Hello...

Is there anybody out there?

I Lost It

For a couple of weeks now I have been trying and trying to come up with some way to explain what’s been going on with me and this now month-long absence from this blog. I just haven’t been able to get it out. But I can’t stand the thought any more of people thinking that I have just abandoned ship.

No, I don’t know what will happen next with this journal of mine – I want to keep it up but it is so low on my priority list right now that I just can’t find the time or the energy to get on here. And, yes, I am struggling. Deeply and with reason. Things are bad and they have affected my eating terribly. I have continued to track everything I eat and it is slowly improving, but it is still quite bad.

I have really battled with myself over whether to post about what has been going on because it is so deeply personal, but I feel some sense of loyalty to many people who read this and can’t shake the feeling that I owe some sort of explanation. I know that’s not the case, but it’s how I feel. And I also suspect – based on some of the comments left on my blog in the past – that I have some followers who are probably thinking I am an awful deserter. Perhaps that’s my own insecurities coming out, but – again – it has played into my decision to briefly explain my hiatus…

I was pregnant.

My husband and I very much wanted the baby – we had been trying and were beyond excited when we found out about the pregnancy. But it turned out that the embryo was in my right fallopian tube and that I had to have surgery to have it removed. I was told the tube would rupture and that I could die if I didn’t. I cried so much that I didn’t even recognize myself in the mirror.

I had been sent to emergency the day after I last posted and I spent the night in the hospital and had the surgery the next day. The doctors have followed my blood work to make sure that everything returns to normal, but it hasn’t. I was told they missed some cells and that I had to have an injection – a drug often used in chemotherapy treatments to stop the development of rapidly growing cells – to stop their growth. Again, the threat was tubal rupture. And now, almost a week after that, my numbers just came back as inconclusive, so I don’t know if the drug worked or not. I am supposed to hear back from one of the doctors tomorrow about where we go from here.

So, I can’t offer anything more than that right now. I am doing the best that I can – as we all do – in every moment. And I will continue to do so regardless of my circumstances or my state of mind. All we can do is try… and trust that everything happens for a reason.

I'm Okay

I am doing okay. I’m not great, but I’m not terrible either. Tomorrow is a big day and it’s probably really going to establish how my mood develops for the next little while. It would be a gross underestimate to say that I am hoping things go well…

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 11 glasses of water
- 1 1/4 cup strawberries
- 1 cranberry almond granola bar
- 3 slices cranberry whole grain toast with margarine
- 1 cup peach yogurt with 3/4 cup almond wheat flake granola cereal
- 2 packages string cheese
- 1 1/2 cups canned peaches
- 1 cup celery with Italian dressing
- 2 heated sandwiches on cheese buns with cheese slices, fat free mayonnaise, and margarine
- 2 pieces of angel food cake with light lemon whipped cream

EXERCISE:
- 15 minute walk

Hanging In There

I am wiped. My mood has been up and down all day, but I am trying to stay positive. It’s hard when I feel so tired, but it’s been such an emotional week I suppose I am doing as well as I can.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 8 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 golden delicious apple
- 2 slices whole grain toast with light peanut butter and light strawberry jam
- 2 grilled cheese sandwiches on whole grain bread with fat free mayonnaise and margarine
- 3 cups braised noodles
- 2 slices cranberry whole grain toast with margarine

EXERCISE:
- 25 minute walk

Things Are Looking Up

I am counting my blessings. I can’t help but be anxious that things may start to unravel again at any moment, but for now I am finally seeing a little bit of light at what has been feeling like a long, dark tunnel.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 10 glasses of water
- 1 1/2 cups canned pears
- 3/4 cup fat free strawberry yogurt with 1 cup whole grain Cheerios cereal
- 12 inch sub on a white bun with steak, cheese, onions, mushrooms, hot honey mustard, and zesty sauce
- 8 cranberry hazelnut whole grain crackers
- 1 banana
- 1 cup steamed broccoli with margarine
- 1 baked potato with sour cream and margarine
- 10 whole grain crackers with low fat herb and garlic cream cheese

