I feel disgusted with myself. Once again – for the second time this week – I let the ‘treats’ get utterly out of hand.
I have to say that lately I have been wondering if I am doing anything right. I feel like I take one tiny step forward and slide two huge steps back. At this point I often ponder if I am doing anything at all to really help myself with this weight loss / maintenance thing. And I question if, by writing about my struggles, I am doing more damage than good to those people who choose to read this journal.
It is so tempting to do any number of things to alleviate this pressure... I could lie. I could say that I am doing well and put false information on here. Nobody apart from me would know the truth. I could also make the decision to stop putting up my food list. That would mean I didn’t have to look at an inventory of all the junk I have consumed day after day and that I wouldn’t know that people are likely out there judging (and, in a way, rightly so) my poor choices. I could also just shut down this site. There isn’t really a way for anyone to contact me if I don’t want them to since the only person I know in ‘real’ life is my husband, so I could easily just slip into cyberspace oblivion without anyone to answer to.
But it won’t do me any good. It won’t serve any of the people who come here looking for something. And it certainly won’t make the problems I am having on this journey go away.
I have never been anything but honest on here. There are a few things I choose not to write about that happen in my personal life, which may have some bearing on this journey, but I even try to account for those happenings in a less detailed manner when I post. I am proud of the fact that I have created a space where I make myself let it all hang out. It is definitely not always easy to type out the words, but I do it.
It was simple to come back to this journal day after day when I was losing weight consistently and having minimal difficulties with sticking with my plan. This is a lot harder. However – and this is one of the keys, I think, to me having long term success – it is necessary. I may have to force myself to return here at times, and the truthfulness of my entries may occasionally cause me some distress and embarrassment, but I know there is a point to all of this. And I know that the alternative is a much, much darker place.
FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 8 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 spritz cookie with sprinkles
- 1 tiger brownie with icing
- 1 sandwich on baguette with deli turkey, cheese, lettuce, and herb butter
- 1 sponge bun
- 1 apple
- 1 piece of carrot cake with icing
- 1 caramel macaroon
- 2 cups pasta with buffalo meatballs, tomato sauce, and grated cheese
- 1 piece of garlic bread
- 20 minute walk