No Energy

None. Zip. Zilch. I need to recharge. Operating on half the sleep I need is not working out.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 3 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 apple fritter
- 1 pumpkin spice steamed soy milk
- 1 sip grape juice
- 1 sip apple-orange juice
- 1 glass chocolate peanut butter ice blended drink
- 1 sandwich on a baguette with deli turkey, cheese, lettuce, and herb mayonnaise
- 1 1/2 cups butter toffee and peanut flake chocolate bar ice cream blend
- 8 cheese crackers
- 1 homemade juice popsicle with 3 natural fruit gummy candies
- 1/2 cinnamon bun with icing

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

I Love My Zzzzzzzzzz…

I am so tired, but even now I still have something that I need to be working on. It’s a good thing that I love my life as much as I do, or I might be feeling overwhelmed otherwise! As it is, I know that I am incredibly lucky to enjoy what I do with the majority of my time, even if it does often leave me exhausted. So many projects; so little time!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 7 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 4 caramel rice cakes
- 1 pear
- 2 miniature chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing and sprinkles
- 3/4 cup mixed berry yogurt
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 1/2 cups pecan, chocolate, and caramel ice cream blend
- 1 sip apple juice
- 1 bite grapefruit
- 1 pita pocket with eggplant baba ghanouj dip
- 7 gummy candies
- 1 fish burger on a white hamburger bun with cheese, lettuce, and mayonnaise
- 3/4 cup French fries with honey mustard sauce and salt
- 2 cups mint chocolate bar ice cream blend
- 1/4 cup natural fruit gummy candies

EXERCISE:
- 15 minute walk

Soup’s Up

I honestly don’t have a lot to say about today. Nothing significant really happened. I tried Vietnamese soup for the first time and I really enjoyed that. I suppose that’s a minor testament to the fact that my tastes are still developing, and it makes me glad that I am generally more willing to try different foods than I used to be. I think that’s a result of this journey: being open to liking a wider variety of cuisine. Yeah, like I said, not much to write about tonight…

And in a totally-unrelated-to-weight-loss-in-any-way side note: for anyone wanting a chance to win a free youth novel, all you need to do to enter is pop by the website of the publishing company I write my column for and leave a comment on the post titled Prized Friendships! It's open to anyone living in Canada or the United States. Good luck!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 5 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 cranberry lemon scone with icing
- 3/4 cup fat free strawberry yogurt
- 1/2 mug Chinese tea
- 3 cups beef and rice noodle soup with basil, sprouts, and lime juice
- 1 spring roll with plum sauce
- 1 pumpkin spice steamed soy milk
- 1 apple fritter
- 1/3 lemon poppy seed muffin with margarine
- 8 cheese flavoured rice crackers with cream cheese
- 1 pumpkin scone with icing
- 1/4 mug of toffee mocha steamed skim milk
- 1 bite of a glazed chocolate doughnut
- 1 mug coconut steamed soy milk
- 1 piece of a coconut lemon square
- 2 cups macaroni and cheese with sausages and pepper

EXERCISE:
- 50 minutes of rowing a dragon boat

I Got Yelled At Today

This evening, I was walking through a department store, looking at Halloween costumes when my eye started to wander to the seasonal bags of candy and chips and other goodies. I thought, “I can just get one bag. What’s the harm?” Then I decided, no, I can buy something, but there is no reason to purchase a whole bag. So I started to look at the normal displays of chocolate bars and caramels and typical sugary temptations. That’s when my cravings went into overload. I suddenly wanted one of everything and quickly started to make a shortlist of the few things I would get so that I could go home, relax, and partake in all the treats.

Then, from out of nowhere I heard a voice absolutely screaming at me to get out! “What are you doing? Go away!” it yelled, and I obeyed without a second thought. “Start moving! Don’t look back! One foot in front of the other! Keep your head down and keep on going!” I was startled, but I did what the voice was telling me to. How could I not given that it was coming from inside my own head?

On top of that I faced a minor conflict a little later on. My inclination to reach for my running shoes instead of a pastry surprised me, but I went with it. Who am I to argue when my conscience is treating me right?

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 7 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 3/4 cup fat free strawberry yogurt
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 2 grilled cheese sandwiches on whole wheat bread with margarine
- 1 cup peach yogurt
- 1/2 banana strawberry frozen yogurt tube
- 1 slice of a vanilla cream roll log
- 6 inch sub on an Italian herbs and cheese bun with deli ham, deli turkey, bacon, cheese, lettuce, tomato, black olives, onion, green pepper, light mayonnaise, honey mustard, and pepper
- 1/2 glass root beer
- 1 white chocolate and macadamia nut cookie
- 1 glazed doughnut
- 1 pumpkin spice steamed soy milk

EXERCISE:
- 30 minutes of jogging with a 5 minute walking warm up and a 5 minute walking cool down

What A Difference Five Pounds Makes

I was chatting with a woman a couple of days ago about my weight loss journey and I was telling her that I have been struggling lately. I expressed to her that I have heard from a number of people that quite often when someone loses a significant amount of weight that they experience a gain around the time that they reach goal because it is just as hard – if not harder in some ways – to maintain as it is to lose.

