Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I Never Expected To Feel This Way

There is a drawback to losing weight. At least, I have suddenly become very aware of something that I am unhappy with due to my loss of pounds and inches. I never thought I would feel this way, but a part of me is very sad about the changes I see in the mirror.

Really, this all started with my last progress picture. I can see the differences. With my September and October photographs I had a hard time identifying the fruits of my labour; I couldn’t see how major the changes were that my body was going through. Now, I can.

And I actually feel sort of awful about it. I look at the image of myself from the beginning of this blog and compare it to my recent one and I realize just how far I have come… which also shows me just how far I had let myself go. How could I have ever let myself get to such a neglected state?

As long as I was not seeing the differences, I was alright. I could lie to myself and reassure the internal me that I carried it well. Unconscious thoughts like, “hey, look, I’ve lost forty pounds and can’t really tell! Guess I couldn’t have looked too bad to begin with,” must have been floating around in my head all the time before. And now? Now it makes me want to cry when I see what drastic alterations I have brought about with only three months of work.

I am not saying that this has been easy. I am not saying that I want to revert to the old me. I am, however, saying that it makes me sad to see what I did to myself when I look back at the proof.

My wedding pictures - and many other precious memories captured on film - will always be those of the fat bride and woman. The experiences from the last fifteen plus years will forever be marred by the limitations I imposed on myself because of this overweight body. I will have never been anything but technically obese in my twenties. These are unalterable realities.

Yes, I am making the changes now and I feel great about that, yet I can’t help but also feel a sense of loss for what I had never known I was missing. Losing weight is hard in so many ways.


  1. Thank you for this... for being inspiring to me as I start my journey.. I'm at the exact same starting spot!

  2. thanks for being so honest. i finally just posted my "before" pictures today. i had to come to terms with the fact that i will always look back on those pictures and be upset that i had let myself get that far. that all those fantastic memories are memories plus. Plus the extra weight.

    I really wanted to lose some significant weight before my sister's wedding because i knew those pictures would be around my family for all time. I got a lot off by then, so I know I can look at those pictures and be happy, even as I continue to lose. But yeah, I want to get the rest of this junk off before any more great stuff happens in my life. :)

    Keep going, I can totally see all the changes in your progress pix, especially in this last one. You look fantastic! I love seeing the light that is coming through your arms and tiny waist! GREAT JOB! :)

  3. Those pictures are a snapshot of a moment in time. As your body changes, your snapshot in time changes. It all makes up the person you are: history and all.

  4. I'm really glad that I found your blog! I was just clicking along looking for some motivating ones and yours is definately one that I will continue to follow! Keep up the amazing work!

  5. I know how you feel. I feel it too. I WAS thin for my wedding pictures but I was extremely overweight for the ENTIRE DURATION of my children's childhood, including both my daughters' weddings. What a waste. It's a truly awful feeling. And I was trying to lose weight the entire time. But I know how excited others are to see such a transformation in someone who loses and maintains a great weight loss. I'm hoping there will great excitement in the family when I can do things again. Like ride a bike, and walk at a faster speed. It doesn't change the past, which I regret, but it's all I can do, and I'm doing it. No option on that.

  6. I understand your feelings, but please remember that YOU are more than a number, more than a size. That bride is still the YOU with gifts, strengths and passions that your groom fell in love with. I understand the regret of not doing it sooner, but you wouldn't be who you are this very minute if you hadn't been that obese woman in her 20's.

  7. Hi.

    First off, you have done so well. I am so proud of you. KEEP IT UP!! :)

    This is all part of the journey. You have to (and will) go through all sorts of emotions to get you to the end! This is a very honest post and the fact that you wrote about these feelings is a huge step and just substantiates that you are progressing through your transformation journey.

    I know how you're feeling. I am currently looking for old pix of myself to post as I approach my one year anniversary and looking at some of those pics have brought me to tears!! What's interesting is that at the time, I thought I looked GREAT, I never realized that I let myself "slip" that far!! I knew I had a "few" pounds to lose but never actually realized how I looked!!

    Now that 70+ pounds is gone, I love the new image in the mirror and what I've realized is that I am the same person, just stronger, smarter and healthier!! I am making myself a priority, which in turn reflects in the image in the mirror. I will now make those wise choices that will keep the image that I currently like, no LOVE seeing!!

    You hang in there and keep on keeping on!

  8. Funny cause I just wrote about this in my last post. I think it's okay to feel your feelings and move through them. But don't forget that those were good years in a loving relationship with, I trust, rewarding friendships and fun activities. You're fixing the weight problem now, which is better than five years from now or fifteen or twenty years or never. Some people never manage to fix it but that doesn't mean they or their lives were not wonderful and rewarding, right? So be as gentle with yourself as you would be with them! Ciao!

  9. No sense in feeling bad about what you can't do anything about. Focus all that intensity on making every day of this journey a successful one. We all wish we had done differently in the past, but celebrate the fact that you recognized the problem and started doing something about it.

  10. ah, I know what you mean..You know what I really regret. The years and years I spent hiding from the camera. You wouldn't know I had ever existed. My poor husband, if I had come up missing and the police had asked for recent photos they would have assumed I was dead and that he had buried me somewhere in the last six years or so. You know the great thing about all those pictures. You were in them, creating memories with your family. You got to live and experience things. Whenever I get too down on myself , I go to a blog about a little boy who is dying, he is only three. That is unfair. How can I be unhappy when I have gotten to live my life whatever it may have been. I thank god daily, and I thank God that you figured yourself out and are on the way to being healthy so you can experience so many more days with your husband and family. Keep up the good work.

  11. Look at you! Awesome job lady.

    I want to hear about the new you and your plans for this new person. Try to connect with the new by embracing her and showing her love.

    For me I had to put girl-22 in the ground and girl-20 in the ground and girl-18 in the ground and my plan is to continue to put those sizes in the ground until I find the size that works for me and the one that I can live with comfortably. I have not been below a size 14 in over 30 years so I am looking forward to seeing the new me. Those girls are gone for good.

    Keep doing and loving you.

  12. Thank you all for your kind words! You are sometimes more than I could ever hope for with all your support and understanding.

    One thing that I do feel compelled to clarify though is that I absolutely do not regret anything. I am actually very happy with the person I am and the life I have and I would never dream about changing anything that has ever happened in my past since it was a part of what got me to today. I have gone through awful things and joyous ones too, but I refuse to live with a single regret! I apologize if my post incorrectly hinted that I wished I could change things; I meant only to vent the feelings I was having about this particular and unexpected emotional reaction.

  13. You have a healthy perspective and attitude about your weight loss. There is something very different between reflecting and regretting. Congratulations on your results.

  14. Well, I have to say I understand feeling regret for the past. There are things I'll never have for my youth that I was supposed to have, you know. And maybe some of it was due to obesity, but that's not specifically what I regret the most. But on the other hand, those days are already lived, I had my good time then, there's no point spending time unhappy about the past that you should be spending in the present. That's from Advice Nanny.