I had a weird experience this evening. I actually can not remember the last time that something like this happened. A friend of mine offered me a couple of hand me downs.
The woman who had me try on her old jackets has – in my opinion – a really great body. She is not stick-thin, but is very petite and looks great in pretty much anything she wears. Granted the two coats she asked if I wanted to have were too large for her, but they were hanging in her closet and had been used by her in the past. One of them is a medium and the other is a size 10… and they (more or less) fit.
They are a little tight around my hips and I suspect that I will get more use out of them come Spring, after a few more pounds have been shed, but they are definitely items that I think fit well enough that even now I would not hesitate to wear them out in public. I am astounded. I don’t even really know how to compute any of this. To be honest, it is a little overwhelming.
How can a woman who weighs 266 pounds fit into the clothes of a person nearly half that size? I know that I am not that weight anymore – that I have lost 75 of those pounds and that I will continue that downward trend – but I guess sometimes it just doesn’t yet register that I am beginning to enter the realm of normal sized items. Some days it does; there have been lots of occasions when I stare down at my body and think that it is finally coming into sync with how I feel and how I believe I should look. But, with something like this where I am faced with trying on the clothing of a woman whom I still believe to be tiny in comparison to myself, I feel like my perception is all out of whack. My brain is having trouble catching up to the reality of my situation, I suppose.
Unnerved, I think, is the word I would use to describe how I felt standing there, buttoned into the second jacket, knowing full well that the first one fitting had not simply been a fluke. I actually had to choke back a couple of tears. I can’t even claim that they would have been happy tears either; I believe they were more due to a fear of the unknown than anything else.
I am sitting here shaking my head as I type right now. I don’t know where this sudden onslaught of confused emotions came from considering the experience was a positive one. I should be thrilled that I am getting to this point in my journey. But somewhere, in the deepest recesses of my mind, sits a 266 pound girl looking out through my eyes with disbelief in her own. She is certain that this is a trick, and I am not sure of what I can do to convince her otherwise.
FOOD & BEVERAGES:
- 9 glasses of water throughout the day
- 1 pear
- 1 crepe with strawberries, whipped cream, and icing sugar and cocoa mix
- 1 banana
- 1 cup seasoned rice with egg and vegetables
- 1 chicken honey mustard breast
- 1/2 cup pan-fried peppers
- 1/2 slice of cucumber
- 2 bites of a piece of cheese
- 2 1/2 cups broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots with sweet onion dressing
EXERCISE:
- 20 minute walk
- 2 sets of 2 minutes of weight lifting with 10 lbs per arm while laying down
- 2 sets of 50 stomach crunches
- 2 sets of 10 knee push ups
- 2 sets of 15 bent leg donkey kicks for each leg
- 2 sets of 10 back extensions
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It is wonderful & amazing that you have lost so much weight & yes, it is overwhelming!!! The emotions & "reality" are hard to deal with at times. People do not realize this but those that have lost weight understand it.
ReplyDeleteI lost my weight years ago & still see that fat little kid in the mirror at times. Yes, there are days it still stares back at me!
It takes time to get used to the new you & don't even let that "other person" in the mirror let you go backwards. You just keep pushing on to the healthier you!
I know the emotions are tough but how exciting that you are in those clothes!
I know exactly what you mean. I feel thrilled and amazed by all these changes, but also anxious and disbelieving. It's like any moment I could wake up to find that this is all just me deluding myself.
ReplyDeleteYou have extremely well and deserve to fit into those clothes. I've only lost a bit, but now when I look in the mirror I'm pretty happy with what I see and that was a huge moment for me (after years of hating what I saw). Revel in it, cry a little, and then embrace the fact that YOU wear normal clothes now.
ReplyDeleteWell done
Barb
Those exact feelings have hit me before too. I think they must be "normal", as I've read about them on Sean Anderson's blog too. It was not being able to deal with those feelings that sent me reeling back last time, but they don't have to. It's difficult to live in our new bodies, as odd as that sounds. Who am I? Am I the same person? It's a lot to work through and deal with but having each other sure helps. This post validated my feelings and my past feelings...especially the not necessarily tears of joy part. Bravo for voicing the deepest thoughts of many on this journey. I know it helped many.
ReplyDeleteIt's probably just an optional illusion.
ReplyDeleteYou see yourself at a size that you simply aren't anymore.
Oh, you just touched my heart this morning. If I ever needed a reason to keep going, your post today reminds me of how this is like a roller coaster ride - both terrifying and exciting.
ReplyDeleteYou bring up a very important topic for those of us starting to wear more "normal" than "plus" sizes. Of course it's wonderful on the one hand, but on the other there IS fear of the unknown - you put it beautifully. I remember when I had my 1 year AA anniversary - of course I was thrilled, but somewhere deep down the was the conflicting notion, "Wow, this might really work, and am I sure I want it?" I did and still do, but the change represents saying goodbye to a carload of old behaviors and habits that were our coping strategies for a long time! Feels a little like letting go of a trapeze bar with no net below!
ReplyDeleteThis post really helps me identify the conflict that still resides deep in my psyche. You'll get through the conflict, but it may be with you for awhile as you continue to grow into your new incarnation (or shrink into it)!
It does take time for your mind to catch up with how your body really looks.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the smaller clothes!
When my tiny best friend mailed me some of her pants that she had "undergrown" (she went on WW) and they fit me - I was in a state of shock. I've never, ever been able to wear her clothes...and we met over 30 years ago, in high school! So yeah, I totally get what you're feeling. Congratulations on fitting into the coats - you are doing so well!!!
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the smaller clothes!
ReplyDeleteThere's an article about just this sort of thing that you can find if you Google "Phantom Fat." I think it's something that we all experience when we've lost a lot of weight.
ReplyDeleteI think the feelings you're having a perfectly normal, and are the reason why a lot of people don't keep the weight off. I'm not saying you're going to gain it back! What I'm saying is that the emotional part of weight is much harder to resolve, and may take a lot longer than the physical weight loss.
ReplyDeleteI think if you keep working through these feelings, you will eventually come to accept your new, smaller self. It's great that you are aware of these feelings - I think that makes a big difference!
You look FANTASTIC lady! I am so glad up updated since you got to Onderland.
ReplyDeleteYou have done so well! Congratulations for that!
ReplyDeleteI know it is hard sometimes to really "get" that the pounds we have lost have made such a difference in how we look.
Your mind will "get" it soon.
This blog helps so much to really get all of these feelings out and to identify them for what they are. All of your comments are a huge comfort to me as I, once more, know that I am not alone on this journey.
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely NOT alone. I started blogging after my friend told me how much it has helped her with accountability and in getting new ideas and increasing her motivation. It's such a struggle to keep going in your weight loss journey when there are so many emotional ties to food (stress, happiness, etc.) Keep up the great work!
ReplyDelete