EXERCISE:
- 25 minute walk

Gung Haggis Fat Choy

The multicultural celebration I attended this evening was a welcome distraction, but it kept me nibbling all night long. At least the food wasn’t junk like chips and cookies though.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 12 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 2 grilled cheese sandwiches on whole grain bread with mayonnaise and margarine
- 3/4 cup fat free strawberry yogurt with 1 cup multi grain Cheerios cereal
- 12 inch sub on a white bun with steak, cheese, onion, mushrooms, zesty sauce, and hot honey mustard sauce
- 1 cup canned pears
- 1/8 cup barbecued pork
- 1 bite of haggis and pork dim sum with sauce
- 1 small turnip cake
- 1 bite of a haggis deep fried wonton
- 1/2 cup vegetable and winter melon soup
- 2 diced vegetable lettuce wraps with sauce
- 1 bite haggis
- 1/4 cup steamed salmon
- 1/2 cup broccoli, mushroom, and deep fried tofu dish
- 1/2 cup crispy chicken
- 2 cups braised noodles
- 2 bites coconut pudding
- 2 bites mango pudding
- 1 heated banana nut muffin with margarine

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

I Am

I am getting a bit heavy with the carbohydrates, but I am still staying on track. Given my current circumstances I am amazed...

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 8 glasses of water
- 4 inch sub on a ciabatta bun with deli ham, cheese, lettuce, tomato, green pepper, onion, mayonnaise, mustard, and pepper
- 1 1/2 cups whole grain Cheerios with 1 cup milk
- 4 packages string cheese
- 15 whole grain cranberry and hazelnut crackers
- 1 toasted cranberry bagel with melted cheese
- 3 slices homemade green onion quick bread with margarine
- 1 1/2 cups macaroni and cheese with pepper
- 1 extra large glass piña colada slushy drink

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

It’s Complicated

I am doing the best that I can. Lists may have to be all I put up on here for a couple more days.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 8 glasses of water
- 2 slices whole wheat toast with light peanut butter and homemade strawberry jam
- 3 packages string cheese
- 1 banana
- 2 cups chicken chow mien
- 8 inch sub on a ciabatta bun with deli ham, cheese, lettuce, tomato, green pepper, onion, mayonnaise, mustard, and pepper

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

I Am Here

I am here, but that is really all I can do right now.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 9 glasses of water
- 2 slices whole wheat toast with light peanut butter and homemade strawberry jam
- 2 pieces ham quiche
- 1 toasted whole wheat English muffin with cheese
- 4 low fat lemon poppy seed and butterscotch chip muffins with margarine
- 1 cup pasta with Parmesan cream sauce
- 2 pork chops
- 1 mug steamed coconut flavoured milk
- 3 packages string cheese

EXERCISE:
- 15 minute walk

Nothing To Say

I’m just posting my lists tonight. The day has been too much.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 9 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 12 inch sub on a Parmesan oregano bun with steak, cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, black olives, chipotle sauce, and pepper
- 1 dark chocolate almond fiber bar
- 2 pieces broccoli and ham quiche

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

Again...

…I am just too tired to think up anything creative to write. I’m still doing alright with the eating though.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 10 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with organic beef, cheese, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 12 whole wheat crackers with low fat herb and garlic cream cheese
- 3/4 cup fat free strawberry yogurt with 1 cup almond wheat flake granola cereal
- 1 blueberry waffle with margarine and maple syrup
- 1 pear
- 4 sausages
- 1 cup pasta with Parmesan cream sauce
- 1 cup steamed broccoli with margarine
- 3 slices whole wheat toast with light peanut butter and homemade strawberry jam

EXERCISE:
- 15 minute walk

Drooling On The Pillow

I can’t even think straight, I’m so tired. The eating was pretty decent today, but the exercise was nearly non existent. I’m working on it…

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 10 glasses of water
- 1 apple
- 3 cups pasta with cheese sauce
- 1 egg custard tart
- 1 orange
- 2 toasted whole wheat English muffins with light peanut butter and homemade strawberry jam
- 10 whole wheat crackers with low fat herb and garlic cream cheese
- 1 cup frosted wheat cereal

