Monday, March 22, 2010

Slippery Slope

I am actually feeling a bit concerned right now. Both today and on Saturday I gave into some poorer eating choices, but I am having little remorse over the decisions I made. I feel like these types of days have been sneaking back in just a tad since the start of the year, and I really need to make sure that this is not the start of a trend that will send me back into an unhealthy body.

I want this! I have come too far and worked too hard to let myself lose sight of my goals. I don’t want to start losing my footing on some slippery slope that will see me falling face first into a deep-fried, full-fat, high-calorie, no-nutritional-value-whatsoever, all-you-can-eat dessert and fast food buffet. I have dug my way out of that hole already; why am I risking behaviors that can lead me back into the dark?

I need to get my act together. I know that I have done well so far and that I have nothing to complain about in regards to my weekly weigh-ins, but I am also positive that I could be doing better. I am getting lazy. I know myself, and the habits I have allowed to trickle back into my routine will eventually begin to accumulate – both as an impediment to my general progress and on the scale.

It’s time to recommit. I have to refocus and figure out what my motivation is right now. Why is this important to me?

There have been so many good habits that I have adopted over the past seven months – and most of the time they get me through the days that I lack enthusiasm – but it really helps me to have underlying reasons to accomplish my goals. I must rediscover what those factors are for me, or at least find new ones to help me through the next little while. I have to figure this out…

…and here’s the worst part: I wrote all of the above a couple of hours before posting, knowing full well that I was about to go to the kitchen to hunt for more food in an attempt to round off this bad eating spell prior to admitting to it. I figured that if I was bringing attention to the problem in an attempt to counter it that I may as well enjoy a few last bites before I tackled the issue. This is the same attitude that I had when I used to stuff my face the night before going on a diet. Plus, at one point when I was standing there eating and then heard my husband coming, I turned towards the sink so that he wouldn’t see me continuing to stuff my face with chocolate smeared across my mouth. I even had a couple of tears roll down my cheeks when I caught myself justifying more and more food even after just eating and, again, when I realized I had given myself a stomach ache from consuming so much.

I hate posting this – it feels awful to confess to these behaviors and I actually want to bawl right now – but I have to make sure that I am holding myself accountable even when I am doing something I am far from proud of. I normally feel like I have worked through the majority of my food issues. I think that, by and large, I am finally coping with eating in a regular manner that exemplifies moderation. Then there are days like today.

- 8 glasses of water
- 1 banana
- 4 cups Caesar salad with baby shrimp, Parmesan cheese, and croutons
- 6 yam fries with spicy mayonnaise dip
- 6 bites garlic focaccia bread
- 2/3 banana pastry dessert with whipped cream and 1 scoop of vanilla ice cream
- 1 bite chocolate brownie dessert with vanilla ice cream
- 3/4 cup fat free strawberry yogurt with 1 cup Vector cereal
- 1 cup green frozen beans, broccoli, and onions
- 1/4 cup mashed potatoes with margarine
- 3 slices brown sugar and mustard glazed ham with mustard
- 3 white chocolate covered strawberries
- 1 slice of homemade coconut fudge bar
- 2 mugs of chai tea with honey and milk
- 9 pieces of a California sushi roll with soy sauce
- 7 large whole grain crackers with cheese
- 4 bites of a Double Decker chocolate bar
- 1 toasted English muffin with 2 light Laughing Cow wedges
- 1 Tb light peanut butter with chocolate chips

- 30 stomach crunches


  1. wow, great job...putting it out there takes the rosy tinge off it. It can't be a secret if you don't let it.
    That is one h*ll of a way to combat an eating urge.
    Hope tomorrow is better for you.

  2. Well done on putting it all out there, its the best way I've found to take away the excitement and glamour - I know that's a silly word, but its kind of true - of a secret binge. But don't be too hard on yourself though - its good to reassess, recognise the signs of danger and make a decision to recommit, but you're not perfect and you have to let yourself accept that as well or the unrealistic expectations will only make you feel worse and need comfort more. I know you know that, but sometimes its hard to remember it when you're already feeling low. The other thing to bear in mind is that this probably seems worse to you now than it probably would have a year or two ago precisely BECAUSE its now so rare and you've made so much progress, so in a sideways backwards kind of way it is a reflection of your achievements
    I'm sure you'll have a better day today now that you have thought things through.

  3. 266, I think this is more common than you think. Some people get frustrated, others just tired of the hard work, others are getting so close & there is that fear of failure OR meeting others expectations.