She asked, “but you’re still in that five pound range or so, right?” And I responded with, “well, it’s more like ten, but it’s still okay.”

There are two problems with that interchange.

Firstly, my defenses went up, mildly but immediately, upon her inquiry. Now I don’t know this person well, but she appears to be a really nice woman and I have no doubt that she was simply carrying on her end of the conversation. Yet because I have had such a hard time lately I viewed her question as warranting a qualifier: “…but it’s still okay.” I guess I felt like responding that I had gained back ten or so pounds meant that she would think it wasn’t ‘okay’. Or, perhaps, I know that it really isn’t and I was trying to convince myself of otherwise.

Secondly, I lied! Me! I think of myself as a very, very honest person. My husband would probably say that I am such to a fault. But the truth is that I have gained back closer to fifteen pounds than ten; and I knew it when I was talking to her. Why did I do that?!

I guess I am scared that people will view any deviation from the healthier lifestyle I worked so hard at creating as failure. I feel sometimes like I have created a very specific image for myself in all that I have done over the last thirteen months. I have always been the type of person who achieves things that other people think of as impossible, but when there is visual, in your face evidence like a more than one hundred pound loss it becomes a different type of proof. And with that comes expectations.

With great power comes great responsibility, and so on, and so forth…

I have always put more pressure on myself than others; and I know that a lot of what I feel are the expectations of family and friends are probably no more than my own imaginings. However, people do look at me differently now and I sometimes feel like a bit of a pedestal has been created regarding my weight loss accomplishments.

And it’s a long way down.

So for that reason and due to whatever other odd malfunctions occurred in my brain in the split second that it took for me to respond to the woman’s question I decided to lie. I told her ten when I knew the truth was fifteen. I don’t want to be that person! I do not want to lie and I certainly do not want to revert to a state where I am uncomfortable with what I weigh. For the past year I have proudly announced to anyone who asked exactly what my weight was because I have been so pleased with my progress. That’s where I want to be again.

I just need to figure out how to get there.

And I need to beware of falling as I find my way.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 4 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 3/4 cup fat free strawberry yogurt with 1 cup Multigrains cereal
- 1 mug pumpkin spice steamed soy milk
- 1 sandwich on sunflower bread with deli turkey, cheese, lettuce, and Dijon mustard
- 1 pumpkin scone with icing
- 1/4 cup almonds glazed with cranberries, honey, and sea salt
- 1 glass root beer
- 2 cups butterscotch and peanut butter chocolate bar ice cream blend
- 12 rosemary and olive oil whole grain crackers with garlic and herb soft cheese
- 2 cups apple cinnamon flavoured corn, wheat, and oat cereal with 3/4 cup milk

EXERCISE:
- 1 hour and 15 minutes of rowing a dragon boat
- 30 minute walk

The Motherload

A very short while after I wrote about my weigh in today – about how proud I am of this week’s loss – my mom told me that the shorts that I was wearing looked tight. Now I love my mom, and ultimately appreciate the honesty, but still… I have to admit that it really hurt to hear.

I changed. Pretty much the second I had the opportunity to, I slipped into a pair of jeans. The problem though is that she is right. I was just saying to my husband that my clothes are fitting tighter, and after that exchange with my mom this afternoon I told him that I really only have a single pair of pants (the ones I had changed into) that I feel completely confident in wearing right now.

A little while ago I even thought about pulling out some of the bigger sizes that I had packed away a few months back. At least then I wouldn’t struggle to find something to wear in the mornings. But, for pride or foolhardiness or obstination I did not decide to go that route. Instead, I have been wearing what I have and just making it work with slightly looser and longer shirts to hide the muffin top that has been poking over my pants.

I just realized that I am not sure to what end I am writing about this. To complain about my mother’s comment; to confess about my ill-fitting clothing; to challenge my own conceptions… Regardless, I felt like I should journal about this, so here it is. It’s just one more entry in a long series of semi-related posts in the world of a woman doing her best to gain insights as she loses inches.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 6 glasses of water
- 4 cups apple cinnamon flavoured corn, wheat, and oat cereal with 1 1/2 cups milk
- 3/4 cup fat free peach yogurt with 1 cup wheat and oat multi-grain cereal
- 1 mug decaffeinated tea with milk
- 1 glass iced tea
- 2 cups spaghetti with meat sauce
- 1 cup meatballs
- 2 slices homemade bread with butter
- 1 cup Caesar salad with Parmesan cheese and croutons
- 1 1/2 pieces homemade cinnamon loaf
- 2 1/2 cups popcorn with butter
- 1 eggnog shortbread cookie
- 3/4 large hazelnut tart
- 2 cups mint chocolate bar ice cream blend

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

Weigh-In For Week 59

I am down about a pound and a half this week. It may not seem like much compared to how I have been able to drop weight in the past, but I am actually thrilled! I saw a couple of scary numbers on the scale over the past seven days so 156.8 is a bigger improvement than the difference it implies. Now I just need to keep chipping away at this healthy living and continue making little improvements. It’s not about being perfect – it’s just about doing better than before.