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

Pleasant Dreams

I am so tired, but so happy…

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 9 glasses of water
- 1 toasted cheese bagel with low fat herb and garlic cream cheese
- 1 dark chocolate almond fiber bar
- 12 inch toasted sub on a Parmesan oregano bun with steak, cheese, lettuce, tomato, black olives, onions, chipotle sauce, and pepper
- 1 slice roast beef with gravy
- 2 Yorkshire pudding buns
- 1/2 cup corn
- 2 slices banana bread with butter
- 1 1/2 cups honey mustard flavoured pretzel pieces
- 1 apple

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

Keep On Truckin’

It was another amazing day although I far overdid it on the desserts tonight. I did, however, make a conscious effort to compensate earlier in the day since I knew there was to be celebrations this evening. Hopefully things even out fairly well on the scale. In the meanwhile I am feeling good and the walk I got in today was lovely. I am taking a bit of a road trip tomorrow so I will have to be careful about the snacks that I pack. Here’s hoping I do well!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 8 glasses of water
- 1 toasted cheese bagel with low fat herb and garlic cream cheese
- 3/4 cup fat free strawberry yogurt with 1 cup almond wheat flake granola cereal
- 3 cups green salad with honey mustard dressing
- 1 cup sliced apples with low fat caramel sauce
- 1/2 cup trail mix
- 4 gherkin pickles
- 1 cup dried pineapple and papaya
- 1 cup mixed green salad with nuts, apple, and Italian dressing
- 2 slices ham with mustard sauce
- 3/4 cup steamed broccoli with mustard sauce
- 1 piece tuna quiche
- 1/2 cup scalloped potatoes
- 2 slices fat free angel food cake with lemon whipped cream
- 1 slice key lime pie with chocolate graham crust and whipped cream
- 1 vanilla cupcake with icing and sprinkles

EXERCISE:
- 30 minute walk

Life Is Grand!

Today was incredible – it was one of the best days I can remember! I finally got to celebrate my birthday with family (with one last party to come tomorrow with yet another group) and it was just a wonderful day all around. I am so, so blessed!!!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 8 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 2 egg omelet with cheese and mushrooms
- 2 slices whole grain toast with butter and strawberry jam
- 1 bite French toast on white bread with butter and maple syrup
- 1 toasted cheese bagel with low fat herb and garlic cream cheese
- 4 yam fries with spicy mayonnaise
- 2 cups Caesar salad with Parmesan and croutons
- 7 jumbo shrimp
- 6 oz steak
- 1/2 baked potato with sour cream, bacon, and green onion
- 1/2 chocolate brownie dessert with ice cream, whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and sprinkles
- 1 homemade lemon tart
- 4 homemade cookies

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

Somewhere Along The Way This Ramble Got Philosophical

Okay, I am starting to feel like I am getting this eating thing more and more in control. I am having fewer sweets and when I do indulge it is with lower fat options. I am having greater success with turning down temptations and with talking myself out of cravings. I am even slowly starting to work a few servings of produce back into my menus.

I know that I need to tackle portions. I am often making healthier choices yet am consuming too much of a good thing, so to speak. I also need to increase those fruits and vegetables from the token helpings to a higher majority within my eating regimen. My water intake, too, is getting much, much better, but – again – there is a lot of room for improvement. I am not as consistent as I would like to be with getting all the H2O my body needs.

I have been working hard at improving my habits and at leaving the temporary regression I went through in the past. I am moving forward, but – most importantly, I think – I am allowing myself the understanding that I would offer to any other human being in these circumstances.

I am not perfect. I had a great streak – an amazingly, nearly unbelievable one, in fact – but it came to a screeching halt a few months ago. I don’t know what the trigger was or if there even was one. I don’t know if I just got careless or if it could happen again. What I am sure of is that what I have done does not define what I will do. If it did, I never would have lost a hundred plus pounds in the first place after years and years of struggling with obesity.

The truth is that this journey is worth it, but it can also be heartbreaking in some ways. Living up to the expectations we set out for ourselves is a tricky business. We need to find the balance between challenge and trial. We can’t achieve what we personally define as success without trying to be more than we think we are, but we also can’t weigh down our hearts and minds and bodies with the effort of driving ourselves towards some ideal accomplished with utterly unblemished progress.

