Monday, December 14, 2009

Remembering The Past

About six and a half years ago I lost a little more than forty pounds from my previous high weight of 232. I didn’t really change my substantially damaging diet, but rather took up biking for a few months. I was quite successful in the short term regardless of how I failed to implement more sustainable changes. I got down to the weight that I am at right now – 190 – and then I gave up.

This is the absolute lowest weight that my husband has ever seen me at. It is the amount I last felt really and truly great at, and it is what I weighed in the last few photographs of me where I felt natural and beautiful and like the pictures actually reflected back whom I believe myself to be.

It is a great weight, but also a dangerous one.

I am scared that all of these great feelings that I generally have right now – all of the pleasure and self-esteem I have gotten from feeling like my body is no longer some misshapen lump of clay – will trick me into becoming lazy. I worry that I will become complacent about food and working out because I already feel like I have accomplished so much.

I still want to lose a lot more weight. I still need to become fitter so that I can be a role model to my future children and have a better chance at living a long and happy life. I don’t want to just give up again.

I know that the choice is mine and I think that identifying these fears will go a long way to deterring the outcome I wish to avoid. It’s hard not to be scared right now considering I am in the exact same place I was when I let it all go last time. One day at a time… one day at a time…

13 comments:

  1. oh my god, i know exactly what you are feeling right now! congratulations on your loss and please remember that you can push through the fear and get to the other side! one day at a time is the way to do it!

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  2. Oh yes, the fears. They like to get in the way, but we are bigger than the fears!!! We're going to make it!

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  3. Yes, fears are always there but the lesson is to get by them. All these bumps in the road will happen over & over in different ways & the key is to find out how to work thru them.. what is best for you.

    I always remember when I was heavy & how bad it felt & the teasing & such & I just never want to go back there!

    YOU CAN DO THIS!

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  4. If you know what your barriers are it is easier to break through them. I think you have this covered.

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  5. I can totally relate... and the time of the year doesn't help.

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  6. You have learnt such a lot on this journey and you are now a lot wiser that you have ever been. You are going all the way this time, no doubt about it. Feel the fear and do it anyway!!

    Hugs

    Sheilagh

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  7. I feel EXACTLY the way that you described. Spooky.

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  8. I have been there done that and gained it back as well.
    positives...so have you.
    YOu know how your mind works, and what it is telling you or about to tell you.
    I was in the 190's for two years before my last pregnancy and subsequent ballooning to 262 lbs.
    I swore all the time, if I could just get back to the 190's, I would not take it for granted...I would fight.
    And so I am...I am looking for 189 cause for me...the 190's do not exist...they are just one long 200.
    Keep going.

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  9. I WILL keep on going! I REFUSE to throw in the towel just because of some nerves and not so great past choices. I will make this happen!!!

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  10. You can do this. I feel better then what I did 15 pds ago but I want to weigh less then mu husband so bad that I have to keep going. Take one day and a time! You have come so far!

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  11. I can remember going through the fear stage, breaking through it with determination and gritted teeth was the only way.

    The fear has almost completely gone now, I do worry a bit, but I do know I can overcome it - as will you!

    I think you are doing SO WELL and am glad to be able to witness your progress!

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  12. I think the fact that you are registering the fear is a good sign that you will not let yourself get into old habits again.

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