Focusing On Something Different

It has been one very long day. But, it was productive and I feel like the efforts I have been putting forth in my life did pay off a little this afternoon. All in all I think being as busy as I was today helped a bit with the normal cravings I have been having lately. I guess I had so much on the go that my brain had a chance to focus on other things. I still haven’t been able to get through a day in quite a while without consuming some sweets (as always, the temptation to write something along the lines of “…quite a while without some sweets sneaking in” is strong, but I always try to remember to word things in a way that ensures that I am taking responsibility for my actions). However, I am perfectly willing to find and rejoice in whatever small victories I can right now. All in all I would say the day was a bit of an improvement.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 8 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 pumpkin spice soy steamed milk
- 1 apple fritter
- 4 bites of a cinnamon bun with icing
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 6 crackers with cream cheese
- 1 root beer milkshake
- 7 perogies with sour cream, bacon pieces, and onion

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

Listing

I have been out of the house since 7:30am and I just walked in the door. I may fall over! I am feeling kind of punchy, but I know that I need to get to sleep right away because Friday will be yet another long day (although, thankfully, it promises to be a bit shorter than this one).

Unfortunately, because I was in a hurry to try and get home I left behind the record of what I ate today. So, I am going to have to post it tomorrow night since there is no way my sleep-deprived memory is currently adequate enough to recall everything that I consumed. You know, I bet the reason I forgot my list is because it wasn’t on my list of things to remember!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 6 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 3/4 cup fat free cherry yogurt
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 pumpkin spice soy steamed milk
- 1 apple fritter
- 4 bites pumpkin pie with whipped cream
- 1 banana muffin with margarine
- 1 apple cinnamon cereal bar
- 2 cups mint chocolate bar ice cream

EXERCISE:
- 15 minute walk

What Good Am I Doing?

I feel disgusted with myself. Once again – for the second time this week – I let the ‘treats’ get utterly out of hand.

I have to say that lately I have been wondering if I am doing anything right. I feel like I take one tiny step forward and slide two huge steps back. At this point I often ponder if I am doing anything at all to really help myself with this weight loss / maintenance thing. And I question if, by writing about my struggles, I am doing more damage than good to those people who choose to read this journal.

It is so tempting to do any number of things to alleviate this pressure... I could lie. I could say that I am doing well and put false information on here. Nobody apart from me would know the truth. I could also make the decision to stop putting up my food list. That would mean I didn’t have to look at an inventory of all the junk I have consumed day after day and that I wouldn’t know that people are likely out there judging (and, in a way, rightly so) my poor choices. I could also just shut down this site. There isn’t really a way for anyone to contact me if I don’t want them to since the only person I know in ‘real’ life is my husband, so I could easily just slip into cyberspace oblivion without anyone to answer to.

It’s tempting.

But it won’t do me any good. It won’t serve any of the people who come here looking for something. And it certainly won’t make the problems I am having on this journey go away.

I have never been anything but honest on here. There are a few things I choose not to write about that happen in my personal life, which may have some bearing on this journey, but I even try to account for those happenings in a less detailed manner when I post. I am proud of the fact that I have created a space where I make myself let it all hang out. It is definitely not always easy to type out the words, but I do it.

It was simple to come back to this journal day after day when I was losing weight consistently and having minimal difficulties with sticking with my plan. This is a lot harder. However – and this is one of the keys, I think, to me having long term success – it is necessary. I may have to force myself to return here at times, and the truthfulness of my entries may occasionally cause me some distress and embarrassment, but I know there is a point to all of this. And I know that the alternative is a much, much darker place.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 8 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 spritz cookie with sprinkles
- 1 tiger brownie with icing
- 1 sandwich on baguette with deli turkey, cheese, lettuce, and herb butter
- 1 sponge bun
- 1 apple
- 1 piece of carrot cake with icing
- 1 caramel macaroon
- 2 cups pasta with buffalo meatballs, tomato sauce, and grated cheese
- 1 piece of garlic bread

EXERCISE:
- 20 minute walk

Small Victories

At the end of a very, very long day I turned down chocolate cake. It’s a start.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 6 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 pear
- 1 cranberry almond multi-grain bar
- 1 strawberry cereal bar
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 berry frozen yogurt tube
- 1 toasted English muffin with cheese
- 2 apples
- 1 pumpkin spice steamed soy milk
- 1 pumpkin scone
- 2 cups macaroni and cheese with pepper
- 2 pieces of bacon

EXERCISE:
- 1 hour of rowing a dragon boat

Bitter Sweet

I am feeling frustrated right now. I had thought that I was not doing too badly on the eating front today, but looking over my list it’s really quite bad. I can not believe that I let so much slip in that I shouldn’t have eaten. It’s all full of refined sugar too, which I know has been proving to be an ongoing battle for me.

