Wednesday, September 22, 2010

What Good Am I Doing?

I feel disgusted with myself. Once again – for the second time this week – I let the ‘treats’ get utterly out of hand.

I have to say that lately I have been wondering if I am doing anything right. I feel like I take one tiny step forward and slide two huge steps back. At this point I often ponder if I am doing anything at all to really help myself with this weight loss / maintenance thing. And I question if, by writing about my struggles, I am doing more damage than good to those people who choose to read this journal.

It is so tempting to do any number of things to alleviate this pressure... I could lie. I could say that I am doing well and put false information on here. Nobody apart from me would know the truth. I could also make the decision to stop putting up my food list. That would mean I didn’t have to look at an inventory of all the junk I have consumed day after day and that I wouldn’t know that people are likely out there judging (and, in a way, rightly so) my poor choices. I could also just shut down this site. There isn’t really a way for anyone to contact me if I don’t want them to since the only person I know in ‘real’ life is my husband, so I could easily just slip into cyberspace oblivion without anyone to answer to.

It’s tempting.

But it won’t do me any good. It won’t serve any of the people who come here looking for something. And it certainly won’t make the problems I am having on this journey go away.

I have never been anything but honest on here. There are a few things I choose not to write about that happen in my personal life, which may have some bearing on this journey, but I even try to account for those happenings in a less detailed manner when I post. I am proud of the fact that I have created a space where I make myself let it all hang out. It is definitely not always easy to type out the words, but I do it.

It was simple to come back to this journal day after day when I was losing weight consistently and having minimal difficulties with sticking with my plan. This is a lot harder. However – and this is one of the keys, I think, to me having long term success – it is necessary. I may have to force myself to return here at times, and the truthfulness of my entries may occasionally cause me some distress and embarrassment, but I know there is a point to all of this. And I know that the alternative is a much, much darker place.

- 8 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 spritz cookie with sprinkles
- 1 tiger brownie with icing
- 1 sandwich on baguette with deli turkey, cheese, lettuce, and herb butter
- 1 sponge bun
- 1 apple
- 1 piece of carrot cake with icing
- 1 caramel macaroon
- 2 cups pasta with buffalo meatballs, tomato sauce, and grated cheese
- 1 piece of garlic bread

- 20 minute walk


  1. I have just discovered your blog (from )

    I keep a weightloss blog on a food diary here: .

    That entry was to thank folks who write about the difficulties of the last stage of the weight-loss journey and the first stages of maintenance.

    Too many times, I've been at one of those stages and then fell back to my original weight plus some. I know that most people do. This time I am bound and determined not to.

    This is the stage when the compliments stop, when the scale bounces up and down and progression seems to stop. This is the stage when you have to lose the same 5 - 10 -15 pounds over again. This is the hardest, least understood and most hidden stage.

    I don't know why this happens but I do know that very few people write about it, nobody celebrates it on talk shows and no company tries to make money from it.

    You must make your own journey but you are not alone. Being frank and honest, I believe, is the right direction. Please consider continuing to write about it. I will listen. Thanks.

  2. I've said this before--You are a brave woman.

    This whole weight-loss thing is so hard--and full of hidden dangers. I have not gotten as far as you have--not even close--but I have gotten stuck. I am stuck in the 170s--bouncing between 168 and 178 for 3 months.

    It's not a plateau--I am slipping off plan and it shows. Something happened when I hit the low 170s. Some kind of panic... I dunno.

    It is a frightening, unkown, mystifying place to be. We may have different reasons for our difficulties--but the fear, frustration and distess are the same.

    I think the comment above mine is a helpful and wise one. It made me feel better, anyway. :)

    The secret is to not quit. to keep on plugging. If we get up one more time than we fall, we will win.

    I'm praying for us.


  3. The rewards of a thin body do not seem to outweigh the *relief* experienced when one gives in to the urge to eat--or overeat-- certain foods. I believe it is biochemical (physiological), perhaps related to modern foods, and some of us have a suseptibility to them while others do not. In evolutionary terms, out bodies are not evolved to eat mass quantities of grains and sugar. There is little research on the topic because there is no money to be made from discovering that our modern diet has damaged our bodies in almost irreparable ways. I have been awake, hungry, since 2 am. I have not eaten, but every minute that goes by I feel hungry to the point where I cannot sleep. The eventual alternative is not comforting. Diabetes and circulatory problems, then removal of feet. Stark, yes. Horrifying, yes. But true. So I weigh my options. Relief from this hunger, now. Eventual weight gain, heart disease, loss of limbs. People who have never been obese, by the grace of evolutionary quirks (genetics), do not experience this same difficult choice. But so? I sit in a warm house at this moment with food in my kitchen :). Billions (not millions, billions) do not know where their next meal is coming from. I don't feel sorry for myself. I am hungry, like the masses. I am safe. One finds perspective.