    I am have a post on this tomorrow & Thursday. Please stop by & read it & maybe it will help...


  4. You put it out there for all of us to read. That is brave and it also reminds everybody, including yourself, that you are not perfect. You have had spectacular success, but that doesn't mean you won't have times when you struggle. This is one of those struggles and by journaling it and admitting it is a problem, you will be able to pick yourself up and recommit to your goals and to the healthy life you want to live! Hugs!!!

  5. It's never easy being honest! props to you for that. You know where you went wrong - tell your husband to help - and move forward.

  6. Hey, first congratulations on your success so far and you look marvelous! Really, you are inspiring. This post spoke to me as I had a rough week or two, and I totally understand your feelings. But you wrote down what you ate, you posted here, and you are aware of it. Make the next meal you eat a healthy one. Do something today you couldn't do 100 pounds ago. Put on some makeup and some clothes that show off your great body and turn around and keep walking in the right direction. It's not the falling off that's a problem, it's never getting back on. (I think I wrote this comment for me, but I hope it helps you too!)

  7. Been there, done that. I wish I had the magic key for you to unlock the secret answer. Definitely kudos, like everyone said, to think it through and write it down. Rooting for a turn-around for you!!!

  8. I think most of us have had those days - hope you are feeling better!

  9. back to basics. That's my advice. You've done it - you've lost over 100 pounds, you look awesome. But you are human. And this is still a journey. Not a race with a buffet at the finish line (don't we all wish!)
    Go back and re-read your own words - what got you through your struggles in the past? Try and tap into that...and good luck. It's never smooth sailing but the views from where you're at are worth it!! hang in there!

  10. I totally understand this. I had lost 160 pounds. I maintained in a 10 lb range for 6 months. I slowly started getting lazy and allowing old behaviors to creep in. When I gained 5, 10, and 15...I big deal that's not a lot to lose. I ended up gaining back almost 70...big deal now.

    I don't tell you this to frustrate you by any means. I just want you to know I've been there and didn't pull it together quick enough.

    Be kind to yourself. Try not to beat yourself up about slipping too much. If you want something "forbidden", maybe truly allow yourself a portion.

    My heart goes out to you. This is a hard long process and old habits die really slowly. Hang in there girl :)

  11. Wow. Thank you all - your support and advice are more than I could ever hope for.

  12. It is a process. YOu have not done anything irreversible. Yes, there are consequences. But no, this doesn't turn you back into the person you were before 7 months ago. Those months happened and you will never be able to take them back. Which is an excellent thing.

    Maybe you need to maintain for a few weeks and work on realizing that you can stabilize.

  13. Is anything going on emotionally right now, ie are you stressed, upset, lonely or angry? Check in and slow down...
    9 weight loss

  14. Accountability is a wonderful thing. Maybe you'd like to try a new form of activity? Just about time to start hiking again in our part of the world.

  15. I'm doing the exact same thing lately, but I'm not far enough from my absolute "no!" weight to get away with it.

    One of my friends says that the more she gets off track, the harder it is to get back on, so she forces herself to be very strict with the eating for 2 weeks. Then, she says, it gets easier to behave, even without being totally strict. I was thinking of trying it out. I'd sure love some company so that we could keep each other accountable... *hint, hint!*

    Lemme know! :o)

  16. More excellent advice - thank you!

    Stephanie, I honestly don't think anything was wrong emotionally. I was feeling tired and I think I just let the fight go out of me temporarily. Thank you for making me take a second look though. :)

    Lainey, I am up for at least a clean eating weekend if you would like! I try so hard to eat intuitively, but the weekends are always a little easier to find things to give into...

  17. Like JBD said, you didn't do anything that you can't fix. I think you are losing so fast, your mind has to play a bit of catch up.

  18. Wow, that's incredibly brave of you to post a binge. I can't even imagine (I shudder at the thought of bingeing, but recoil in horror at the thought of sharing it with the world) I will take this as a warning to watch my own slippery slope, I definitely get lazy and give in to convenience more than I should.

    I hate to say this, but I wonder if you have to fight so hard because you lost so fast? As Jenn said, you may need to catch up with yourself somehow.

  19. You know how I feel about honesty over at my blog. Very, very proud of you for putting this out there and holding yourself accountable. And if anyone knows just how HARD that was for you to do....I do. Keep on truckin' girl. :)

  20. Thank you all for even more food for thought (and, of course, the overwhelming support).