Thursday, October 8, 2009


I am sad. Really sad. It’s the type of sad that means that earlier I woke up from a nap because I was laying on the couch for so long doing nothing but feeling upset and wounded that sleep eventually overcame my depression.

I wouldn’t be writing about this in a health journal, but I think I should explore how these types of emotions make me react to food and exercise. I believe that there is a lot to be said about how my choices have been affected in the past by the feelings I experience.

Not much leads me to the desire to devour an entire bag of cookies or order a large pizza with cheese crammed into every crevice or rush out to the corner store to stock up on a collection of candy and chocolate bars than when I feel neglected by the people that I love. This isn’t a knock against them – they have their own problems to deal with and I can respect that – but my understanding doesn’t change my gut reaction to feeling unimportant.

When I feel this way I want to eat. I want to cram as much sweet, salty, fatty, good tasting food down my gullet as quickly as I can. I would love to just be able to concentrate on the pleasantness that comes with ice cream, pastries, and savoury crackers spread with thick cream cheese. I feel the desire to gorge myself until I can’t eat anymore and then order in greasy egg rolls or go out for a huge portion of fettuccine alfredo. I want to control what I consume rather than be consumed by the negativity.

When I feel this way I don’t want to do anything even remotely active. I do not want to go for a walk, read a book, or play games. Even the trip that would be required to procure crappy foods meant to soothe my distress seems like it would require a monumental effort to complete. All I want to do is curl up in front of the television in an attempt to shut my self depreciating thoughts off; the concept of exercise certainly does not even come into play when I have sunk this low.

When I feel this way I say hateful things to myself. My brain won’t let up, but instead finds deeper, more outlandish reasons to remain upset. I start to doubt my friendships and the importance of the role that I play in the lives of others. I wonder why they demand my availability, but refuse to step up when I am in need. My loneliness consumes me even as my husband puts his arms around me. I think about giving up on this journey of weight loss and health; no one even notices anyhow and I have so much further to go still. It’s all overwhelming. I wonder if people will do more than simply attend my funeral and cry a few necessary tears when my time has finally come to leave this world. Have I had an impact on anyone?

I have long fought my own sensitivities. My fatal flaw has always been that I expect of other people what I am willing to give them, and I am not sure that anyone can really live up to that notion. I know this yet, every once in a while, I make the mistake of having an expectation… and then I live with the consequence of being let down. I continue to make the error of thinking that what I want is simple, so of course I end up disappointed. But, isn’t being important to your loved ones something that should come easy? I don’t know anymore.

I hate feeling this way. Being sad and fighting to stay on track – to not just scrap this whole thing and give up – is extremely difficult. Right now I find the effort needed to stay focused on my final goal is exhausting and waning, and I have a hard time struggling with these complex emotions. I am tired of this puzzle, and I know that cheesecake is blessedly uncomplicated.

- 9 glasses of water throughout the day
- 1 nectarine
- 1/2 glass of caramel macchiato soy milk
- 1/4 slice of toasted rye bread with margarine
- 4 large crackers
- 1 wrap on a soft tortilla shell with deli sliced turkey and ham, grated cheese, lettuce, dried cranberries, fat free Miracle Whip, mustard, and pepper
- 1 mug of vanilla steamed soy milk
- 8 pieces of a dynamite sushi roll with soy sauce
- 1 1/2 cups of cobb salad with lettuce, chicken, grape tomatoes, bacon bits, black olives, hard boiled egg, grated cheese, green onion, and fat free rancher’s choice dressing

- 6 sets of 15 lunges for each leg
- 6 sets of 15 squats
- 6 sets of 10 knee push ups
- 6 sets of 30 stomach crunches (2 straight, 2 right, and 2 left)
- 4 sets of 2 minutes of weight lifting with 5 lbs per arm
- 45 minute walk


  1. I felt so bad for you while reading this post. The emotional side of food was harder for me to deal with than the physical side. I can relate to what you are feeling today, and I'm sorry.

    I don't have your answers, but I can tell you that I'm thinking of you. From your blog I can tell you are a caring person, and I bet your friends and family know that.

    Take care of yourself. Cheesecake may be uncomplicated going down, but the emotions that come after it are not. You have had so much success to this point and you can reach your goal.


  2. You wrote about feeling neglected by the people you love and feeling unimportant. What about you? People, even loved ones, will always disappoint in some way. It's human nature. But you have to see yourself as important and loved by you. Don't neglect yourself. You deserve to be healthy and happy.

  3. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your feelings are valid, you don't have to rationalize them. All you can do is accept this is a bad time and know it *will* end. You know from other times, it won't last forever, it *will* end and you *will* feel better.