    Bless you. May you find your way through this difficult time.

    Sincerely, R.

  4. I think you are doing a brave and wonderful thing to continue posting. You inspire me with that just as well as your journey to here and now. Please don't stop posting. We all slip up and it's all too easy to lie to ourselves about it. It's too easy for 1 cookie to turn into 10 or 20 or the whole package, especially when nobody knows about it but you.

    I haven't read your whole blog yet, as I've just come across it on line, so I'm not sure if you've listed how tall you are. Based on your BMI, I'd say that you're 5'7. You are within normal weight range even with the gain you've had and 130 would be close to the underweight side of things. You look so beautiful at the size that you are now. I'm 5'6 and my goal is to be somewhere between 150 and 160. I'm "big boned" so that's around the perfect size for me. I know this by measuring my wrist and the bones in my elbow. Have you considered raising your goal weight and trying to maintain around 150-155 for a year or so and seeing how that feels to maintain?

  5. I see myself in you so much. I am still trying to lose weight but I can't seem to get ahold of the eating. It really is an addiction. But, I am honest with myself. I'm nothing if not honest. I know that when I stop being honest is when the trouble will start.

  6. I believe blogging is most important when we are not perfect, it keeps us accountable.

  7. I only have a quick minute to write but please rid your home and work space of all junk food. This seems to work for me. Out of sight, out of mind.

  8. Hi, I am a relative newcomer to your blog, drawn in by your wonderful "progression" video. Maintenance is damn hard, after a lifetime of bad eating choices. I hate to state the obvious, but can you pre-plan your menu the night before? That can really help. I have used myfitnesspal for iPhone, and that is so super easy. Also, I revisit why I overeat. The details of that are not necessarily what you want to share on a blog, but you need to know for yourself. I lost a lot of weight many many years ago, then got married, conveniently "forgot" that I cannot eat everything in sight, and ended up at age 42 at 215 lbs. I am now 195, so a long way to go. I KNOW I will get to my goal, but I cannot ever forget where I came from.
    Good luck, I really admire your honesty in blogging, and nothing can take away the success you have already had.

  9. where are the treats coming from? Are you buying them? As other commenters have noted, you might just try and stop the 'treat' issue at the root - if you're buying them: stop. If someone's gifting them: ask them to stop. If they're just available, tell yourself to stop. Make refined sugar completely off limits for say a week, 2 weeks, a month? period of time that will allow you to regain the feeling of control.
    Easy to say - hard to do. I know.
    I've been eliminating foods out of my menus - completely. Moderation wasn't working for me long term - I could moderate what I ate for say 6 months - but not a lifetime. Elimination I can achieve for a lifetime. I won't starve without candy, chips, and next on the list is refined sugar.

  10. Just so you know, you're NOT alone. And NO ONE is judging you other than yourself. I do the same things and feel so guilty but the only person that is tough on me, is me! It's not always going to be easy but you have to realize that as long as you want to continue losing/maitaining/etc., you will continue. It's all just a matter of understanding and coaching yourself. You can do it-----OBVISOULY! You look freaking fantastic! Before you go any further into this negative thought process about your poor choices, LOOK AT YOUR BEFORE PICTURE. Realize how far you've come and start fresh. Keep moving forward!

  11. Guh...I am doing the same thing right now and am about to do my confessional post. I guess we just do our best to find some specific tasks to undertake and commit to it for just today.

    I admire your honesty. Keep it real and know that we are all with you.

  12. Good for you. For every person who might be passing judgement...there are at least 10 or 15 of us who are not only CHEERING you on...but also completely able to relate. I hope that as long as this blog helps'll keep writing! :)

  13. I admire and appreciate your honesty. There is no end to this journey of ours, it is a series of ups and downs. What counts is that you keep going.

  14. I echo other comments, being open and honest about is not easy and you're incredible for seeing through all of that to be upfront with whats going on.
    You're doing good by writing about it, and as Tricia says, you're still going with the blog, the accountability, the journey, and thats what counts - thank you for an amazing blog, I'm a new reader and appreciate every word you've written.

