, I do know it could have been a lot worse and I am thanking my lucky stars that I didn't order a dessert all to myself like I had wanted, but instead split one with my husband. At least I showed a sliver of restraint. I am patting myself on the back whenever I can these days.

To Weigh, Or Not To Weigh

I honestly don’t even know if I should weigh in tomorrow morning. I had an enormous amount of salty, greasy food tonight because I was at a going away party for a friend, and we ate at a restaurant where the healthy options were completely non-existent. Plus, we went out for dessert and drinks afterwards! I have been feeling pretty down about where I am at lately in this journey and I don’t want to have a temporary massive gain skewing my numbers (and, potentially, my mood). Yeah, I really don’t know what to do about my weigh-in…

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 8 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 whole grain muffin
- 3 caramel rice cakes
- 2 bites lavender shortbread raw cookie dough
- 7 homemade lavender shortbread cookies
- 3/4 cup pasta salad with cheese and broccoli
- 9 pieces of a spicy California sushi roll with soy sauce
- 1/2 cinnamon bun with icing
- 1/2 cup strawberry yogurt with 1/3 banana
- 3/4 cup tortilla chips with salsa and sour cream
- 3 cups nachos with 1 cup cheese salsa
- 1 bite bean and beef burrito
- 2 glasses of piña colada
- 1/2 brownie dessert with ice cream and whipped cream
- 1 bite of Bailey’s cheesecake with whipped cream
- 1/4 cup marshmallows
- 4 whole wheat crackers with herb and garlic soft cheese
- 1 1/2 cups apple cinnamon flavoured corn, wheat, and oat cereal with 3/4 cup milk
- 1 glass white wine

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

No Energy

None. Zip. Zilch. I need to recharge. Operating on half the sleep I need is not working out.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 3 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 apple fritter
- 1 pumpkin spice steamed soy milk
- 1 sip grape juice
- 1 sip apple-orange juice
- 1 glass chocolate peanut butter ice blended drink
- 1 sandwich on a baguette with deli turkey, cheese, lettuce, and herb mayonnaise
- 1 1/2 cups butter toffee and peanut flake chocolate bar ice cream blend
- 8 cheese crackers
- 1 homemade juice popsicle with 3 natural fruit gummy candies
- 1/2 cinnamon bun with icing

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

I Love My Zzzzzzzzzz…

I am so tired, but even now I still have something that I need to be working on. It’s a good thing that I love my life as much as I do, or I might be feeling overwhelmed otherwise! As it is, I know that I am incredibly lucky to enjoy what I do with the majority of my time, even if it does often leave me exhausted. So many projects; so little time!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 7 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 4 caramel rice cakes
- 1 pear
- 2 miniature chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing and sprinkles
- 3/4 cup mixed berry yogurt
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 1/2 cups pecan, chocolate, and caramel ice cream blend
- 1 sip apple juice
- 1 bite grapefruit
- 1 pita pocket with eggplant baba ghanouj dip
- 7 gummy candies
- 1 fish burger on a white hamburger bun with cheese, lettuce, and mayonnaise
- 3/4 cup French fries with honey mustard sauce and salt
- 2 cups mint chocolate bar ice cream blend
- 1/4 cup natural fruit gummy candies

EXERCISE:
- 15 minute walk

Soup’s Up

I honestly don’t have a lot to say about today. Nothing significant really happened. I tried Vietnamese soup for the first time and I really enjoyed that. I suppose that’s a minor testament to the fact that my tastes are still developing, and it makes me glad that I am generally more willing to try different foods than I used to be. I think that’s a result of this journey: being open to liking a wider variety of cuisine. Yeah, like I said, not much to write about tonight…

And in a totally-unrelated-to-weight-loss-in-any-way side note: for anyone wanting a chance to win a free youth novel, all you need to do to enter is pop by the website of the publishing company I write my column for and leave a comment on the post titled Prized Friendships! It's open to anyone living in Canada or the United States. Good luck!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 5 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 cranberry lemon scone with icing
- 3/4 cup fat free strawberry yogurt
- 1/2 mug Chinese tea
- 3 cups beef and rice noodle soup with basil, sprouts, and lime juice
- 1 spring roll with plum sauce
- 1 pumpkin spice steamed soy milk
- 1 apple fritter
- 1/3 lemon poppy seed muffin with margarine
- 8 cheese flavoured rice crackers with cream cheese
- 1 pumpkin scone with icing
- 1/4 mug of toffee mocha steamed skim milk
- 1 bite of a glazed chocolate doughnut
- 1 mug coconut steamed soy milk
- 1 piece of a coconut lemon square
- 2 cups macaroni and cheese with sausages and pepper