I need to work on this. One of my biggest problems lately has been just giving in to whatever food I want. I think it came from me not wanting to feel deprived – and that really worked for me for the majority of this journey – but now that helpful tool has morphed into a guideline that is being abused. If I want a food I must remember that I can have it, but that I don’t actually need to.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 7 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 breakfast croissant with deli ham, egg, cheese, and lettuce
- 1 slice black forest cake with chocolate shavings, whipped cream, and a maraschino cherry
- 17 marshmallow peeps
- 9 cheese crackers
- 2 pork chops
- 1/2 cup pan-fired mushrooms with soy sauce
- 1 baked potato with margarine and sour cream
- 1/2 orange cinnamon bun with icing
- 1 cup heavenly hash ice cream
- 3/4 cup low fat orange yogurt with 1 cup honey almond wheat flake cereal

EXERCISE:
- 15 minute walk

Flirting With Disaster

I think I was flirted with today. A guy struck up a conversation with me about dragon boating and he commented that it must require being in great shape. He continued on to say that he could stand to lose a bit of weight and I told him that I had lost about a hundred pounds this year. He was shocked but then remarked that it must be nice that now I am turning heads.

When I told my (wonderful, understanding, and very much loved) husband about this encounter, I expressed to him that it was different from other such experiences that I have had because the guy was very classically attractive and had an air of awareness of that detail. While I have been pursued by and dated good looking men – and obviously married the best one – none of them had that cookie-cutter movie star quality that the guy today had, and I have to admit that it threw me off a bit. I am not sure why he decided to talk to me.

The obvious answers are all there, of course. I know that I am healthier, thinner, and probably more attractive to the opposite sex than I was before. But what I mean is that it’s hard for me to comprehend why that equates to being more worthy of approaching. Why is it that I am being noticed and accepted in entirely different ways and, in some cases, by entirely different groups of people than I was before? Today was my first encounter with it coming through in the form of flirting, but I have noticed it in other ways. I have seen my opinion listened to more readily by those who are discussing health; I have found many individuals to be more courteous and accommodating when speaking with me face to face; I have felt much more welcomed and accepted in environments where fitness is a focus.

The whole thing is rather bizarre to me, but fascinating at the same time. A lot goes through my head in those types of situations. All at once I am enjoying such benefits, wondering at the motivations of people who put a lot of stock in outward appearances, philosophizing about whether I also engage in similar actions, remembering what it was like to feel left out in previous circumstances, feeling bad about how those who are still excluded must be coping, and trying to come to terms with the guilt of liking the superficial perks of having lost such a large amount of weight.

As far as the man from today went, I actually removed myself from that situation before too long. All of those things started bouncing around in my head when I realized that he was flirting. I was flattered and couldn’t help but enjoy the moment, but I was also very disillusioned by all the issues it brought up for me.

I know that I have am prone to over analyzing things, but it’s hard not to look at such encounters from my unique perspective. We are the accumulation of our experiences and my particular experience of being morbidly obese and – one year later – of being a normal sized woman greatly colours what I do, think, and feel.

I actually feel kind of bad for the man. He was just trying to meet someone, but I was treating the whole thing as a social research project and taking mental notes to share with my hubby!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 9 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 cranberry almond multi-grain bar
- 1 pumpkin spice steamed soy milk
- 1 breakfast sandwich on a white bun with turkey bacon, egg white, cheese, and margarine
- 1 pumpkin scone with icing
- 1/2 cup fat free lemon chiffon yogurt with 1 cup granola cereal
- 4 slices garlic bread with Parmesan cheese
- 3 pieces of cinnamon French toast with maple syrup
- 3/4 cup ranch crackers
- 1 1/2 cups heavenly hash ice cream with butterscotch chips and sprinkles

EXERCISE:
- 45 minutes of rowing a dragon boat
- 45 minute walk

It’s A Small World

I bought clothes today. I didn’t get anything really exciting – a few tops, some socks and underwear, and a winter jacket – but I had an amazing time shopping. Everything fit. Everything!

And all of the clothes that I ended up purchasing were smalls except for one medium top. Granted, I was shopping in the bigger department stores and I always find that they are more generous with their sizing than at many of the other shops, but it still felt great to be able to pull on items while not even entertaining the thought of trying a large, extra large, or one of the many bigger sizes that I wore for so many years.

I have been struggling for a long time now and slowly putting back on some of the weight that I lost. It has not been so much that I have been extremely worried, although I certainly have my moments, but I have still endeavored to keep it in check and to be very cognizant of what my weight is doing. I know that having gone through such drastic changes over the last year that I was probably due for a bit of a backslide and – more accurately – an adjustment period to being so much lighter and healthier.

But, after going shopping today I am reminded of all that I have worked for. I doubt that I will ever be able to walk into a store and buy a small or medium shirt or pair of pants and not experience an internal celebration of some sort. I have worked too hard and gone through too much to ever forget about how far I am from where I was. And I don’t want to lose that.

I was walking though a parking lot with my husband this afternoon too and I noticed our shadows and I felt a huge smile break across my face. I like seeing our bodies silhouetted on the ground like that now. Before I used to hate that type of a reflection because it was too easy to note the way my shape was so much larger than his and to see how round and lumpy my body outline appeared. But I love seeing those shadows now! Again, it is one of the many, many bonuses that I didn’t really think I might have when I started this journey and it is something that I will not let slip through my fingers now or ever.

I have been messing around too much lately. I know it. I have never once claimed to be doing well when it has been so obvious that I have been faltering for months now. But I have continued on the path regardless of my uncertainty about which route I was on because I always assumed that if I just kept walking that I would eventually get somewhere. Stopping was never an option for me. Sitting down and giving up? That’s just not my style.