  15. Your post is heart wrenching. You have come so far and are an inspiration to many of us who (like me) are just getting started on their journey.

    I believe like others above in their comments that it is very, very important to continue to be authentic and honest in your blog. You are right, no one will know but you if you are not. But, YOU are the most important person.

    I sense that there is fear involved here, too. Having not been at a normal weight for so long, I know I am fearful of getting close to what would be for me a normal weight. It takes a great deal of self understanding to be successful in a healthy life style and maintain it. So, my question for you is: are you fearful of something if you maintain your weight loss? Is there some other fear that might be behind your over and unhealthy eating that you describe above?? If so, maybe understanding those fears will help you to stay on the path.

    Finally, this may not be any consolation to you, but, just knowing that you are conflicted and challenged after so much success is a side of the obesity struggles that we do not hear so much about. Again, your honesty in blogging is therapeutic for your blog readers and also for you. It is never an easy road. Please believe that there are many, many of us cheering for you!

  16. I hear ya...I started keeping a separate food list blog that nobody reads (except one determined soul from England) ;o) and I stopped posting my weight. It's too awful right now, but I know what it is, and what it needs to get back to. I find that certain people can't resist lecturing me when I KNOW I'm not doing well, and to be honest, it feels to me like kicking someone when they're down. So I'm choosing to keep certain things to myself right now. I think not being lectured helps me more than letting it all hang out right now, although sometimes I wish I could post the depths of my struggle to find some encouragement.

    All I'm going to say is, just try to not let it get out of hand. I kind of did. The best thing I can say is that I'm still quite a ways from my highest weight.

  17. I am sorry you're struggling! I appreciate your honesty in your successes & in your slips. Being honest with something like this can be such a tool for others to use to find strength. And as far as the possibility of your honesty causing some one else to slip ... well, if that happens there are issues besides you writing about yours. You would not be to blame!

  18. You've been reading my blog as long as I've been reading yours you KNOW that I understand the embarassment factor. I have to believe though that the accountability factor, that causes the embarassment, is the biggest thing you need to hold on to. Post the food lists. Continue blogging as often as possible. If you and I both slipped off into the unknown, you know full well that we both have the potential to gain 100 lbs. in 6 months flat. Neither of us wants that...that's why we're both still here. You're trying to maintain and you're slipping with the treats....I keep losing and re-gaining the same 20-30 lbs in the middle of my journey. We're not in the same place...but the accountability/embarassment is the same.

    I think the fact that you've made food lists this entire time can be your saving grace. What do you think about re-dedicating yourself to when you were in your losing phase...before maintenance and all the sweet stuff. How would you feel about going back to Day One and checking out your food lists. What were you eating then? Can you just take it one day at a time and eat the same things now that you were eating then? I certainly don't have them memorized but I know for a fact all of those sweet dessert-type things weren't in there. The sugar intake is killing your plan girl...not like you don't already know this. But you know I've always cared enough about you thru personal emails and posting on your blog to talk to you straight. I care about you. I know, know, know how badly you want to get back on track. Stop for a couple of minutes...focus on you...what you want. You can do this...just get back to the basics. One day at a time...and you have the help of all of your food lists during your losing phase to refer to. You don't even have to come up with a's already there. Just grocery shop according to what's on your food lists from the early part of this journey. It worked will work again. I know that you don't need to lose a bunch now...but it will get you back into the frame of mind with the healthier food choices. You'll need more calories now to maintain than you ate back then...but you can bump them up a bit w/ real food....healthier foods...not the white sugar that is trying it's damndest to be your demise. Don't let it girl. Save yourself. I believe in you. :)

  19. Well i've always said that maintaining is a lot harder than losing!
    I've been at goal and once again trying to get there.
    Would it help to go back and read from the beginning of your journey?? It might help you find your mojo again. Or at least give maybe a little more understanding of where your at now.

  20. The above posts say it all! You are an incredible, strong and determined person. When I first found your blog I read it from the beginning and continue to read it today. What struck me about you is how determined you are and your victories and struggles felt like my own. It is hard right now but it will get better. You are busy and it is understandable to not plan healthy alternatives or allow yourself 'a little treat' here and there. Allow yourself a sm. special treat once a day and make the time to enjoy it. Beating yourself up over what you are eating/doing does not accomplish anything except making yourself feel horrible. You have a whole blogging world out there cheering you on! Beginners and long time maintainers all know where you are coming from. You are determined and honest with yourself and with us. You will get over this hurdle just as you have jumped over other ones. Good luck!