Perfection always has been and always will be the impossible goal… and thank goodness for that! To push ourselves towards betterment is one of the best things about being alive, but I can’t imagine how boring and stale life would suddenly become if we ever achieved absolutely everything we ever wanted. I forget that sometimes.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 9 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 1/4 cups vanilla yogurt with 1 cup wheat flake granola cereal
- 1 toasted whole wheat English muffin with cheese
- 1 cup pasta with garlic Alfredo sauce
- 1 apple
- 1 cup meatballs in mushroom sauce
- 1 cup steamed broccoli with margarine
- 1/2 cup seasoned basmati rice
- 1 cheese bagel with low fat herb and garlic cream cheese
- 3 1/2 warm low fat banana and chocolate chip muffins

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

Beddy Bye

I am so tired. I just had to turn down gourmet baked goods too. Sigh… It’s time for bed.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 8 glasses of water
- 1 toasted whole wheat English muffin with cheese
- 10 large wheat crackers with 2 light Laughing Cow wedges and hot pepper jelly
- 1 pumpkin pie fruit and grain bar
- 9 cheese crackers with cheese
- 2 Mandarin oranges
- 1 heated wrap on a soft tortilla shell with chicken, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 3 1/2 warm low fat oatmeal and butterscotch chip muffins with margarine
- 4 cups popcorn with margarine

EXERCISE:
- 30 minutes of walking completed in 2 outings (both 15 minutes long)

On Hold

Wow, it got late quick! I am way too tired to even focus right now, so the lists will have to wait until I can edit them into this post tomorrow...

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 5 glasses of water
- 1 toasted whole wheat English muffin with cheese
- 1 pumpkin pie fruit and grain bar
- 24 large wheat crackers with 4 light Laughing Cow wedges and hot pepper jelly
- 2 grilled cheese sandwiches on whole wheat bread with margarine
- 1 cup red peppers
- 12 inch sun on a white bun with steak, cheese, mushrooms, onion, and zesty sauce
- 2 large glasses ginger ale
- 1 piece heated homemade apple crumble
- 4 thin mint cookies

EXERCISE:
- 15 minute walk

Calling It

I held it together today in the face of chocolate, an apple fritter, homemade apple crumble and the offer to visit one of my favourite bakeries. I’m going to call it a good day and call it a night.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 10 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 toasted English muffin with cheese
- 2 crab wraps on soft tortilla shells with imitation crab meat, spinach, fat free mayonnaise, mustard, and pepper
- 3 cups Caesar salad with croutons and bacon bits
- 1 slice garlic toast on white bread
- 1 cup cheesy scalloped potatoes
- 3 slice ham with mustard
- 48 small wheat crackers with 2 light Laughing Cow wedges and hot pepper jelly
- 1 pumpkin pie fruit and grain bar

EXERCISE:
- 30 minute of walking completed in 2 outings (both 15 minutes long)

No Birthday Bumps

I had the most fantastic, amazing, and wonderful day I have had in ages!!! It was my birthday today and my incredible husband arranged for a fun filled day packed with loved ones, treats, and activities! I had the best time!!! I have to say that – eating be damned – today it was worth every calorie. Tomorrow I will be back at it harder than ever thanks to this rejuvenating lift! Besides, we finished off the day with a nice evening stroll to burn off a few of those extras!

What a day!!!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 3 glasses of water
- 2 toasted English muffins with eggs, bacon, cheese, and butter
- 1 individual banana and chocolate pie
- 1 mug pumpkin spice steamed skim milk
- 1 sour cream glazed doughnut
- 1/2 apple fritter
- 1 extra large glass piña colada slushy drink
- 4 bites peanut butter and toffee chocolate bar ice cream blend
- 1 glass lime slushy drink
- 8 inch personal pizza with ham, shrimp, cheese, pineapple, and tomato sauce
- 2 glasses root beer
- 2 chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing and sprinkles
- 2 cups popcorn with butter
- 1/2 cup chocolate covered peanut butter candies

EXERCISE:
- 30 minute walk