I was chatting with a woman a couple of days ago about my weight loss journey and I was telling her that I have been struggling lately. I expressed to her that I have heard from a number of people that quite often when someone loses a significant amount of weight that they experience a gain around the time that they reach goal because it is just as hard – if not harder in some ways – to maintain as it is to lose.
She asked, “but you’re still in that five pound range or so, right?” And I responded with, “well, it’s more like ten, but it’s still okay.”
There are two problems with that interchange.
Firstly, my defenses went up, mildly but immediately, upon her inquiry. Now I don’t know this person well, but she appears to be a really nice woman and I have no doubt that she was simply carrying on her end of the conversation. Yet because I have had such a hard time lately I viewed her question as warranting a qualifier: “…but it’s still okay.” I guess I felt like responding that I had gained back ten or so pounds meant that she would think it wasn’t ‘okay’. Or, perhaps, I know that it really isn’t and I was trying to convince myself of otherwise.
Secondly, I lied! Me! I think of myself as a very, very honest person. My husband would probably say that I am such to a fault. But the truth is that I have gained back closer to fifteen pounds than ten; and I knew it when I was talking to her. Why did I do that?!
I guess I am scared that people will view any deviation from the healthier lifestyle I worked so hard at creating as failure. I feel sometimes like I have created a very specific image for myself in all that I have done over the last thirteen months. I have always been the type of person who achieves things that other people think of as impossible, but when there is visual, in your face evidence like a more than one hundred pound loss it becomes a different type of proof. And with that comes expectations.
With great power comes great responsibility, and so on, and so forth…
I have always put more pressure on myself than others; and I know that a lot of what I feel are the expectations of family and friends are probably no more than my own imaginings. However, people do look at me differently now and I sometimes feel like a bit of a pedestal has been created regarding my weight loss accomplishments.
And it’s a long way down.
So for that reason and due to whatever other odd malfunctions occurred in my brain in the split second that it took for me to respond to the woman’s question I decided to lie. I told her ten when I knew the truth was fifteen. I don’t want to be that person! I do not want to lie and I certainly do not want to revert to a state where I am uncomfortable with what I weigh. For the past year I have proudly announced to anyone who asked exactly what my weight was because I have been so pleased with my progress. That’s where I want to be again.
I just need to figure out how to get there.
And I need to beware of falling as I find my way.
FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 4 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 3/4 cup fat free strawberry yogurt with 1 cup Multigrains cereal
- 1 mug pumpkin spice steamed soy milk
- 1 sandwich on sunflower bread with deli turkey, cheese, lettuce, and Dijon mustard
- 1 pumpkin scone with icing
- 1/4 cup almonds glazed with cranberries, honey, and sea salt
- 1 glass root beer
- 2 cups butterscotch and peanut butter chocolate bar ice cream blend
- 12 rosemary and olive oil whole grain crackers with garlic and herb soft cheese
- 2 cups apple cinnamon flavoured corn, wheat, and oat cereal with 3/4 cup milk
- 1 hour and 15 minutes of rowing a dragon boat
- 30 minute walk