So, I’m going to continue on with my tradition of honesty. I am not going to make grandiose promises because I know me and that will likely just set me up for disaster. What I will do is try more. I will do better. I will put in a greater effort towards ensuring that I can continue finding clothes that fit, that I will always be able to enjoy slipping into those smaller sizes, and that I never again glimpse my shadow and dislike the image. Eventually, I can adjust to the innumerable changes I have gone through this year, but I would never be able to accept retreating to where I came from.

On this type of journey, there is no turning back.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 5 glasses of water
- 3/4 cup fat free strawberry yogurt with 1 cup granola cereal
- 4 cups mint chocolate bar ice cream blend
- 3/4 cup salted cashews
- 10 potato chips
- 1 1/2 cups broccoli, carrots, cherry tomatoes, and celery with ranch dip
- 1 cup lasagna with Parmesan cheese
- 2 slices garlic bread
- 3/4 cup vanilla ice cream with butterscotch sauce
- 2 miniature eclairs

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

Weigh-In For Week 58

I consider this week a wash. My weight has moved by 0.2 of a pound, so I am feeling okay with that. The stress and unusually hectic last several days could have meant a lot more damage to this journey, so I can’t help but be pleased that I essentially maintained through it all.

The good news is that even though things are going to remain quite busy for the next couple of weeks, I am not necessarily up against any deadlines as of this moment. And I will be spending the entire afternoon with my wonderful husband and then having a nice dinner with family. It should be a bit more of a relaxing day today and I really feel like I deserve it!

Barely Forming Sentences

I am actually falling asleep at the computer right now. Not good. Until tomorrow…

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 5 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 3/4 cup fat free strawberry yogurt
- 1 pear
- 1 mint candy
- 1 sandwich on a baguette with deli turkey, cheese, lettuce, and herb butter
- 4 bites of a cinnamon bun
- 1 mug of orange hot chocolate
- 1 slice of pumpkin pie with whipped cream
- 7 meatballs with mushroom cream sauce
- 1 cup roast potatoes with ketchup
- 3/4 cup fat free cherry yogurt with 1 cup granola cereal

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

There Aren’t Enough Hours In The Day

I’m still only going to get about three hours of sleep tonight!

It was a high sugar day. I was on the go all morning, afternoon, and night complete with a trip to the hospital to see family through a procedure and a lengthy visit to a very interesting science exhibit that went much later than I had expected. Now I am putting the finishing touches on a video I am entering into a contest since the deadline is tomorrow. Life is interesting, but still exhausting!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 3 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 chocolate chip bran bar
- 1 mug of hot chocolate
- 9 pieces of a California sushi roll with soy sauce
- 1 sandwich on a baguette with deli turkey, cheese, lettuce, and herb butter
- 1 glass chocolate peanut butter ice blended drink
- 1 bite chocolate eclair
- 1 large fruit Danish topped with peaches and strawberries
- 3/4 large apple fritter
- 2 cups mint chocolate ice cream blend

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

Eye Am Good And Tired

I have no idea what was going on last night, but my eye was much better even before I went to bed and it was completely fine when I woke up this morning. Maybe my body is trying to tell me something.

My husband is sort of unimpressed with me at the moment. Sometimes – as many long time readers of this blog already know – when I have a lot on the go I neglect my sleep, and he hates to see me exhaust myself so much. With the brevity of my posts lately, it’s not difficult to tell that I have been extremely pressed for time and, as usual, my default behaviour has kicked in. I think I’ve been averaging about four hours per night or so for the last week. Sigh. He’s right and I know it. At some point I will need to recognize the importance of getting proper rest.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 7 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 3/4 cup fat free cherry yogurt
- 1 pear
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 berry frozen yogurt tube
- 3 1/2 caramel rice cakes
- 1 mug pumpkin spice steamed soy milk
- 1 apple fritter
- 1 maple oatmeal scone with icing

EXERCISE:
- 20 minute walk

Eye Have A Problem

So apparently my body is not overly fond of me right now. My eye is acting strange and things are too blurry for me to do much on the computer right this second. I am hoping that a good night's rest (or, in all likelihood, the five and a half hours of sleep that I will be getting) will fix whatever is going on so that I can type out my lists without straining to see what the screen says. I may be squinting, but I will be back!

Edit: I have posted the lists now.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 5 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 caramel rice cake
- 1 chocolate chip bran bar
- 3 cups tortilla chips with salsa
- 1 mug pumpkin spice steamed soy milk
- 1/2 apple fritter
- 2 pumpkin scones with icing
- 1 1/2 cups macaroni and cheese
- 1 cup ham with mustard

EXERCISE:
- 25 minute walk
- 1 hour of rowing a dragon boat

I’m Sorry I’m Not Interesting

…but at least I am checking in. I am very unfocused on the health stuff right now and I need to get back at it! At least I am staying cognizant of it. Ignorance and unquestioning acceptance is a large part of what got me to my obese state before and I am certainly not that now. I am fighting and kicking and screaming even if I don’t have the time to write all about it right this second.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 6 glasses of water
- 1 mixed berry and almond multi-grain bar
- 1 pear
- 1 sandwich on a baguette with deli turkey, cheese, lettuce, and mayonnaise
- 1 peanut butter and chocolate ice blended drink
- 1 piece carrot cake with icing
- 1 piece of a chocolate drizzled almond bar
- 12 inch sub on an herb and cheese bun with deli ham, cheese, lettuce, tomato, green pepper, black olives, onion, mayonnaise, honey mustard, and pepper
- 2 cups mint chocolate bar ice cream blend

