Sunday, August 22, 2010


I had a not-so-proud moment intermixed with a really insightful one a few hours ago. I was out with my husband and asked him to go through the drive-thru of the fast food chain that has been taking my money in trade for their addictive ice cream blends of late. He obliged, but on the way made a comment along the lines of how he was surprised that I wanted something as we had only recently had supper. My reply?

“I’m not hungry, I just… would like it.”

I couldn’t even finish the sentence without faltering. I knew before the words were even completely out of my mouth that I had just unveiled a major problem.

I would love to report that I had the strength to reprimand myself into turning around and avoiding the treat. I wish I was able to write about how I stopped and made that moment into something different - something more inspiring. But, I can’t. I indulged. I own it.

What I will say is that it really was eye-opening. I am out all day tomorrow at a regatta and I have already packed a healthy lunch and snacks in preparation for it. I went for a long time while I was losing the weight eating mostly just to fuel myself. But somewhere along the way these past couple of months I have reverted to consuming things for the sake of comforting tastes, to get a sugar fix, and so that I am eating what I want as opposed to what I need. That must stop.

I know what I’m really hungry for.

- 11 glasses of water
- 2 slices whole wheat toast with light peanut butter and light strawberry jam
- 1 small mug hot chocolate
- 1 banana
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli turkey, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 cranberry almond multi-grain bar
- 1/4 cup sweet trail mix
- 3 pieces of a Rice Krispie treat square
- 3 bites grated cheese
- 2 cups macaroni and cheese with pepper
- 2 cups mint chocolate bar ice cream blend
- 1 1/2 cups fat free chocolate fudge brownie ice cream with butterscotch chips
- 1 mug decaffeinated tea with milk

- 20 minute walk


  1. Thanks for sharing that insight. I slipped Friday and kept falling Saturday - today is a new day and we start anew.

  2. Food with low glycemic index! That is my solution! Zero appetite all day long!!!

  3. I think the hardest challenge is to be aware of why, how and what we eat. Food is fuel, but it is so many other things too. My latest exercise is to ask my self if I really want a food 3 times. If it is still yes after 3, then I have it, if not, then I move on.


  4. So glad you've come to this conclusion. I have been impressed that you always report your sweets indulgences. And, you've maintained amazingly whilst consuming them. I'd be up at least 10-15 pounds eating those ice cream blends. So, your body is working it, you lucky girl! ;)

  5. Well, you've lost an ice cream truck full of weight since last year. Not likely that would have happened if you went out for ice cream with rediculous frequency.

    Do you tend to add any time or intensity to your work outs the day after an indulgence? I know my mind wants to tell me I have to after some eating that ought not to have occured. I try not to deviate from my exercise plan though even if I did stray a bit with food. Just get that exercise in, do it as well as I can, and go forward. No need to do something else to make up for bad eats.

  6. Wahoo for the ability to have a fresh start and a new day and clarity.

    Sometimes denial is an amazing thing, isn't it? How we can avert our eyes from the truth...and then, blamo, what has been quite apparent, is now apparent to us, too.

    I hate and love when that happens. You know?

    You have courage. No wonder you've done so well.


  7. Back in March I felt almost upset with envy because you were able to lose weight so steadily and rapidly, while eating more food and exercising less than I did. Sigh. You had some very comforting words for me back then, in response to my whining here. You were thoughtful and kind and sweet. I was grateful.

    Still, I felt a little resentful, not towards you as a person, actually, but towards your youth...your youth, which represents a youthful body and many more years of life, perhaps. I got over it. Thank goodness.

    We all have our own vulnerabilities and challenges, our own strengths and weaknesses. Since then I have lost 40 more lbs. Very slowly, with several annoying plateaus. Recently I found myself envying your ability to eat so much (and so many treats!), with very few consequences. I promise I'm not as shallow as all this sounds. What I finally realized is that I'm resentful towards myself for gaining back all the weight I had lost on one of my diets, when I was your age. I did it gradually...somewhat more insidious because it made it so much easier for me to be dishonest with myself about the consequences of my actions. It took me four years, if I recall, to regain the 115 lbs that time. But regain it all I did. Plus more. Sigh. Even though I *thought* I was doing *pretty good*, considering all the stress in my life, etc. In reality, I was like a small child, testing to see just how much I could get away with, without getting *caught*.

    I didn't realize that the only one who could *catch* me was myself.

    I guess I'm trying to say that this is your defining moment. The time to get completely honest with yourself is now. There may be many more chances in the weeks ahead to face what is happening, reevaluate, and turn things around. But, there might not be. There comes a point where returning to past eating habits is like a snowball rolling down a hill. The longer those habits continue, the harder it is to stop the momentum.

    Yet it sounds like that is exactly what you are doing.

    I hope you will keep doing whatever it takes to nurture and care for yourself, to put your health needs first, before everything else. All my best wishes to you.

    An anonymous fan and grateful admirer

  8. Dear Inspiring Person:
    I have just put up a blog today -- day one
    of returning to a path of weight loss and
    eating right -- after gaining back 25 lbs of a
    85 lbs weight loss. I just let my blood sugar
    issues get in control. Your comment-person who said low glycemic foods was not kidding. My 25 lb. slide began with ice cream and then bites of this and that -- and not being faithful to the science of weight loss and blood sugar swings which cause binges and hunger. So I am
    starting back to where I began -- with a lovely relationship with nourishing foods. Sweet trail mix, ice cream, rice Krispy treats,
    and all of thoe things -- and anything with
    high fructose corn syrup in it turns me into
    a food drunk. It takes me a few days to detox from that eating which always creeps up on me
    and to eat the high nutrition, low carb, low
    glycemic foods that keep me from being hungry or ever wanting to binge. I am going to be doing Day 2 tomorrow. I invite you to join me tomorrow in a perfect day of perfect and delicious and nutitious foods. No juices, no
    sweets of any kind, but lots of whole grains
    and good things that make us feel sane and whole and in control of our destinies. I love your blog and your anniversary video. I have played it over and over,

  9. Thanks, all.

    V-Time, that must be very hard to deal with...

    Dawne, I am proud that I have continued reporting it too; it's hard to admit to some stuff, but very necessary for this journey, I think. (And don't forget, I am up about that much from my lowest weight, so the consequences are very real!)

    No, Patrick, I agree. My exercise does not really change in response to what I have eaten. When I am really on plan though (not lately), I try to make small changes in my diet BEFORE an indulgence to make up for whatever I know I will treat myself to.

    Anonymous, I don't think you sound shallow at all - I think you sound thoughtful and compassionate. Thank you for taking the time to write this. I really mean it. I have printed off your words here and tacked them to my wall as a reminder to myself for the next little while. I know good advice when I see it.

    Virginia, thank you too for your considerate remarks. I am proud of how I did today. I hope we both have success as we continue down this path.

  10. It's hard to deal with one thought that I have wasted most of my life, effort, and tons of money following other painful diets...

  11. But now you know. That's something you can move forward with. :)