Monday, September 28, 2009

I Deserve This

Something that has really struck me over the last couple of weeks is that I am beginning to feel like I deserve to be active. I recognize that probably sounds really bizarre, but the truth is that I am not sure that I felt like I had the right to be working towards a fitter body until very recently.

I feel like I am only now starting to realize that I can go jogging on the street, walk into a gym’s weight room, or participate in an aerobics class. I do not believe that these options were always available to me. I know now that those types of thoughts were born not because of any shortcomings in society, but from within myself.

I got to a point where I no longer felt that I belonged anywhere that people were trying to improve their physiques. I figured that if I was caught in those places, doing those things, I would be viewed as a joke. How did I ever reach such a dismal perception?

I’m not sure if it was because it was easier to believe that other’s would laugh at or feel sorry for me if I tried to get in shape that allowed me to sit stagnant for so long. Or maybe it was due to the media’s representation of what typical women look like. It could have even been because I do remember the occasion offhanded comments from friends who perceived themselves – at under one hundred and fifty pounds – as fat, yet expressed their own hesitation to work out anywhere near those who were truly in shape. Really, the reasons behind the flawed mental process don’t much matter. What does count is that I somehow got it into my head that I didn’t deserve to be fit.

Now I know better, and I hope I never experience that pitfall again. Why would I ever second guess doing something that is exceptionally positive because of concerns over what others may think? I can’t imagine ever doing this again, especially considering that those types of thoughts are my own, not seeds planted by comments or looks from the individuals I was afraid would mock me! My imagination went unchecked for too long, but I am resigned to using my logic and reason from now on when worrying about such unfounded suspicions.

I deserve to be active. No one can take that away from me… not even myself.

- 9 glasses of water throughout the day
- 3 cups of beef and broccoli
- 1/4 cup caramel macchiato soy milk
- 3 cups of salad with lettuce, tomato, onion, green pepper, cucumber, deli turkey, grated cheese, and fat free honey mustard dressing
- 2 cups of carrots with light ranch dressing
- 2 1/2 cups of whole wheat spaghetti with mushroom tomato sauce
- 1 small slice of whole grain bread with margarine
- 1 heated pear with cinnamon
- 1 mug of decaffeinated tea with milk

- 5 sets of 15 lunges for each leg
- 5 sets of 15 squats
- 10 sets of 30 stomach crunches (4 straight, 3 right, and 3 left)
- 10 sets of 10 knee push ups
- 12 sets of walking up and down stairs (not all at one time)


  1. I completely understand your statement and the reasoning behind your former thinking.

    When I went shopping for exercise clothing in the big city, none was to be had. Gee, we're supposed to exercise yet they don't make clothing for us to do it in? And it's the same thing with going to a facility--we're supposed to get healthy, but society's perceptions really throw us off. I think it's very real--but I think it's amazing as we strike out on our own and ignore what's out there by taking care of ourselves! Good for ou!

  2. I did exactly the same thing. In fact the bigger I got I even got to the point that I resented people who did exercise. I have a post lined up about those feelings, but I felt like they were trying to "prove something." I know that's crazy.

    You have come to such an important place in your journey. I can hear your voice strengthening every day!

  3. Great growth in your heart and understanding. Your wisdom is teaching me as you deal with these aspects of your life and have the honest heart to share them with us, your readers. Thanks.

  4. Excellent post. I've done the same thing--with exercise and with other things. Great realization on your part. I'm a new visitor to your blog and looking forward to reading more.

  5. Awesome post! I've had many of the same thoughts, especially when I first started going to the gym.
    But now, I know that I deserve to be there just like everyone else, if not more so!

  6. That is your "skinny girl" coming home. Call her up everyday. Good for you!

  7. Oh I can hear my voice in your post, you put it so well. You are going all the way on this journey!!!

  8. I could totally relate to this post and to all the comments! Even now, when I run, I worry a tiny bit that other runners think I'm too fat to be out there running too, but at the same time I'm squelching those thoughts by simultaneously feeling like I'm joining the secret running club. It's a nice change!