EXERCISE:
- 10 minute walk

Timeless

Once more, I have left myself absolutely no time to write anything of interest. I really am doing my best; things are just so busy and I am simply trying not to get buried beneath all that I have to do. Thanks to everyone who is being so patient!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 10 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 mixed berry and almond multi-grain bar
- 1 heated wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 3/4 cup fat free lemon meringue yogurt with 1 cup granola cereal
- 35 small roasted red pepper and garlic crackers
- 1 cup steamed broccoli and cauliflower with margarine
- 1/2 cup mashed potatoes with margarine
- 1 1/2 cups pork picnic with mustard
- 2 homemade blackberry scones with margarine

EXERCISE:
- 20 minute walk

Write To The Point

I felt so tired last night that I went to bed without even posting my lists. I can NOT let that happen! It is symptomatic of how frustrated I am with my weight loss endeavors right now and of the fact that I didn’t want to own up to how I am doing. I am not going to allow myself to trick me into letting the most important parts of this journey go by the wayside. Journaling keeps me accountable and I have got to make sure that I stick to it!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 4 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 2 1/2 cups sourdough bread with homemade dill dip
- 1 1/2 cups granola cereal
- 2 homemade blackberry scones with margarine
- 1 sandwich on a Kaiser bun with deli ham, cheese, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 peanut butter chocolate bar
- 2 cups mint chocolate bar ice cream blend

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

Weigh-In For Week 57

Maybe I will turn out to be a visual learner.

Avoidance

I had a great day, but there is a weigh-in that I know will be beyond horrible tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it. So much so is that the case, in fact, that I am going to sign off from here right now just so that I don’t have to think about it. Yup. It’s going to be that bad…

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 6 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 3 1/2 caramel cakes
- 2 cups grapes
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 pumpkin scone with icing
- 1 mug pumpkin spice steamed soy milk
- 1 lemon custard square
- 1 large apple fritter
- 1/2 apple
- 1 small glass root beer
- 1 cup French fries with salt and honey mustard sauce
- 1 cheeseburger on a hamburger bun with onion, ketchup, and mustard
- 3 glasses of pina colada
- 2 cups nachos with spinach, cheese, and artichoke dip
- 6 yam fries with spice mayonnaise
- 2 cups mint chocolate ice cream blend

EXERCISE:
- 25 minute walk

Actively Seeking Sleep

I am happy to report that I have been very active over the past few days. As evidenced by my lack of in depth entries this week, I haven’t had more than a few moments each day in front of the computer. Normally, I describe my days as quite sedentary, but not this week! This week I have been moving around so much that my feet are aching and I am coming home ready to pass out for the night as soon as I walk in the door. It feels great to be so active though! Tiring; exhausting; absolutely and undeniably draining, but completely wonderful at the same time!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 6 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 pear
- 1 mug pumpkin spice steamed soy milk
- 1 pumpkin scone with icing
- 1 chocolate delite fiber bar
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 2 caramel rice cakes
- 2 pita pockets with tzatziki
- 1 1/2 slices garlic bread with Parmesan cheese
- 1/2 cup steamed cauliflower and broccoli with margarine
- 3 chicken strips
- 1/2 baked potato with margarine and sour cream
- 3/4 cup fat free peach yogurt with 1 cup granola cereal

EXERCISE:
- 20 minute walk

I’ve Been Grounded

It’s already been a very long week and I still have two days to go! And at this point, I’m not even sure that things will slow down for my weekend.

But, again, I’m proud of the fact that I am checking in on here regardless of how busy things get. I may not have the time to write a lot, but just typing out a few words for this online journal really does help me to stay focused. It’s grounding. Having to write on here keeps me accountable and I need to hang onto that.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 6 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 pear
- 3/4 cup fat free peach yogurt
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with canned ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 glass chocolate peanut butter ice blended drink
- 1 large feta cheese, spinach, and onion bun
- 1 slice mango mousse cake with whipped cream and a piece of peach
- 1 slice chocolate mousse cake with chocolate icing and a piece of strawberry
- 1 gala apple
- 1 pulled pork sandwich on a Kaiser bun with margarine and barbecue sauce
- 1 homemade blueberry and cranberry bran muffin with margarine

EXERCISE:
- 25 minute walk

My Get Up And Go Just Got Up And Went

I have got to go to bed! It was a great, but totally exhausting day and I have to be up early tomorrow. On the plus side, even though I am only recording 10 squats as my exercise for the day I am positive I actually did far more calorie burning than I generally do. I was really active all day and was up and moving around for the majority of it! Now if I can only get my wonderful hubby to rub these poor, tired feet of mine!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 8 glasses of water
- 1 toasted whole wheat English muffin with light peanut butter and light strawberry jam
- 1 mug tea with milk
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with canned ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 2 bananas
- 1 raspberry cereal bar
- 1 apple cinnamon cereal bar
- 1 cranberry almond multi-grain bar
- 1 mug pumpkin spice steamed soy milk
- 1 sandwich on sunflower bread with deli turkey, cheese, lettuce, and Dijon mustard
- 3 extra small mugs Chinese tea
- 2 pieces French toast on white bread with margarine and maple syrup