EXERCISE:
- 50 minutes of rowing a dragon boat

I Got Yelled At Today

This evening, I was walking through a department store, looking at Halloween costumes when my eye started to wander to the seasonal bags of candy and chips and other goodies. I thought, “I can just get one bag. What’s the harm?” Then I decided, no, I can buy something, but there is no reason to purchase a whole bag. So I started to look at the normal displays of chocolate bars and caramels and typical sugary temptations. That’s when my cravings went into overload. I suddenly wanted one of everything and quickly started to make a shortlist of the few things I would get so that I could go home, relax, and partake in all the treats.

Then, from out of nowhere I heard a voice absolutely screaming at me to get out! “What are you doing? Go away!” it yelled, and I obeyed without a second thought. “Start moving! Don’t look back! One foot in front of the other! Keep your head down and keep on going!” I was startled, but I did what the voice was telling me to. How could I not given that it was coming from inside my own head?

On top of that I faced a minor conflict a little later on. My inclination to reach for my running shoes instead of a pastry surprised me, but I went with it. Who am I to argue when my conscience is treating me right?

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 7 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 3/4 cup fat free strawberry yogurt
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 2 grilled cheese sandwiches on whole wheat bread with margarine
- 1 cup peach yogurt
- 1/2 banana strawberry frozen yogurt tube
- 1 slice of a vanilla cream roll log
- 6 inch sub on an Italian herbs and cheese bun with deli ham, deli turkey, bacon, cheese, lettuce, tomato, black olives, onion, green pepper, light mayonnaise, honey mustard, and pepper
- 1/2 glass root beer
- 1 white chocolate and macadamia nut cookie
- 1 glazed doughnut
- 1 pumpkin spice steamed soy milk

EXERCISE:
- 30 minutes of jogging with a 5 minute walking warm up and a 5 minute walking cool down

What A Difference Five Pounds Makes

I was chatting with a woman a couple of days ago about my weight loss journey and I was telling her that I have been struggling lately. I expressed to her that I have heard from a number of people that quite often when someone loses a significant amount of weight that they experience a gain around the time that they reach goal because it is just as hard – if not harder in some ways – to maintain as it is to lose.

She asked, “but you’re still in that five pound range or so, right?” And I responded with, “well, it’s more like ten, but it’s still okay.”

There are two problems with that interchange.

Firstly, my defenses went up, mildly but immediately, upon her inquiry. Now I don’t know this person well, but she appears to be a really nice woman and I have no doubt that she was simply carrying on her end of the conversation. Yet because I have had such a hard time lately I viewed her question as warranting a qualifier: “…but it’s still okay.” I guess I felt like responding that I had gained back ten or so pounds meant that she would think it wasn’t ‘okay’. Or, perhaps, I know that it really isn’t and I was trying to convince myself of otherwise.

Secondly, I lied! Me! I think of myself as a very, very honest person. My husband would probably say that I am such to a fault. But the truth is that I have gained back closer to fifteen pounds than ten; and I knew it when I was talking to her. Why did I do that?!

I guess I am scared that people will view any deviation from the healthier lifestyle I worked so hard at creating as failure. I feel sometimes like I have created a very specific image for myself in all that I have done over the last thirteen months. I have always been the type of person who achieves things that other people think of as impossible, but when there is visual, in your face evidence like a more than one hundred pound loss it becomes a different type of proof. And with that comes expectations.

With great power comes great responsibility, and so on, and so forth…

I have always put more pressure on myself than others; and I know that a lot of what I feel are the expectations of family and friends are probably no more than my own imaginings. However, people do look at me differently now and I sometimes feel like a bit of a pedestal has been created regarding my weight loss accomplishments.

And it’s a long way down.

So for that reason and due to whatever other odd malfunctions occurred in my brain in the split second that it took for me to respond to the woman’s question I decided to lie. I told her ten when I knew the truth was fifteen. I don’t want to be that person! I do not want to lie and I certainly do not want to revert to a state where I am uncomfortable with what I weigh. For the past year I have proudly announced to anyone who asked exactly what my weight was because I have been so pleased with my progress. That’s where I want to be again.

I just need to figure out how to get there.