    I don't know you to know if you are clinically depressed and this is a particularly bad episode or if this is situational, but either way, you are NOT alone and you have to make yourself take strength from that. You have to take strength from the fact you are on this journey for YOU and only YOU. We aren't given the strength we need - we have to take it where we can find it. You are doing this - there is no reason to think one bad day is going to derail you. Even if you succumb to cheesecake and other foods - it is just one day.

    You will recover. You will get through this.


  4. Okay lady! It's going to be just fine. Be proud that it is off your chest. Remember that food is not going to fix your situation because it is only a distraction/avoidance. If you turn to those foods you will feel worse about yourself because of the emotional attachment you have with them. Just continue to blog about your feelings and exercise. I made a choice many years ago not to expect much from people and it has paid off. Surround yourself with kindness and run with it. Good luck and stay strong!

  5. I love what everyone else has already said. I get these feelings, too, so I know EXACTLY how you're feeling. And when you're in the middle of it, it's hard to tell yourself to snap out of it.
    Once you're past this point, try to make plans for the next time you feel this way. What can you do to feel better? For me, it's knowing that I have the power to change how I feel. I have to take care of myself - I can't wait for someone else to do it for me. And I know that I will feel 10x's worse if I medicate myself with food.
    I hope you find your happiness again very soon!

  6. Hang in there. Don't let that little voice in your head ruin all your hard work. That little voice will only bring you down. You are very important to your family and they notice the healthy changes you have made. We all care about you and cheer for ever achievement you make! It show us that we can do this too!

  7. Ugh, I know just how you feel, especially about sadness compelling you to find more and more reasons to stay sad and feel worse even, and how you expect your friends and family to give you as much as you are willing to give them but they don't seem to see it that way. :-(

  8. I'm so sorry that you are going through this!!
    Tell that little voice that you don't have a clue who he's talking to. That person is no longer there. :)
    You have done so well with activity and eating lately. Don't let this one day ruin all of that progress.

  9. Many of us have fought off similar feelings. It has always surprised me that a brain whose primary function should be self-preservation would send such sorry signals out in terms of craving crappy foods and telling us to forego the exercise that will make us feel so much better. People tell me that I should listen to my body, but my body often tells me to grab a bag of chips and go watch an entire season of some stupid TV show while remaining perfectly motionless. I've decided that it's time for my body to listen to me for a while.

    Good luck snapping this funk...

  10. You did a brilliant job of expressing your pain. I totally agree with you that food is the perfect (yet poison) antidote at times like these. I think sleep was an excellent alternative. I wish you the best in sorting your way out of this, and I know you will get through it and continue on your way.

  11. I am so sorry you are having such difficulties. I certainly wish there was a magic button to push that would help clear your mind of these negativities. The path we are taking is a long one, and one bound to frustrate and depress us. Just know that we are all out here to help in any way we can. I have found that doing anything, anything at all that resembles movement helps. I wish you all the best, and will be holding good thoughts for you.

  12. Like your other comments, I get it. I know the incredible need to shove food down to make it okay. You've made a difference in my life 266! You've encouraged me, shared of yourself, taken time to read me, taught through your make a difference alright!

    Get well.

  13. Emotional eating is very hard on both the body and the mind. I know it.
    I don't know what to tell you... I just want you to know that I'm here. I'm listening (reading) and I will support you.
    Don't neglect yourself. YOU must care for you. Don't expect from others... expect from yourself FOR yourself.
    God Bless.

  14. I hope you are feeling better, dearie. That is a wretched feeling. I am so glad you have a nice husband to put arms around you. You know, of course, that numbing your body with gorging is simple at the moment, but complicated later. Personally I find that food doesn't help. Sadness is just something you have to live through until it passes.

    *I've* noticed a tremendous difference in how you look, and every day your posts are full of energy and excitement. Ride this out-- we'll be here.

  15. I feel this way too. I feel like I sometimes give more than I get and when I expect something in return I am let down.
    I am reminded about the saying "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"
    I think it applies to these feelings too.
    We are who we are and when we are hurt we need to feel it and learn from it.
    Kudos to you for taking steps to understand what drives you to make bad food choices! And to not make bad food choices when you feel sad!
    You are growing and will continue to do so!

  16. Sending big hugs and more, I so kknow what yiou are feeling and if knowing that everyone who has commented so far knows and understands what you are going through. I hope it gives you some comfort and strength to get back to being the wonderful person you are.

    You are an inspiration.

    love and hugs


  17. Awww, sweetie, I wish I had the right words for you. I don't know what to say except that, I've been there, and it sucks, and I hope you don't have to be there for long.

    My heart goes out to you. Try to stay strong, try not to give into temptation. This, too, shall pass.

  18. I'm too tired to read through the comments, but...

    What you're feeling--I've felt. For me, when I get the stinking thinking, I look myself in the eye (literally, in front of the mirror) and remind myself that I am my best friend. What I would do for my friends, I do for myself.

    This really sucks, but I think bringing it out, talking it out, getting support is the best thing you can do.