I am up four pounds.
The streak is over.
Sometimes, I really hate how honest this blog keeps me. By nature, I think of myself as a very truthful individual anyhow; I never see much point in lying to others. However, having to write down exactly what went wrong and having the level of commitment that I do to being accountable on this website can be a really difficult thing to face when mistakes have been made. That being said, honesty is exactly what I need the most right now…
I weigh daily. It works for me and has generally been an excellent tool to help me stay focused and working towards my goals. It is not something that I intend to give up and – although it may have contributed to the pitfall which I faced yesterday – I know that it has helped me immensely on this journey and will continue to be a part of my success.
Yet this whole week saw me fluctuating between numbers that were all higher than last Saturday’s weight of 142. That is normal and I was not concerned about it… at first. Then when I stepped on the scale on Friday morning, with only twenty-four hours until my official weigh-in, and saw that I was still a whole pound up from last week I got a bit scared. I didn’t think that I would be able to drop that plus a bit more to record a loss for today. Still I kept on with the morning and afternoon sticking with my plan, knowing that forging ahead was the best course of action.
Then the evening came and, with it, a planned girl’s night. I even stripped down and stepped on the scale before I left. I know that I tend to see a decline of about two pounds when I sleep and was hoping to note a number below 144 to give me hope for my weigh-in; what I saw was 145.4.
That was pretty much it. At that moment I knew that I was going to see a gain this morning and the first thing that went through my head was, “go out and make sure there is a legitimate reason for it.” I argued with myself the whole time I was on my way to my friend’s house. I kept on reminding the disappointed voice in my head that I have come so far, that my losses are tapering off and that this is to be expected, and that a small increase didn’t need to be a gigantic one.
I even spoke with my husband – who is away all weekend – and explained my thoughts. I told him how scared I was that I was going to totally throw in the towel for the night to feel like I had a reason for the gain I was so sure was coming. He comforted me as best me could and broke it down rationally for me, essentially echoing all my logical arguments against such drastic and unnecessary action. He told me he loved me and was a great support. But, I think at that point I had already made up my mind.
I could have caused minimal damage had I stuck with the three drinks and Caesar salad which should have been the norm I defaulted to on such a night. But the temptation of the cheese, crackers, and desserts proved much too strong and my resolve far, far too weak.
And after I got home I was so completely immersed in the conversely elated and disgusted feelings of my binge that I kept eating. I managed to scrounge up the few treats that are in the house and quickly made my way through them. My stomach was hard, my tummy upset, and my heartbeat quickened from the dominance of sugar in what I had stuffed in my mouth. I felt like vomiting, but even that didn’t stop me from sampling the flavoured jelly beans I have stashed for an upcoming event.
It felt familiar and foreign all at once.
I have some great excuses for all this. I am just a couple of days away from my time of the month, I was drinking which I normally don’t do, my husband is away and I miss him terribly, I was caught up in socializing… None of the reasons I can give result in making what happened okay though.
What does make things alright is the fact that I am still here. I am not perfect. I messed up, but I haven’t given up. I had a (massive) gain and while I am far from happy about it, I can still learn from the experience and move on to have more successes in the future. What I have done does not dictate how I will do.
The streak is over. But my determination is everlasting.