I have been all out of sorts today.
I have not been in a bad mood. In fact, I got to spend time with a family friend whom I haven't seen in quite a while and we had a very pleasant visit. I can not, however, say that I've been in a really great mood either. I have had a lot of different things - thoughts, emotions, and plans - running through my head all day. It's been so hectic up in that skull of mine that it has distracted me from getting much of anything accomplished today. That in itself bothers me and then I get into my head about that too. It's been a bit of a vicious circle, despite the fact that I've had a smile on my face throughout most of it - or at the very least, the notable absence of a frown.
Another viscous circle that I am too familiar with reared its ugly head this afternoon as well. The whole anxiety equals eating and eating equals anxiety problem popped up in disturbingly good form. I'm not proud. It wasn't like it used to be, but the sweet intake was higher than I have allowed lately (and I know that I have been letting far too much into my diet as it is).
Knowing that tomorrow is the anniversary of this journey has really messed me up these past few days. I have these expectations and feel like I am falling short. So then I sabotage myself to alleviate some of the pressure. I think my subconscious would rather feel like I missed my goals by a long shot rather than just barely. Kind of like placing tenth doesn't hurt quite so much as placing second. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but just the process of thinking it through is probably better than not. If I'm going to mess up I at least want to understand why so that I can try and prepare better for any future problems. I don't want to go back to the voluntary ignorance that helped lead me to obesity in the first place.
And now I feel like this post is getting heavier than I intended. I am not feeling as devastated as I suspect these paragraphs are making me sound. There is some sadness, but also other more positive feelings too. Like I said, I have just been all out of sorts.
So here is what I'm going to do: I am going to get off the computer once I have posted this. I'm going to walk over to my dresser and pull out my self-preservation kit and I am going to open it up and use it. I will search through the contents of that small container and find items stashed away for the sole purpose of helping me stay grounded. I will pull out the tiny bottle of ice wine and the favourite chocolate bar and I will partake in both. I will look at the photographs and smile broadly. I will even pull out my favourite decorative candle holder and light every wick that it holds, play songs which mean something special to me during times of transition and challenge, and perhaps even stroll outside casting my glance skyward in the hopes of glimpsing one of the meteors streaking through the atmosphere this evening. I'll even let myself cry if I need to...
I am going to do something important and necessary.
I am going to take care of me.
FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 9 glasses of water
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, garden lettuce, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 3/4 cup fat free field berry yogurt with 1 cup wheat flake cereal
- 12 crackers with 2 wedges of Laughing Cow garlic and herb cheese
- 3 1/2 pieces of a blond brownie bar
- 3/4 cup homemade fruit sorbet
- 3/4 cup fat free strawberry cherry yogurt with 1 cup high fiber whole grain cereal
- 3 bites of homemade lavender shortbread cookie dough
- 11 homemade lavender shortbread cookies
- 2 bites of grated cheese
- 1 cup roasted potatoes with margarine
- 3 homemade chive and cheese biscuits with margarine
- 1/2 cup organic steak
- 1/2 cup pan-fried mushrooms
- 1/2 cob of corn with margarine
- 1 mug chai tea with honey and milk
- 1 small glass ice wine
- 1 orange cream chocolate bar
- 10 squats