Friday, December 10, 2010

One Theory

I had a hard time deciding whether to bring attention to this or not, but I really think that I must...

I find the theories that are bouncing around about how my past months of struggle have been an experiment are quite insulting to anyone who is dealing with the issue of overeating. I have been nothing but honest in what I write on here and all that has been witnessed is a very raw glimpse into the ongoing journey of someone who doesn’t have it right just yet. The only difference between what I have been experiencing and what countless men and women go through on a daily basis is that I had an audience. You may not understand what has been happening with me – I don’t need you to – but I do request that you don’t make light of the difficulties people like me go through. Please, for the sake of those who come here looking for help in their own struggles, do not make wild inferences about the intentions of this blog. Surely those who are experiencing similar difficulties do not need to hear that there are people out there that simply can't comprehend it as being a reality for some. It is real. And so, too, is the potential for such unacceptance to cause damage to others.

- 9 glasses of water
- 2 bananas
- 1 Mandarin orange
- 2 scrambled eggs with cheese and pepper
- 1 toasted whole wheat English muffin with light peanut butter and light strawberry jam
- 2 cups tortilla chips with salsa
- 2 pieces of ham and cheese quiche
- 2 homemade cheese biscuits
- 3/4 cup fat free peach yogurt with 1 cup Rice Krispies cereal

- 30 minute walk


  1. I have never thought it was an experiment...speaking for me. I have thought that you might have gotten to a place where you had 'gone back to sleep' as it were. What i mean is...I remember getting out of the army and I was pregnant...and I was still a pretty good weight, about 145 lbs. And I was on my way to see my husband in massachussetts and I wasn't hungry, but I stopped and Got myself an ice cream cone and ate the whole thing because I could. I had that moment of disquiet while I was doing it...but I turned it off and didn't turn it back on for fifteen years. I was hoping that that WASN'T what you were doing. That by continuing to post your food you were still remaining awake and aware..but I was afraid that you would get to a point where you would numb yourself to what was going on and the list would no longer affect you. I am glad to see your food list shrink. good luck and best wishes to you.

  2. I was one who commented that this blog had taken on an unusual tone, Hitchcockian was the word I used, I believe. I think it is important to clarify that there is a big difference between the social dynamic on this blog versus any understanding of what you may be going through with the food.

    I totally understand what you've been going through with your eating, hell, I've been there more times than I care to remember. But that understanding has nothing to do with the odd dynamic that developed over the course of a few weeks on this blog where the commenters were trying to elicit a response from you and there was none.

    So the speculation developed and the blog took on a rather odd dynamic. This is not mean or insulting, it is in social psychology, to be expected. The entire social dynamic altered, people tried to work out why and from this end, it was baffling. I'm sure it's hard to see from your side where what you are writing about is your life but from this side, it was odd. And that had nothing to do with eating or judgement on how hard this food gig is.

    My comment had nothing to do with your eating or lack of understanding of ill-ordered eating. Nor was it making light, in any way, of the suffering that food can bring to those of us who are often at it's mercy.

    I think many people were truly baffled as to the shift in the social aspect of the blog and the interactive aspect and how poof! the interaction had just seemingly disappeared.

    It's important to distinguish the difference between personal attacks and confusion over a new social dynamic that had evolved.

    (That's not to say that there weren't personal attacks, because there were, but I am making reference to the "social experiment" comments which were, for the most part, merely a comment on the tone of this blog and not your personal journey and to which I believe you are making reference in this post.)

    Just wanted to clarify that.

    So, hey, you just keep doing better and keep fighting the fight.

  3. I was snarky, then thrilled you came back. If there is an obese or fat blogger that does not understand the struggles in this then tell them to Shut the F#$# up. Very proud to read your blog and get inspired from it. Let the haters come to me, I get inspired from their stupidity. Peace and thanks again for helping..

  4. I had no idea what you are going through, honestly I am glad to see you comment on it.
    I agree, we don't need to know the details of your personal life. Some people feel comfortable sharing those, some do not. But when your daily menu was all sugar, I was just looking for some kind of commentary from you that you knew you were in a difficult place.
    By the way, your food looks much better, and I truly wish you all the best.

  5. I think people were baffled that you weren't commenting on the comments...and that was for a long time. It was like you were ignoring your readers. That was out of character for you. The blog took on an odd feeling. The commentors trying to get your attention, you not responding. You are religious about posting your food. You were religious about weighing in... People don't want to give up on you. But, more importantly, they don't want YOU to give up on YOU. You represent success to US. We don't want you to fail.

  6. When your posts take such a drastic turn in tone & content and take on such a feeling of indifference, it's normal that people would try to make sense of it. Especially when they were the only ones doing the weren't responding to anyone's posts. We didn't see a gradual change; it was very sudden and very stark. It worried and confused your readers. It is not a criticism regarding your struggles. Anyone that has ever tried to lose weight knows of the struggles you're experiencing. But from the perspective of many here we saw you welcoming the support and comments when you were doing well. And when you began to struggle, you also began to ignore the comments. You stopped weighing in. For weeks and weeks you continued to receive concerned comments and you ignored them here. You could have said, "Thanks for the concern guys, but I can't respond right now." Instead you ignored everyone. That coupled with the odd tone your posts took, it's understandable from a social psychology perspective that people would begin to create theories because it's our nature to try to make sense of things.

