Hide And Seek

Rather than truly facing the reality of my expanding waistline, over the years I developed a variety of tricks to appear thinner. I’m still not sure if I was trying to fool the rest of the world or simply myself. Of course, I am aware that these were mostly silly attempts to only temporarily and mildly mask the – literally – much larger problem. Yet, somehow, they were all things that made me feel a little better when put into practice.

Many of these I have grown out of, while others I still do on a fairly regular basis:

- asking my husband to take multiple photos of myself in the same, slightly varied, pose to get one that was good enough to keep
- consciously standing taller and slightly sucking in my stomach when entering a place with people I wasn’t completely comfortable with
- denying that I was hot in jeans, regardless of the fact that felt like I was boiling, to ensure that I did not have to wear shorts
- generally becoming a plain looking woman with simple hair, no make-up, and basic clothing who fades into the woodwork
- never buying anything with horizontal stripes
- placing a pillow in my lap to hide my stomach
- practising in a mirror the way I was to tilt my head in photographs to solidify in my mind which ones would miss exposing my double chin
- purchasing a pair of men’s swim trunks to wear over top of my bathing suit
- showing off my cleavage to try and de-emphasize my other generous proportions
- slanting my body so that one hip was pointed more towards the camera in an attempt to minimize my width on film
- standing behind others when a picture was being taken
- steering the conversation away from anything food, exercise, or weight related in case people focused in on my size
- wearing a lot of black and other dark colours
- wearing only plain shirts with no logos to avoid losing sight of half the message beneath my chest
- wearing Spanx at my wedding and a couple of times I’ve gone out to fancier events

Interesting that a lot of these tactics seem to include adding bulk in some way to my already large frame. Another big portion of these tend to focus on pictures being taken; obviously this is because they are considered proof in my mind – memories fade, but a photo lasts for a long time.

I like that I can examine these elements in an honest way without becoming too upset about them now. I think that because I am moving forward and seeking out permanent change, it makes it much easier to be critical of myself. I am avoiding an emotional setback and depressive state since I know that I won’t have to use these tricks for much longer. One day they will be gone from my repertoire entirely and, if I keep working towards uncovering a healthier version of myself in the manner I have been, that day will be sooner rather than later.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 10 glasses of water throughout the day
- 1 1/2 cups of lemon and garlic green beans
- 1 cup of cherries
- 2 slices of roast beef with mushroom soup gravy
- 1/2 cup of corn with 1 tsp. butter
- 1/2 cup of mashed potatoes with 1 tsp. butter
- 1 white dinner bun with butter
- 2 sweet pickle slices
- 3/4 cup lemon jello
- 1 1/2 cups of steamed asparagus with 2 tsp. margarine

EXERCISE:
- 45 minute step workout video (without the step)
- 3 sets of 30 stomach crunches (1 straight, 1 right, and 1 left)
- 2 sets of 10 knee push ups