I am up about a pound and a half from yesterday morning because of the food choices I made throughout my afternoon and evening downtown. The problem isn’t necessarily the decisions I made, but the fact that I don’t feel all that bad about them.
I tried. I mean I really put in a significant amount of effort into finding healthier options for the things that I was to eat prior to caving and actually consuming what I did. I fully admit that there are a few things I could have done better – aren’t there always – but, nevertheless, I stand by the fact that I really did genuinely try to choose more healthily than I ultimately did.
There are two parts to this little tale. First, when we were enjoying the sights of the city, I had a very intense craving come on just after lunch for dessert. I initially tried to ignore it; I thought that I could trick myself into forgetting about the sweetness I so wanted, but it just wouldn’t go away. So I informed my husband that I wanted to make a good choice about what type of dessert I would have rather than just flying off the handle and fully giving in to any ultra-gooey, -sugary, -fatty treat my mind could concoct. He understood and so we set off to find something that fit the bill.
We went into pretty much every single shop that sold desserts all up and down the main shopping strip, looked all through the mall, and even got in the car and drove out of the city centre to three different known dessert stores in an attempt to find a reduced fat or reduced calorie option. We spent over and hour and a half at this endeavor. Nothing. Nothing! Can you believe it!? I was so incredibly frustrated! I actually remember turning to my man at one point and questioning why the majority of society sees fit to tell people that they need to be slender to be deemed attractive, yet makes it so difficult to find a healthy alternative to sweet indulgences. I was utterly blown away by the impossibility of finding just a single substitute.
So, I went with the key lime cheesecake. Yup. I could have decided not to have anything, but I was afraid that would lead to a worse binge later on. I could have just had half the slice rather than devouring the whole thing, yet I kept bringing that fork up to my mouth. I probably could have even found a slightly better option than that particular dessert at the establishment I finally caved at, but the key lime flavour is one of my favorites and very hard to find and by that point I was so fed up with the situation that justifications kicked in resulting in the ultimate choice.
The other story from yesterday’s eating isn’t quite as exciting, but it is along the same lines. At the end of the night we met up with a group of friends and my brother and decided to go out to eat. I didn’t foresee any issues since I had not yet had dinner and I was confident that I could find a healthy option at whatever restaurant we went to. Can you see where this is going? I looked over that menu at least six times trying to find something that wasn’t deep fried, covered in sauce, or overflowing with the noodles I knew I couldn’t resist. Again, there was nothing. I opted for the healthiest item I could find: skewered chicken satay with peanut sauce on the side.
It was delicious, but I know the fat and sodium content was probably pretty astronomical. Yes, I could have portioned it out and eaten less, but by that point I was feeling the emotional toil of having put so much effort towards discovering better alternatives to no avail. You know, I should just face the facts: I wanted to eat it all so I did. Also, at the end of the meal the extremely friendly owner of the venue came over and generously poured each of us a shot of Grand Marnier. Of course I drank mine. It was a decision made in the moment, and if I regret it in the future so be it, yet I enjoyed the few seconds of shared jubilation brought on by the hospitality of the kind restaurant proprietor.
So, I wasn’t overly proud of what I consumed, but I also can’t really seem to beat myself up about it too much. I do feel like I put in more effort than I ever would have in the past to find the healthier options but they just weren’t available yesterday. Maybe it’s more justification, but if it is I think I am fine with that too. This is for life; it’s not a diet and it’s not about deprivation. Sometimes, life offers you cheesecake, and once in a while it hands you the fork too.