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

Destined To Help

I was sent a link to something that was prompted by one of my posts from last week and I was very impressed with what I read. The point of the article shows a compassion and a confidence that can only lead to amazing results and I am compelled to share the relatively new journey being chronicled at Destined For 150 with all of you. The last two lines of her post really sum up exactly how I feel and, I think, exactly the outlook of countless others. I know this insightful lady is meant for success!

And, in line with the topic of her entry, in an attempt to make my own corner of the web a little more visitor friendly, I have added three new links that lead back to some of my more pertinent posts. I also still have the link to my anniversary photo video at the very top of my sidebar because I think that so many of us can start to get lost in the words, but can really find significance in actually seeing a transformation.

If anyone can think of any other articles I have written that they found to be of particular help or interest, please let me know in the comments section and I will consider linking to those too!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 7 glasses of water
- 3/4 cup garden blueberries
- 1 mug pumpkin spice steamed skim milk
- 1 breakfast sandwich on a white bun with egg white, turkey bacon, cheese, and butter
- 2 small pieces of three meat frozen pizza
- 3/4 cup fat free peach yogurt with 1 cup granola cereal
- 9 pieces of a California sushi roll with soy sauce
- 6 potato and cheese perogies with bacon and sour cream
- 7 white chocolate chip chocolate cookies
- 1 1/2 mugs decaffeinated tea with milk
- 20 roasted red pepper and garlic crackers with cheese
- 1 piece chocolate cake with chocolate icing and sprinkles

EXERCISE:
- 25 minute walk

Life's Not Fair

Fair food is far too tempting. I tried to plan; I even packed a lunch. We were there a lot longer than I thought we would be. Sigh… Enough said.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 8 glasses of water
- 1 sandwich on a Kaiser roll with deli ham, cheese, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 3/4 cup fat free peach yogurt with 1 cup granola cereal
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with canned ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 apple almond multi-grain bar
- 12 mini sugared doughnuts
- 1 hot dog on a hot dog bun with onions, relish, and mustard
- 1 scoop citrus twist sorbet and 1 scoop coconut ice cream on a waffle ice cream cone
- 1 large glass pina colada slushie drink
- 1 elephant ear with Parmesan cheese, herbs, and garlic
- 1 bite of an elephant ear with sugar and honey
- 2 cups mint chocolate bar ice cream blend
- 1 slice chocolate cake with chocolate icing and sprinkles

EXERCISE:
- 40 minutes of walking completed in 2 outings (25 minutes long and 15 minutes long)

For Love Or Ice Cream

My husband chatted with me this evening about something that I wasn’t expecting. We were on our way home and I asked if we could pick up the ice cream blend we have been treating ourselves with far too often lately. He agreed, but with the caveat that it be the last time that I make such a request to him.

He said that he was fine with me going on my own to indulge if I wish, but that he did not want to keep doing so anymore. He went on to say that he feels really bad when he eats those treats lately because we have been doing so in such a regular manner. He wants to continue making the choices that aren’t going to leave him feeling guilty about not eating more healthily.

This was all coming from a man who, approximately one year ago, was choosing to sustain himself with little more than cola and fast food.

Needless to say, I was shocked, but beyond proud of the way in which he handled the situation by respecting both me and himself. I am so lucky to have this amazing man in my life and I want to make sure that we can enjoy countless years together. Eating healthier obviously needs to be a part of that.

He has supported me in so many tiny and enormous ways over the last year and I owe him the same respect. The love that I have for that man is beyond anything I have ever known, and I will spend the rest of my life making sure that he knows it. Even if it means cutting down on my ice cream!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 4 glasses of water
- 1 sandwich on a Kaiser bun with deli ham, cheese, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 3/4 cup fat free strawberry yogurt with 1 cup granola cereal
- 1 large root beer milkshake
- 1 1/2 cups onion rings with honey mustard sauce
- 1 cheeseburger on a hamburger bun with bacon, lettuce, tomato, and seasoned mayonnaise
- 1 cup steamed broccoli and cauliflower with margarine
- 1/2 cup mashed potatoes with margarine
- 6 meatballs with ketchup
- 1/2 cup butterscotch pudding
- 2 cups mint chocolate bar ice cream blend

EXERCISE:
- 10 squats

Weigh-In For Week 56

I am down 1.4 pounds from last week which is great, but I don’t really feel like I have a lot of time to celebrate! This weekend is going to be so busy…

Nothing Specific

I’m tired. It was a long, albeit fruitful, day. I also have a ton of work to do this weekend.

Health wise I’m kind of ‘meh’. I’m not doing really poorly and I'm not doing really well today.

I am in a good place and feeling positive. I just don’t really have the energy or the time to go into details. But things are going well and I will keep slowly plugging away at improving my healthy eating and active living!