    You find it insulting, and I get that. But it's also insulting to ignore the readers who have been here for you.

    I'm thrilled you are doing better. I find your blog very inspiring even in your struggles & I'll continue to read. But try to see the situation from another angle...your readers & your supporters.

    Tracie (who is posting anonymously, btw, for security purposes, not because I'm a coward.)

  7. Hey there,

    I've been a lurker here for some time. I read your struggles and see a reflection of my own. You inspire me because I know, for you, the struggle is real, the set-backs are real, and you are incredibly honest about it all. I for one tend to stop posting when in full on f*%k it mode.

    As for the comments, I have often been tempted to jump in the fray and tell the haters to suck it. But, I was raised with the whole, "if you can't say something nice, keep your trap shut" philosophy. Which I gather is the reason you chose to start ignoring comments when they took a turn toward the negative. It really doesn't take a PHD in Psychology to figure out.

    There are people in the world who think that by belittling and berating you they are helping, but if anything they are just making it worse. And you are under no obligation to explain yourself to us. This is hard.

    I think it all stems from the stigma that overweight has. What we over-eaters have is an eating disorder. It is no less a disorder than Anorexia or Bulimia. Our addiction to eating is as much an burden as cigarettes are to a smoker. (Trust me, it was much easier to quite smoking than it has been to lose weight for me)

    Yet when we have a relapse, we are met with snarky and snide comments and disgust. This would never be tolerated with another disorder. One would never be so harsh and condescending to an anorexic struggling with her recovery. One would never launch a personal attack on a smoker who picked up the habit again.

    Your worth, your value, your complete and total awesomeness is a factor completely independent of your eating disorder and your weight. Do not allow these people to ever make you feel otherwise. You will work this out, I can see you are already working this out. And you are worth it, you are worth the time and hard work to kick this beast. I know now that it will always be with us, lurking somewhere deep inside, chained into submission by our willpower, waiting for any opportunity to be unleashed. And there will be times it will get loose and we will have to wrangle it back into submission. You did it once already, so you know you can do it again.

    Good for you! I wish you much success!

  8. You may have taken my comments as insult although they were very carefully worded as to NOT insult but show how perplexed some of us were by what you were doing. I ran through all kinds of scenarios and the best I could come up with, finally, was that you lived or worked next to a bakery and made a daily run which then served as your meals for the day with the addition of an occasional Subway sandwich and your ice cream blend.

    Most of us could totally live that way if left to our own devices and health were not an issue. Diabetes runs in my family and I do not want to help that along. Next month I'll hit 63 and am trying, with the help of Weight Watchers,(lifetime member still struggling)to live my remaining time as healthy as possible.

    Good luck to you 266. You are obviously a very intelligent and caring person.

    We're truly hoping only for the best for you. I, for one, am very happy to have heard from you at last. Merry Christmas.

  9. This is all anyone every wanted ... you to respond. If it took snide and rude comments, then so be it. You finally replied! I know, for one, that you must feel ashamed, embarrassed or what have you because of your horrible eating habits following such a successful weight loss journey. How do I know that? I've been there ... more than once! You've finally spoken up. Now weigh in and post it. We are only here to support you. Remember, we've all been there. Otherwise, why the hell would we be reading weight loss blogs. We are looking for motivation and support. You don't need the motivation. Look at your video! You are an inspiration! It can be done and you will do it again but being honest with yourself if the first step. I'm sure you've weighed yourself. If you want our support, be honest with us. If you don't want our opinions and support, shut down your blog and deal with it all on your own.

    As far as your photos be digitally done (from a comment earlier) ... Absolutely possible. You do have the exact same clothes on, right down to the black bra. If they were done digitally, that's one thing, but your video truly does tell the story.

    Remember the feeling you had of pride and accomplishment when you ran for your country .... you can do it again. I truly believe that!


  10. 266-Amen.

    Everybody else, "normal" "social psychology" and "whatever it takes to elicit a response"? Really?

    There aren't virtual people on the other end of these words. There are real ones. I can't see that any such comments would do anything other than cause a retreat and withdrawal. No excuses for 266's food? No excuses for you. Please don't justify the emotional/verbal equivalent of overeating.

  11. Don't let the haters get to you, 266. You have your ups and downs, but then again, who doesn't? The difference between you and others is that you're brave enough to admit to your shortcomings and struggles. I think a lot of people have been critical of you lately because seeing you struggle scares them and makes them realize that the same thing could happen to them. And you know what? It most certainly can happen to them, so they're in no position to judge you harshly. I don't know you too well, but I have a feeling that you'll bounce back. I wish you the best.

  12. I've been away for a few days and just now catching up. Experiment??? Ummm...this is your LIFE. Did someone say you were experimenting by eating crap?? Do you need me to KICK SOME ASSES???? lol I'm here for ya' girl, as always. :)