Sunday, September 19, 2010

It’s A Small World

I bought clothes today. I didn’t get anything really exciting – a few tops, some socks and underwear, and a winter jacket – but I had an amazing time shopping. Everything fit. Everything!

And all of the clothes that I ended up purchasing were smalls except for one medium top. Granted, I was shopping in the bigger department stores and I always find that they are more generous with their sizing than at many of the other shops, but it still felt great to be able to pull on items while not even entertaining the thought of trying a large, extra large, or one of the many bigger sizes that I wore for so many years.

I have been struggling for a long time now and slowly putting back on some of the weight that I lost. It has not been so much that I have been extremely worried, although I certainly have my moments, but I have still endeavored to keep it in check and to be very cognizant of what my weight is doing. I know that having gone through such drastic changes over the last year that I was probably due for a bit of a backslide and – more accurately – an adjustment period to being so much lighter and healthier.

But, after going shopping today I am reminded of all that I have worked for. I doubt that I will ever be able to walk into a store and buy a small or medium shirt or pair of pants and not experience an internal celebration of some sort. I have worked too hard and gone through too much to ever forget about how far I am from where I was. And I don’t want to lose that.

I was walking though a parking lot with my husband this afternoon too and I noticed our shadows and I felt a huge smile break across my face. I like seeing our bodies silhouetted on the ground like that now. Before I used to hate that type of a reflection because it was too easy to note the way my shape was so much larger than his and to see how round and lumpy my body outline appeared. But I love seeing those shadows now! Again, it is one of the many, many bonuses that I didn’t really think I might have when I started this journey and it is something that I will not let slip through my fingers now or ever.

I have been messing around too much lately. I know it. I have never once claimed to be doing well when it has been so obvious that I have been faltering for months now. But I have continued on the path regardless of my uncertainty about which route I was on because I always assumed that if I just kept walking that I would eventually get somewhere. Stopping was never an option for me. Sitting down and giving up? That’s just not my style.

So, I’m going to continue on with my tradition of honesty. I am not going to make grandiose promises because I know me and that will likely just set me up for disaster. What I will do is try more. I will do better. I will put in a greater effort towards ensuring that I can continue finding clothes that fit, that I will always be able to enjoy slipping into those smaller sizes, and that I never again glimpse my shadow and dislike the image. Eventually, I can adjust to the innumerable changes I have gone through this year, but I would never be able to accept retreating to where I came from.

On this type of journey, there is no turning back.

- 5 glasses of water
- 3/4 cup fat free strawberry yogurt with 1 cup granola cereal
- 4 cups mint chocolate bar ice cream blend
- 3/4 cup salted cashews
- 10 potato chips
- 1 1/2 cups broccoli, carrots, cherry tomatoes, and celery with ranch dip
- 1 cup lasagna with Parmesan cheese
- 2 slices garlic bread
- 3/4 cup vanilla ice cream with butterscotch sauce
- 2 miniature eclairs

- 10 squats


  1. Dear 266,

    This is the first time I am writing you. I have been following you closely for quite a while now, and I am in awe of your progress.

    I am on the same journey to lead a better, healthier life, not just for me, but also for my family. I want them to be proud of their mother and see how hard it is to achieve your goals. I am on my way.

    One thing I have noticed about your eating habbits is-I think (like myself) you are an emotional eater. I can see a clear link between stress and the need to eat ice cream or a few pieces of cake. The question is why?

    I have had numerous trials with diets, and the only "diet" that worked for me was to live. Actually live, and not be afraid to just that.

    There will always be some sort of stress in your life - work, marital issues, kids (one day), parents, you name it. We cannot solve, or hide from our problems under a bucket of ice cream or a with the help of a few Twinkies.

    I suggest trying to take a deep and profound look at your means of coping with life. Maybe then, trying to lose weight will not be a task, but rather a journey of self-revelation.

    Just a thought,


  2. Wow, congrats on being able to buy smalls and mediums in a store! I haven't ever been able to do that! It's one of my weight loss mini goals as well. I just want to be able to walk into a store and shop from the racks right up front and not be relegated to the fat lady racks in the back of the store. Congrats to you!

    Yes, backsliding happens but I am so proud of you for recognizing it and vowing to grab the bull by the horns and take control again. I know you can do it! Keep up your awesome work!

  3. I loved the story of you and your hub's shadow! Loved.

    I don't think anyone ever thought you were giving up, and you have been very honest in your food journals. You can't make huge promises, but what if you cut down to one "sweets" treat a day and add some fruit and veggies to the daily mix in its place? One little change.

    You continue to wow us all with your progress 266, and I know, you'll never be 266 again!

  4. I cannot wait until I am just able to buy a large. I don't even care about a medium. I'm a 3x right now and a large would be awesome.

  5. Sounds like you've come to a good place!

  6. I am an avid follower of your blog. Your anniversary piece inspired me. I want to tell you why I think you are faltering. You are eating really high glycemic foods and every bite
    of scone or cake or ice cream will trigger more eating. It the physiology of the entire process. I have been struggling -- too busy, too tired, too little exercise. The fact is that if you continue to eat the way you are eating that you will continue to gain weight. Once the cycle starts you have to get off it and get high glycemic crap out of your diet -- and you will again start to lose. You are 18 lbs over your low point and soon you will be back to 266. It has happened to all of us and it is tragic, but it is not emotional -- it is the impact of fructose corn syrup and heavy sugars and high carbohydrates on your pancreas. This is not a mystery, but all of us don't face this very squarely. I am battling down from a 28 lbs gain after an 85 lb. weight loss. Take a look at your food lists -- they are monster high glycemic foods. Nothing is worth undoing all the good work. You look so fabulous and getting back to an old weight kills self-esteem and wrecks integrity. Get rid of the scones, the cake, the ice cream and the junk. Get into some high density nutrition that keeps your blood sugar stable. You can do it -- I find that once I get into the addictive high glycemic foods that I almost cannot stop. Your blurry vision is a result of the insulin response. STOP IT NOW.

  7. I want to say that there is a cycle involved in your eating. You are so honest. You are eating too many sweets. Once you eat them they both make you feel bad emotionally and physically. The craving sets in because your body is dealing with the glucose level in your blood. What comes first -- the stress or the eating? Once feeds the other in a circle. Start out tomorrow by eating only protein. Endure the headache. If you need carbs eat an avocado and some sprouted grain bread. Go a week without any of the sugars and the craving will go away. It's a physiological thing; it isn't you. You aren't engineered for the sugars. If you keep it up your blurred vision will be worse -- it's a first
    symptom of pre-diabetes. You have to intervene and stop yourself. You don't need any of the crap you are eating; but your body is screaming for it. You are having glycemic reactions to food. Pay attention; I'm an overweight expert and I know what I'm talking about. I battle it
    constantly -- the smallest amount of high frustose corn syrup with start me out of cycle and stability. Read labels. You are destroying all of your progress. Get in control of your biochemistry.

  8. Hi! I've been reading this for a while and tried to leave supportive comments.

    I had a question: I notice that you drink some kind of ice cream based blended drink everyday. Is it a milkshake or some kind of diet drink? Meal replacement?