Wednesday, August 11, 2010


I have been all out of sorts today.

I have not been in a bad mood. In fact, I got to spend time with a family friend whom I haven't seen in quite a while and we had a very pleasant visit. I can not, however, say that I've been in a really great mood either. I have had a lot of different things - thoughts, emotions, and plans - running through my head all day. It's been so hectic up in that skull of mine that it has distracted me from getting much of anything accomplished today. That in itself bothers me and then I get into my head about that too. It's been a bit of a vicious circle, despite the fact that I've had a smile on my face throughout most of it - or at the very least, the notable absence of a frown.

Another viscous circle that I am too familiar with reared its ugly head this afternoon as well. The whole anxiety equals eating and eating equals anxiety problem popped up in disturbingly good form. I'm not proud. It wasn't like it used to be, but the sweet intake was higher than I have allowed lately (and I know that I have been letting far too much into my diet as it is).

Knowing that tomorrow is the anniversary of this journey has really messed me up these past few days. I have these expectations and feel like I am falling short. So then I sabotage myself to alleviate some of the pressure. I think my subconscious would rather feel like I missed my goals by a long shot rather than just barely. Kind of like placing tenth doesn't hurt quite so much as placing second. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but just the process of thinking it through is probably better than not. If I'm going to mess up I at least want to understand why so that I can try and prepare better for any future problems. I don't want to go back to the voluntary ignorance that helped lead me to obesity in the first place.

And now I feel like this post is getting heavier than I intended. I am not feeling as devastated as I suspect these paragraphs are making me sound. There is some sadness, but also other more positive feelings too. Like I said, I have just been all out of sorts.

So here is what I'm going to do: I am going to get off the computer once I have posted this. I'm going to walk over to my dresser and pull out my self-preservation kit and I am going to open it up and use it. I will search through the contents of that small container and find items stashed away for the sole purpose of helping me stay grounded. I will pull out the tiny bottle of ice wine and the favourite chocolate bar and I will partake in both. I will look at the photographs and smile broadly. I will even pull out my favourite decorative candle holder and light every wick that it holds, play songs which mean something special to me during times of transition and challenge, and perhaps even stroll outside casting my glance skyward in the hopes of glimpsing one of the meteors streaking through the atmosphere this evening. I'll even let myself cry if I need to...

I am going to do something important and necessary.

I am going to take care of me.

- 9 glasses of water
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, garden lettuce, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 3/4 cup fat free field berry yogurt with 1 cup wheat flake cereal
- 12 crackers with 2 wedges of Laughing Cow garlic and herb cheese
- 3 1/2 pieces of a blond brownie bar
- 3/4 cup homemade fruit sorbet
- 3/4 cup fat free strawberry cherry yogurt with 1 cup high fiber whole grain cereal
- 3 bites of homemade lavender shortbread cookie dough
- 11 homemade lavender shortbread cookies
- 2 bites of grated cheese
- 1 cup roasted potatoes with margarine
- 3 homemade chive and cheese biscuits with margarine
- 1/2 cup organic steak
- 1/2 cup pan-fried mushrooms
- 1/2 cob of corn with margarine
- 1 mug chai tea with honey and milk
- 1 small glass ice wine
- 1 orange cream chocolate bar

- 10 squats


  1. woman I am with you.
    different reasons
    yanked out my personal first aid kit this morning too.
    and it's only 5 am!

    xo xo


  2. Wow..."voluntary ignorance"....what a fantastically spot-on phrase to describe how we got obese in the first place. Bravo for doing the work over this last year to fully understand your issues and the work to reverse the problem. I'm sorry you're feeling out of sorts, but I have to say I'm glad you're still bringing it to the blog and releasing it here. It's good to have this record so that you can learn from it as you said, and do things differently as you move forward. And you will move forward. Why? Because backwards is not an option. :) You know where you came from...and you know you don't want to return there. This is're going to be okay girl. Things are constantly changing. This out of sorts feeling will, too. You just hang in there and do the best you can do...brighter days are ahead. I'm praying you feel the sunshine on your sweet face very soon. :)

  3. Success is scary. By anyone's definition you've succeeded and succeeded in a big way but how we define success means nothing. It's all about in the goals that you set for yourself. I admire you for blogging in spite of the fact that you're not happy with your habits as of late. Can't tell you how big that is. I just bail from my blog when I'm effing up!

    You've absolutely encouraged me. We started our journey at the same time and I've come and a gone a few times. Your steadfastness and perseverance is awe-inspiring. This may be the one year anniversary of your weight loss journey but this is a lifetime deal. If you're not where you want to be, keep going. And if past performance is the greatest indication of success, you'll be just fine!

  4. I do the same thing...and although I'm struggling to find out the WHY I do it, I suppose that at least I'm aware that I am doing it.

    I like the idea of a personal first aid kit though - for the last 30 years mine has just had food in it.

    In fact, I may post about this too - because you've really got me thinking.

    Thanks :)

  5. I'm with you on just missing a goal. I have been working toward losing 60 pounds from 1/10/10 to 9/1/10. I'm about 15 pounds away. Unless there is a miracle, and that could still happen, I'm not going to make it. My plan is to keep focused and push through. And on 9/1/10 I setting a new goal for Christmas! (I honestly did not think I would make it this far, so I'm pretty happy!!) Hugs!

  6. You have come so far and have so much to be proud of! I think your self preservation kit sounds well deserved tonight!!

  7. Fantastic understanding of the journey. It's like we're afraid of success, eh? I know exactly what you mean regarding approaching your one year anniversary, but remember - you reached your initial goal, long before the year anniversary! You are amazing!

  8. I had never read your posts about the self preservation kit. I love that idea. I plan to make one too. So, thank Miz for me too.

    I know today(!) is your anniversary. I read through a few of your older posts (I am newer to your blog). I am so VERY impressed by your sheer determination and what you have accomplished in one year. Try, Try, Try to be good to yourself and not too hard on your self for the AMAZING accomplishment that you have had in getting healthier this past 365 days. I have said this before in comments: your pictures tell a vivid story of your success. Wow. Your rock!!! Michele

  9. I missed reading most of these comments until just now! Wow! I'm so glad I came back and checked them! You are all so inspriational and it means the world to me that you take the time to remark on what I write.

    The self-preservation kit was EXACTLY what I needed and it was the inspiration behind the photo video I made for my anniversary. I'm SO glad I decided to take care of me! :)

  10. Just came across your blog and wow. It's very inspiring - in particular the weight loss pics in your sidebar! You've done amazingly well, congratulations!