Last night I wrote about how, “I now have thoughts, feelings, and dreams that - a year ago - I didn’t even know could exist.” I typed out those words fully believing them, but before I crawled into bed I was humbled by the raw honesty that I rediscovered in them such a short time after their initial composition.
My husband and I are working towards jogging an entire 5K. We are now on Week 7 of the C25K and will shortly be looking into doing an official race to actualize the culmination of the program. (According to my darling man – who has challenged himself every step of the way along this particular path – said race will be the last time that he partakes in any running activity. Ever.)
Last night, when we were discussing the upcoming pinnacle of this endeavor, I asked him a question. “What do you think of me participating in a 10K?” Even writing that right now brings me back to the moment and I am fighting to keep the tears from coming. I always knew I had lofty aspirations, but never for these types of undertakings.
We talked about it and, in his typical encouraging manner, my husband has me nearly convinced that it is something I could and should look into. I know that there is such a race coming up in May; it’s big, but it’s local. I suspect that I would have to walk for quite a few parts of it, but the fact that I am contemplating it at all is what is amazing to me right now.
As we chatted, I confessed that I still have a picture in my head of what I used to look like. I have a really hard time understanding how that person even thinks that they are capable of the challenges they have actually been rising up to meet. Look at her! She weighs 266 pounds, eats horribly, and never exercises. There’s no way she could ever participate in a 10K! Why would that thought even cross her mind?!
The fact is that it never did. I’m not the exact same individual that I was seven months ago. I have shed countless pounds, many inches, unhealthy habits, insecurities, and mental blocks. And I have bigger dreams.
The image in my head looks a lot different from the woman I now see in the mirror. I need to remember that today’s hopes and desires belong to the individual who appears in the latter… and that she deserves to see them through. It makes me a little sad to know that I never before gave myself the chances that I am these days – that my weight apparently held me back so much more than I ever suspected – but I'm happy that I am finally experiencing this unsuppressed illumination. Nothing can get in my way now… not even myself.