Yesterday I posted about some very insightful remarks that were sent to me in a private email and how, as a result, I started to investigate an aspect of my current difficulties that I had not yet fully explored. I think that it’s necessary to more fully flush out the topic so that I can come up with some solutions to this issue.
I do too much. That’s not something that I readily admit to, but I think that I need to make note of it here. The fact that tears just instantly sprang up into my eyes as I wrote out those four little words hints at the rawness of emotion that exists when recognizing that particular truth. Somewhere in the back of my brain I know that this fact exists, but not recognizing it means that I can keep on going full steam ahead without contemplating the impossibility to what I feel I often manage to deliver. My husband calls it cartoon logic. You only fall off the edge of a cliff once you take a moment to realize that you shouldn’t be able to stand atop thin air.
Another truth that I need to acknowledge here is that lately I have been jumping around looking for solutions. I think that I need to try and settle on something and just commit to that for a while. I believe that my idea from a couple of days ago to simply do the best I can in the moment I am in and to return to basics is a good one. So, regardless of whatever else changes in the near future, I am really going to try to give that a chance.
Something that bothered me a lot about yesterday’s entry was when I shared that my husband and I have joked about not having time together until August due to our insanely busy schedules. There is a fundamental difference between the two of us that is really important to note here as it will largely figure in how I go about untangling this trap I have caught myself up in.
I thrive on busy. Regardless of the fact that I am currently struggling with trying to keep up with all of the expectations that I have placed on myself, I really do enjoy having a lot on the go and I am particularly productive when that is the case. My husband ascribes to the exact opposite philosophy.
Over the past few months, as things have gotten busier and busier for me, I have relied on my partner much more heavily. He accompanies me when I need to run errands, he does odd jobs for me, and he has taken on a larger share of housework. He has essentially been at my beck and call and it is wearing him out. My husband is not a big complainer, but even he has his limits and I know that it has been at least a couple of weeks since he announced that he was done. Yet I have still been pushing him to help me out because I feel like I don’t have an alternative. Without his assistance I can not get done all that I must, and so I keep on taking advantage of the one person I want to take care of the most.
This bothers me to no end! I have cried at the thought of asking him for yet one more favour because I hate how busy I have kept him lately. He just wants to relax for a day or two and I haven’t felt that I could provide that to him. I may be able to run on fumes for days, weeks, and even months on end, but it is starting to take its toll on him. The guilt that I feel over this is immense.
So I need to figure that out. Because regardless of how hectic life gets, he is the one person who I have always been able to rely on and I need him to know how appreciated that is. I have to hit upon some balance between enjoying my many projects while knowing when to ask for help and taking a step back to allow for a break when needed, whether such a breather is for my husband or for me.
I will be finalizing some strategies to help me with all of this and I will probably post them tomorrow. I know that this is all a bit of a departure from my normal subject matter, but I think that on this journey to improved health that it is important to delve into the deeper mental workings. Whether I am focusing on what I eat, how much exercise I have done, or the reasons behind why I am going off plan, I am continuing to do what I can each and every day. And really, what more can I ask of myself?
FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 5 glasses of water
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli ham, cheese, dried cranberries, spinach, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 3/4 cup fat free summer fruits yogurt with 1 cup rice and wheat flake granola cereal
- 1 small chocolate covered vanilla fudge candy bar
- 3 cups Caesar salad with bacon pieces, Parmesan cheese, and croutons
- 1/2 garlic wedge
- 1 mug pumpkin spice skim milk chai latte
- 6 pieces of a California sushi roll with soy sauce
- 6 pieces of a tempera yam sushi roll with soy sauce
- 1 mug caramel cinnamon dolce steamed skim milk
- 100 jumping jacks