So I decided to go for a nice long walk and about ten minutes into it I realized that a couple of the clasps on my bra had somehow worked themselves loose. I proceeded to make my way up an alley so that I would have a little more privacy rectifying the problem. However, as I started down the next lane I failed to notice the swarm of tiny flies a few feet in and had one propel itself straight into my eye. Now picture a chubby woman - trying to keep up her quick pace as she speeds down a back road, determination or stupidity undermining the good sense required to actually stop and resolve this double issue - with both hands stuffed up the back of her shirt groping at the band of her supportive undergarment while she blinks uncontrollably with a grimace stretched across her face and tears beginning to form in her eyes.
Yeah. I am pure class. Somehow I managed to re-clasp my bra and remove the offending insect - or, at least, the offending insect’s corpse - from my extremely irritated eyeball all by the time I got to the end of that alley and reemerged onto the main streets. Now fast forward about twenty minutes.
This was the point that I realized I would need to ingest less protein than usual today. At the exact same moment as I took a deep breath a totally different – and unfortunately larger – fly decided to make a beeline for the back of my throat at top speed. It was like the sucker was on some kamikaze mission meant to avenge the death of his fallen brethren! I coughed and sputtered for all I was worth and even stuck my finger into my mouth, trying to dislodge the tiny bugger to no avail. Eventually the impulse was just too strong and I had to swallow! Gag! I am certain the look of pure disgust on my face at that moment sent a team of spying satisfied insects back to their headquarters where they were able to report on a successfully delivered revenge.
Wait, I’m not done… Although much less vulgar than the first couple of instances, I also managed to squeeze two more irritants into a simple walk. Approximately five minutes after swallowing the suicidal critter, I went to push the button for a pedestrian light and broke a nail. Seriously?! At this point I openly chuckled to myself over the absurdity of the entire situation and undoubtedly amused a number of onlookers as they drove past. All they saw was some odd chick in a disheveled shirt on the corner laughing out loud, staring with only one good eye at her middle finger, and intermittently attempting to spit out random fly bits.
Then it rained. I think I may have given the sky the bird with my messed up fingernail at that point.
Ahh… the hazards of getting in shape.