Sad

I am sad. Really sad. It’s the type of sad that means that earlier I woke up from a nap because I was laying on the couch for so long doing nothing but feeling upset and wounded that sleep eventually overcame my depression.

I wouldn’t be writing about this in a health journal, but I think I should explore how these types of emotions make me react to food and exercise. I believe that there is a lot to be said about how my choices have been affected in the past by the feelings I experience.

Not much leads me to the desire to devour an entire bag of cookies or order a large pizza with cheese crammed into every crevice or rush out to the corner store to stock up on a collection of candy and chocolate bars than when I feel neglected by the people that I love. This isn’t a knock against them – they have their own problems to deal with and I can respect that – but my understanding doesn’t change my gut reaction to feeling unimportant.

When I feel this way I want to eat. I want to cram as much sweet, salty, fatty, good tasting food down my gullet as quickly as I can. I would love to just be able to concentrate on the pleasantness that comes with ice cream, pastries, and savoury crackers spread with thick cream cheese. I feel the desire to gorge myself until I can’t eat anymore and then order in greasy egg rolls or go out for a huge portion of fettuccine alfredo. I want to control what I consume rather than be consumed by the negativity.

When I feel this way I don’t want to do anything even remotely active. I do not want to go for a walk, read a book, or play games. Even the trip that would be required to procure crappy foods meant to soothe my distress seems like it would require a monumental effort to complete. All I want to do is curl up in front of the television in an attempt to shut my self depreciating thoughts off; the concept of exercise certainly does not even come into play when I have sunk this low.

When I feel this way I say hateful things to myself. My brain won’t let up, but instead finds deeper, more outlandish reasons to remain upset. I start to doubt my friendships and the importance of the role that I play in the lives of others. I wonder why they demand my availability, but refuse to step up when I am in need. My loneliness consumes me even as my husband puts his arms around me. I think about giving up on this journey of weight loss and health; no one even notices anyhow and I have so much further to go still. It’s all overwhelming. I wonder if people will do more than simply attend my funeral and cry a few necessary tears when my time has finally come to leave this world. Have I had an impact on anyone?

I have long fought my own sensitivities. My fatal flaw has always been that I expect of other people what I am willing to give them, and I am not sure that anyone can really live up to that notion. I know this yet, every once in a while, I make the mistake of having an expectation… and then I live with the consequence of being let down. I continue to make the error of thinking that what I want is simple, so of course I end up disappointed. But, isn’t being important to your loved ones something that should come easy? I don’t know anymore.

I hate feeling this way. Being sad and fighting to stay on track – to not just scrap this whole thing and give up – is extremely difficult. Right now I find the effort needed to stay focused on my final goal is exhausting and waning, and I have a hard time struggling with these complex emotions. I am tired of this puzzle, and I know that cheesecake is blessedly uncomplicated.

FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 9 glasses of water throughout the day
- 1 nectarine
- 1/2 glass of caramel macchiato soy milk
- 1/4 slice of toasted rye bread with margarine
- 4 large crackers
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli sliced turkey and ham, grated cheese, lettuce, dried cranberries, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 mug of vanilla steamed soy milk
- 8 pieces of a dynamite sushi roll with soy sauce
- 1 1/2 cups of cobb salad with lettuce, chicken, grape tomatoes, bacon bits, black olives, hard boiled egg, grated cheese, green onion, and fat free rancher’s choice dressing

EXERCISE:
- 6 sets of 15 lunges for each leg
- 6 sets of 15 squats
- 6 sets of 10 knee push ups
- 6 sets of 30 stomach crunches (2 straight, 2 right, and 2 left)
- 4 sets of 2 minutes of weight lifting with 5 lbs per arm
- 45 minute walk