And for anyone interested in winning a free book, swing by the site where I write my column to enter the draw that is going on this month!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 6 glasses of water
- 1 toasted whole wheat English muffin with light peanut butter and light strawberry jam
- 1 banana
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 cranberry almond multi-grain bar
- 1 large apple fritter
- 1 glass chocolate peanut butter ice blended drink
- 2 cups mint chocolate bar ice cream blend
- 6 pieces of a California sushi roll with soy sauce
- 4 pieces of breaded pork with sweet and sour sauce

EXERCISE:
- 15 minute walk

Hiding In Plain View

I was in a training session yesterday that touched on the importance of nutrition and on creating generally healthy bodies. There was a woman in the workshop that was fairly comparable in size to me at my highest weight and my eyes went right to her.

She didn’t notice that I was looking right away, but as I watched I could see the emotions playing on her face. She had the same expressions that I am sure I always did whenever anyone brought up such topics. For me, it was always this odd mixture of somehow feeling like everyone was watching me and talking about my specific habits (which I knew, on a logical level, was completely absurd) and trying to melt into the surroundings. I just wanted to avoid having to contribute to the conversation as I was confident that the other people would be internally scoffing at the idea of someone my size offering ideas on a topic which, by all outward appearances, I knew very little about.

So, there I was gazing at this woman and thinking my thoughts while still listening to the discussion when she looked over at me. I smiled right away in an attempt to express my firsthand empathy, but then I realized… I’m no longer her size. All she probably saw was a fairly typically sized woman staring. I really hope she saw the genuineness of my smile because I absolutely hate the idea of her feeling like I was judging her in the same way I always thought others might be doing to me in moments like that.

It’s like I have a disguise now. My past experiences are completely invisible to most people, and sometimes that isn’t necessarily a good thing…

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 8 glasses of water
- 2 1/3 cups grapes
- 1 croissant
- 1 lemon poppy seed muffin with butter
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 gala apple
- 2 mugs tea with milk
- 2 almond yogurt granola bars
- 1 glass root beer
- 1 cup French fries with salt and honey mustard sauce
- 2 cheeseburgers on a hamburger bun with onions, mustard, and ketchup
- 2 cups mint chocolate bar ice cream blend
- 5 bites chocolate candy pieces ice cream blend

EXERCISE:
- 55 minutes of walking completed in 2 outings (30 minutes long and 25 minutes long)

Eye Have Chills

I attended the summer picnic for one of the organizations I used to work for today. It was really fun seeing so many people that I haven’t seen since last winter or even longer. Every single person was absolutely gobsmacked by my transformation!

I have to admit that those types of reactions never get old. If I’m being totally honest, I guess this afternoon was a little bit of an ego boost since everyone who is in my life on a regular basis is more or less used to the new me, but everyone from today was totally shocked. It’s really encouraging to have the evidence that there really is that much of a difference. Logically, I know that it’s there, but mentally I don’t always realize the significance now that fewer people mention it.

I think that because I have had more than a few difficult moments over the summer that it is good for me to be able to reframe this journey a bit. It’s easy to get down on myself because of how I am not performing at my peak right now, but it’s a lot more of a challenge to keep the accomplishments I have had over the last year in mind when they are no longer constant reminders.

There were a variety of reactions that my old co-workers had. All of them looked right at me and acknowledged me before doing a double take of recognition or a confused side glance as they tried to figure out where they knew me from. A couple of people stood two feet away and still took a moment to realize who I was. Some were curious about how I had done it and most had a lot of really nice compliments to offer.

The two best, and most unique, reactions though will stick with me for a long time. One woman, after her initial shock, said that it was my eyes that gave me away. She said, “Everyone’s spirit shows in their eyes and when I saw you I thought, ‘who’s this soul sucker that stole my friend’s essence?’” It was really funny, but telling at the same time. I obviously look that different from what I did before and – more importantly – I find it very reassuring to know that someone I really respect saw the same person in me as I have always been. I am truly grateful to feel like I haven’t changed on the inside, because I do like who I am. It really was a gift when she said that.

And one of the guys, again after finally figuring out who I was, gave me a big hug, stepped back to look at me, and shook his head with eyes wide. “I have goosebumps!” he exclaimed raising his arms for me to see. And he did! Later on when we were laughing about that comment while telling yet another old co-worker about it, he repeated the gesture, drawing attention to the fact that he had them again. It’s amazing to think that my appearance had changed so drastically that it gave someone chills.

Yes, all in all, it was a great day! And I am so glad that I had the chance to see so many familiar faces, even though most of the people there probably wouldn’t be able to claim the second half of that statement when referring to me!

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 7 glasses of water
- 1 small pear
- 3 mugs tea with milk
- 1 carrot muffin with butter
- 1 lemon danish
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 gala apple
- 1 blueberry yogurt granola bar
- 1 mixed berry granola bar
- 1 cranberry almond multi-grain bar
- 1 cheeseburger on a hamburger bun with mayonnaise and mustard
- 1 cup granola cereal

EXERCISE:
- 45 minute walk completed in 2 outings (20 minutes long and 25 minutes long)