And I need to beware of falling as I find my way.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 4 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 3/4 cup fat free strawberry yogurt with 1 cup Multigrains cereal
- 1 mug pumpkin spice steamed soy milk
- 1 sandwich on sunflower bread with deli turkey, cheese, lettuce, and Dijon mustard
- 1 pumpkin scone with icing
- 1/4 cup almonds glazed with cranberries, honey, and sea salt
- 1 glass root beer
- 2 cups butterscotch and peanut butter chocolate bar ice cream blend
- 12 rosemary and olive oil whole grain crackers with garlic and herb soft cheese
- 2 cups apple cinnamon flavoured corn, wheat, and oat cereal with 3/4 cup milk

EXERCISE:
- 1 hour and 15 minutes of rowing a dragon boat
- 30 minute walk

The Motherload

A very short while after I wrote about my weigh in today – about how proud I am of this week’s loss – my mom told me that the shorts that I was wearing looked tight. Now I love my mom, and ultimately appreciate the honesty, but still… I have to admit that it really hurt to hear.

I changed. Pretty much the second I had the opportunity to, I slipped into a pair of jeans. The problem though is that she is right. I was just saying to my husband that my clothes are fitting tighter, and after that exchange with my mom this afternoon I told him that I really only have a single pair of pants (the ones I had changed into) that I feel completely confident in wearing right now.

A little while ago I even thought about pulling out some of the bigger sizes that I had packed away a few months back. At least then I wouldn’t struggle to find something to wear in the mornings. But, for pride or foolhardiness or obstination I did not decide to go that route. Instead, I have been wearing what I have and just making it work with slightly looser and longer shirts to hide the muffin top that has been poking over my pants.

I just realized that I am not sure to what end I am writing about this. To complain about my mother’s comment; to confess about my ill-fitting clothing; to challenge my own conceptions… Regardless, I felt like I should journal about this, so here it is. It’s just one more entry in a long series of semi-related posts in the world of a woman doing her best to gain insights as she loses inches.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 6 glasses of water
- 4 cups apple cinnamon flavoured corn, wheat, and oat cereal with 1 1/2 cups milk
- 3/4 cup fat free peach yogurt with 1 cup wheat and oat multi-grain cereal
- 1 mug decaffeinated tea with milk
- 1 glass iced tea
- 2 cups spaghetti with meat sauce
- 1 cup meatballs
- 2 slices homemade bread with butter
- 1 cup Caesar salad with Parmesan cheese and croutons
- 1 1/2 pieces homemade cinnamon loaf
- 2 1/2 cups popcorn with butter
- 1 eggnog shortbread cookie
- 3/4 large hazelnut tart
- 2 cups mint chocolate bar ice cream blend

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

Weigh-In For Week 59

I am down about a pound and a half this week. It may not seem like much compared to how I have been able to drop weight in the past, but I am actually thrilled! I saw a couple of scary numbers on the scale over the past seven days so 156.8 is a bigger improvement than the difference it implies. Now I just need to keep chipping away at this healthy living and continue making little improvements. It’s not about being perfect – it’s just about doing better than before.

Focusing On Something Different

It has been one very long day. But, it was productive and I feel like the efforts I have been putting forth in my life did pay off a little this afternoon. All in all I think being as busy as I was today helped a bit with the normal cravings I have been having lately. I guess I had so much on the go that my brain had a chance to focus on other things. I still haven’t been able to get through a day in quite a while without consuming some sweets (as always, the temptation to write something along the lines of “…quite a while without some sweets sneaking in” is strong, but I always try to remember to word things in a way that ensures that I am taking responsibility for my actions). However, I am perfectly willing to find and rejoice in whatever small victories I can right now. All in all I would say the day was a bit of an improvement.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 8 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 pumpkin spice soy steamed milk
- 1 apple fritter
- 4 bites of a cinnamon bun with icing
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 6 crackers with cream cheese
- 1 root beer milkshake
- 7 perogies with sour cream, bacon pieces, and onion

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

Listing

I have been out of the house since 7:30am and I just walked in the door. I may fall over! I am feeling kind of punchy, but I know that I need to get to sleep right away because Friday will be yet another long day (although, thankfully, it promises to be a bit shorter than this one).

Unfortunately, because I was in a hurry to try and get home I left behind the record of what I ate today. So, I am going to have to post it tomorrow night since there is no way my sleep-deprived memory is currently adequate enough to recall everything that I consumed. You know, I bet the reason I forgot my list is because it wasn’t on my list of things to remember!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 6 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 3/4 cup fat free cherry yogurt
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 pumpkin spice soy steamed milk
- 1 apple fritter
- 4 bites pumpkin pie with whipped cream
- 1 banana muffin with margarine
- 1 apple cinnamon cereal bar
- 2 cups mint chocolate bar ice cream

EXERCISE:
- 15 minute walk