Saturday, April 3, 2010

Reflections After An Evening Run

“Screw you!”

I screamed inside my mind once more as I slowed my pace, “Screw you!” I repeated it a third time and then a fourth. I envisioned her face as I drew in a ragged breath and the tears began to fall. She hadn’t believed in me. She never thought that I would be able to complete something so ambitious, but I had shown her! I could picture her shaking her head at my conviction to do what seemed impossible. I could see her laughing at my naivety. I imagined how my assurances that I would accomplish what I set out to do had led her to turn her 266 pound frame away from me in disgust.

The tears flowed down my face, mixing with the rain that was falling from above. Why did I hold myself back for so long? Why had I allowed myself to be trapped in that obese body? Why was it that I had not fought harder to get healthier until now? Why did I never before think that I could get to this point? Why had I always doubted my ability to change for the better? Why?!

Deep breath.

“You’re being a bully,” I silently scolded myself. It wasn’t that she did not believe in me, but rather that I didn’t really exist back then. In truth, she did not believe in herself. And, when I really think about it, that’s not even accurate…

She believed. She believed so much that she started. She did small things to begin with: going for walks, keeping track of what she ate, and writing this blog. She was so sure that she could make me a reality that she kept trying. Day after day she did a little bit more than she had; week after week she started to fade and be replaced by the woman I now see when I look in the mirror.

No, she never would have dreamed that it was possible for me to complete any kind of running program, but she wished for it. Somewhere, deep inside, buried beneath the doubt and uncertainty was hope. She always had hope.

How quickly we can realize the error of our ways. Rather than cursing the person I used to see in my reflection, I should, instead, be thanking her. Without taking those first few tentative steps, I would never have run these most recent ones. I know that both sets of footprints left behind from very different times on this journey have served meaningful roles. They have undoubtedly left important impressions, forever etched upon my constantly evolving spirit.

- 7 glasses of water
- 1 toasted whole wheat English muffin with light strawberry jam
- 1 banana
- 4 cups salad with deli ham, grated cheese, lettuce, tomato, green pepper, onion, black olives, and honey mustard dressing
- 1 bite of a white chocolate and macadamia cookie
- 2 small Mandarin oranges
- 2 cups steamed broccoli and cauliflower with garlic Alfredo sauce
- 3 cups heated blueberries and strawberries with cinnamon and sugar

- 40 minutes of the C25K program (Day 3 of Week 9)


  1. I really liked the transition into realizing you were writing about your former self. We are our own worst critics, for sure. I'm working on being grateful for where I'm at, as I know it's the means for getting to where I want to be, but it's super tricky sometimes. Your post was the perfect thing to read on my way to bed.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. You are being a bully" is a line I love and now will use on myself, for the many times I scold myself harshly or needlessly.
    Thank you for sharing your insights.
    You rock - you know!

  4. Thank you for your honest reflection. It can be painful but oh so cleansing x

  5. This post was beautifully written and hit home for me too! Thank you for sharing it! :)

  6. Powerful post! So True for many of us...

    I am going dragon boating today after work :)

  7. It was an emotional finish to the C25K and one that I wanted to record accurately.

    Midlife Swimmer, that totally makes me smile! Have a great time!

  8. What a powerful post! A week for powerful posts.. I hope I did not miss too many with my crazed week. So glad I got here to read this! You are like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly both physically & emotionally! Love it!

  9. Oh I love this, so good. And I'm glad you're joining in on the challenge!!! How fun!!! :)

  10. Thanks, ladies!

    Tammy, I am so excited about the challenge - thank YOU!!!